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Student heading down the wrong path wwyd
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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Thu, May 25 2017, 5:37 pm
I teach in a mainstream BY type of school were girl/boy relationships are not allowed. I have a student that has a crush on a boy, fantasizes about him all the time, this obviously is affecting her school work/social life as she doesn't feel like the other girls can relate to her and her fanstasies. The parents are aware of what is going on and are at a loss as to what to do. They have other children that took that path and they are devasted.

What would you do? I feel like she being self destructive and I would love to help her out.

Principals atitude to such cases is to kick the student out, which IMHO is the wrong thing to do
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My4Jewels




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 25 2017, 6:11 pm
Sorry not sure I understand the problem. Girls aren't allowed to have crushes on boys? I'm asking seriously not judgementally. I genuinely have never heard of that. I know in many circles boys and girls don't interact at all but who says you can't have feelings inside for the opposite relations. Isn't that just normal part of teenage development? Just wondering here..
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behappy2




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 25 2017, 6:24 pm
It sounds like she needs someone to normalize it for her. Until than she will be walking around feeling different and crazy and as you are saying it is affecting her ability to enjoy her teenage years. Has she approached your about this? Can you talk to her? Alternatively maybe her parents can get some therapeutic support in not projecting their fears on her and being able to support her in her journey toward adulthood.
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amother
Burlywood


 

Post Thu, May 25 2017, 6:30 pm
amother wrote:
I teach in a mainstream BY type of school were girl/boy relationships are not allowed. I have a student that has a crush on a boy, fantasizes about him all the time, this obviously is affecting her school work/social life as she doesn't feel like the other girls can relate to her and her fanstasies. The parents are aware of what is going on and are at a loss as to what to do. They have other children that took that path and they are devasted.

What would you do? I feel like she being self destructive and I would love to help her out.

Principals atitude to such cases is to kick the student out, which IMHO is the wrong thing to do

How old is this student, where does she know the boy from and what is their relationship like? And how do you know that this is the real problem; has the girl told you this directly?
Is there an option for her to switch schools to maybe a MO school where girls do have the freedom to discuss their crushes with each other?
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 25 2017, 7:33 pm
since you know about this, I suspect she's mentioned it to you. tell her it's normal to have crushes, it's part of growing up, Hashem made us this way, and that it's fine to have these feelings. the reason the frum world separates boys and girls is to make sure this attraction is used in the right way at the right time. that doesn't make the feelings wrong or sinful, nor does it indicate that she is heading down the wrong path. it's just an indicator of normalcy. since her family is devastated by this, I suggest they all go to therapy to learn what to be devastated by and what to be grateful for. and you as a teacher need to chill, because she's not heading down any path just because she has a crush. judging her on her normal feelings is likely to create problems.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 25 2017, 8:50 pm
Thank you mummiedearest, for saying what I was thinking. OP, there is nothing wrong with this girl, unless there's a lot you're not saying. (Is she telling everyone she fantasizes about having violent s@x with this boy, or is she fantasizing about dating and marriage? Does she just have a crush or is she actually meeting this boy on the sly?)

What do you mean she has siblings "who went down this path"? What path? Having normal heteros@ual feelings? Or does she have siblings OTD who are shacking up with members of the opposite gender?

The girl has a teenage crush. This is completely normal. It doesn't mean she will end up living in sin with three drug-addicted men at a time. It doesn't mean she needs "intervention" . I don't believe it is even any of your business EXCEPT insofar as it affects her schoolwork. But if you treat her like a girl who is already halfway to perdition simply because she likes a boy, then you will pretty much guarantee that your fears become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Why shouldn't a girl act like a sl@t if she's being treated like a sl@t-in-training before she has done anything wrong?

Now her schoolwork IS your business. Address that. If she's staying up late yakking on the phone, not doing her homework, daydreaming in class, deal with her the way you would any other girl who stays up late, daydreams and doesn't do her homework.
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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Thu, May 25 2017, 9:36 pm
Op- student is in 8th grade. I have a good relationship with and she brought it up in a conversation. She has two sibling that had kids while still teens (obviously not married)

Parents are scared she is heading on the same path as her siblings. Her two sisters and their kids live (or have lived at some point) with her in her house.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 25 2017, 9:49 pm
mummiedearest wrote:
since you know about this, I suspect she's mentioned it to you. tell her it's normal to have crushes, it's part of growing up, Hashem made us this way, and that it's fine to have these feelings. the reason the frum world separates boys and girls is to make sure this attraction is used in the right way at the right time. that doesn't make the feelings wrong or sinful, nor does it indicate that she is heading down the wrong path. it's just an indicator of normalcy. since her family is devastated by this, I suggest they all go to therapy to learn what to be devastated by and what to be grateful for. and you as a teacher need to chill, because she's not heading down any path just because she has a crush. judging her on her normal feelings is likely to create problems.


Very well said. I had crushes on boys when I was 5 years old. And I continued having crushes until I got married. And yet I managed to never have s-x until I got Married. Furthermore, all of my friends had crushes too. And none of us interacted socially with boys starting from age 12 or 13 or even less. What's not normal, is to NOT have crushes on boys if you are a teenage girl.
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allcuteonesrtak




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 26 2017, 8:35 am
mummiedearest wrote:
since you know about this, I suspect she's mentioned it to you. tell her it's normal to have crushes, it's part of growing up, Hashem made us this way, and that it's fine to have these feelings. the reason the frum world separates boys and girls is to make sure this attraction is used in the right way at the right time. that doesn't make the feelings wrong or sinful, nor does it indicate that she is heading down the wrong path. it's just an indicator of normalcy. since her family is devastated by this, I suggest they all go to therapy to learn what to be devastated by and what to be grateful for. and you as a teacher need to chill, because she's not heading down any path just because she has a crush. judging her on her normal feelings is likely to create problems.


Oh wow u put it down so well! .
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 26 2017, 10:02 am
amother wrote:
Op- student is in 8th grade. I have a good relationship with and she brought it up in a conversation. She has two sibling that had kids while still teens (obviously not married)

Parents are scared she is heading on the same path as her siblings. Her two sisters and their kids live (or have lived at some point) with her in her house.


Why didn't you say so at the outset? This completely changes the complexion of the issue. Quite frankly, I think this is beyond your pay grade. ONE teen pregnancy in a frum family is rare, but it does happen. TWO can't be a coincidence. Why are they looking for love in all the wrong places? Something is not right in that family, and your student is very much at risk. Not because she has a normal crush but because of the family history. I don't think I need to tell you what distressing suspicion comes to mind. They need family therapy, and fast. Maybe even CPS.
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dancingqueen




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 26 2017, 10:18 am
zaq wrote:
Why didn't you say so at the outset? This completely changes the complexion of the issue. Quite frankly, I think this is beyond your pay grade. ONE teen pregnancy in a frum family is rare, but it does happen. TWO can't be a coincidence. Why are they looking for love in all the wrong places? Something is not right in that family, and your student is very much at risk. Not because she has a normal crush but because of the family history. I don't think I need to tell you what distressing suspicion comes to mind. They need family therapy, and fast. Maybe even CPS.


I agree this is a very odd story. I think it's odd for an 8th grader to talk to a teacher about a crush but now I think she's reaching out for help. Is there a liscenced therapist or social worker involved with this family? I also would think it best for her to be on bc based on family history.
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debsey




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 26 2017, 11:43 am
dancingqueen wrote:
I agree this is a very odd story. I think it's odd for an 8th grader to talk to a teacher about a crush but now I think she's reaching out for help. Is there a liscenced therapist or social worker involved with this family? I also would think it best for her to be on bc based on family history.


This.
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amother
Yellow


 

Post Fri, May 26 2017, 12:16 pm
I hope you can steer her towards a warm, open minded, therepudic high school for next year. A RW bais yaakov probably won't be a good fit.
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MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 26 2017, 12:47 pm
zaq wrote:
Why didn't you say so at the outset? This completely changes the complexion of the issue. Quite frankly, I think this is beyond your pay grade. ONE teen pregnancy in a frum family is rare, but it does happen. TWO can't be a coincidence. Why are they looking for love in all the wrong places? Something is not right in that family, and your student is very much at risk. Not because she has a normal crush but because of the family history. I don't think I need to tell you what distressing suspicion comes to mind. They need family therapy, and fast. Maybe even CPS.


I totally agree. This is a very disturbing thread. The parents are 'devastated' about their 2 DDs behavior. Have you met with them?

But Zaq is right this is beyond your pay grade. The family needs an intervention, just what kind is hard to tell based on the paucity of information available.
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amother
Tan


 

Post Fri, May 26 2017, 12:56 pm
I was that girl many decades ago and my parents overreacted and sent me away from home. All I had was a crush and it didnt turn into anything.
I wanted it to turn into something because I was ignored at home, no love, no attention, nothing positive. Only bullying, spanking, being put-down and derogatized. While on the outside my family is the perfect role model in the community.
So I was sent away and forbidden from being friends with anyone they suspected might be not good for me in any way. And spied on, my diaries red etc.
It got so bad that I went and did something regretttable (no I did no have s-x with a boy) that I know only came from being pushed and controlled too far.
My advice: this girl needs some love. And she needs to know that having a crush on boys is normal. And that kissing, touching and s-x is something that is done by frum people too (I had a friend who at 17 wanted to go OTD because she wanted to be able to kiss a boy and she didnt believe me when I told her she could have all that even as a frum woman. She had no clue about the facts of life).
Since this is an issue in the family there might be more behind the picture and she might need professional help. Def. Lots of love and care
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 26 2017, 1:30 pm
I suppose they should have crushes on boys - the alternative would be to have crushes on your female classmates - lol

but nobody wants another kid pregnant [how did the 2 older siblings manage to have children out of wedlock] ... however, guide her with love so she hopefully doesn't make the same mistakes ... growing up means the choices are her own
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amother
Coral


 

Post Fri, May 26 2017, 6:23 pm
something makes me think this is a troll. a girl that is in a rw yeshivish school and has crushes on boys would never tell it to her teacher! they know better. there is something off. I come from this environment.

not only that op is not really giving any information about the girl. shes not describing the situation at all. im not convinced this is true.

and it can be but op sounds like a troll
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amother
Mustard


 

Post Sat, May 27 2017, 3:27 pm
First of all, you should tell student that just because she has a crush, that doesn't mean that she will end up with a boyfriend or having s-x or pregnant. Tell her that crushes are normal, and she is the only one in control of her behavior, and she shouldn't confuse thoughts with actions. Make sure she knows that crushes don't have to go anywhere beyond some thoughts or feelings inside of her. Tell her that other girls feel the same way and they keep it to themselves too, and encourage her to confide in a close friend or two. No one goes to h-ll for thinking about a boy.

Second of all, if this is a society where even a crush is considered scary, then my bet is that her two sisters never had any s-x-ed, and may not have known how to protect themselves from getting pregnant when they ended up fooling around with boys. I see this lack of s-x-ed everywhere from RW modern orthodox and to the right of it. So, if you think there is any real risk of her fooling around with a boy, she needs a s-x-ed lesson fast. If you feel that it's not yoru place to do it, then ask her parents to - you mentioned they were at a loss for what to do, at the very least, they can make sure that if she does do something, she does not end up pregnant or with STDs or both.
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amother
Violet


 

Post Sun, May 28 2017, 2:50 am
Every normal girl and bachur have crushes. If she is talking about him then obviously the girl options are not working for her. Also if she is talking to a neighbor or cousin big deal. I argue and talk to my boy cousin's like their my brother's. I personally don't talk to neighbors but I have friends that do.
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 28 2017, 3:40 am
amother wrote:
First of all, you should tell student that just because she has a crush, that doesn't mean that she will end up with a boyfriend or having s-x or pregnant. Tell her that crushes are normal, and she is the only one in control of her behavior, and she shouldn't confuse thoughts with actions. Make sure she knows that crushes don't have to go anywhere beyond some thoughts or feelings inside of her. Tell her that other girls feel the same way and they keep it to themselves too, and encourage her to confide in a close friend or two. No one goes to h-ll for thinking about a boy.

THIS. It is absolutely criminal that having normal heterosxual thoughts in one's teen years (which is when HaShem's handiwork (I.e., hormones) dictates we should have such thoughts) is considered "heading down the wrong path."
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