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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
DH gave DD a ridiculous directive, how to deal
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amother
Rose


 

Post Mon, May 29 2017, 5:13 pm
This probably could have gone under shalom bayis as well but the angle I'm looking at it from now is how to deal with my teen DD.

DH is not Mr Clean himself but he does have some areas that he is particular about (dishes). He got mad yesterday (primarily at me) because he said the kitchen was a mess and he kept cleaning it up and it kept being a mess again and no one was helpful etc.

Finally, the straw that broke the camel's back is that late at night DD made something (that I asked her to make) for Shavuos. DD is a an awesome daughter, responsible, easygoing, respectful, helpful etc. She also has (diagnosed) ADD and her planning/organizing is not great. She's kinda disorganized and when she cooks/bakes for me she makes a huge mess. . . I still find it helpful (that she's cooking), even if I have to clean up etc after her. (And yes, I know I have to work on getting her to be "cleaner").

Anyhow. . . DH told DD she can't cook any more. We had planned on splitting a lot tomorrow (ie I make 2 soups, 3 sides and 1 main, she makes 2 sides and a dessert) and now she says she's not allowed to help me. She feels terrible-a) for not being able to help me (which I told her not to worry about it, it's not her problem, I will deal with whatever needs to be made) and b) that DH is mad at her and punishing her. . .

I'm not sure how to deal with this. I know eventually DH will calm down and change his mind on his ridiculous directive but I can't even ask him about it tonight while he's still upset about it all. I don't want to undermine him and/or give her mixed messages but a) I really need her help tomorrow and b) while I don't want to undermine him, I do think what he said is unfair and not helpful (to anyone).

So do I go along with this ridiculousness and be a martyr and do it all myself while DD has the day off from school to help but is not "allowed to?" Do I tell her to just ignore his instructions and cook anyhow? Both of those options seem pretty bad to me.

I really can't talk about it to him tonight so please don't suggest that (which I know would be the best idea).

WWYD?!!?
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 29 2017, 5:17 pm
I would tell your dd " I will work this out with your father tomorrow. Let's wait until he calms down and talk about this later. Don't worry about it for now." It's not a bad thing to teach her that sometimes time helps heal things.

Speak to your husband tomorrow. I know I would not allow my husband to tell me how to manage the cooking in my house but I don't know your relationship/ dynamic. Either way don't be a martyr and overextend yourself.
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anonymom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 29 2017, 5:27 pm
Maybe she can help clean as you cook. She can learn to clean this way by focusing only on cleaning. maybe it will be easier for her and once she learns how to clean it will be easier to cook and clean in the future.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 29 2017, 5:47 pm
anonymom wrote:
Maybe she can help clean as you cook. She can learn to clean this way by focusing only on cleaning. maybe it will be easier for her and once she learns how to clean it will be easier to cook and clean in the future.


This is a terrific idea.

Much better than my first thought, which was to tell DH that since he banned her from the kitchen, you need him to take her place.
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Mon, May 29 2017, 5:55 pm
[deleted]
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crust




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 29 2017, 6:11 pm
Is your husband also ADHD?
Also OP you seem to handle this pretty logically. People in your place would've been all cooked up with hurt towards husband for hurting your daughter.

Cut yourself some slack for handling a situation maturely.
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amother
Rose


 

Post Mon, May 29 2017, 6:14 pm
anonymom wrote:
Maybe she can help clean as you cook. She can learn to clean this way by focusing only on cleaning. maybe it will be easier for her and once she learns how to clean it will be easier to cook and clean in the future.


Okay, so the reason why this is actually NOT such a great idea is because, I actually need help! Having her clean up after me, when she is not too great at cleaning will just result in me spending more time, instructing her as to what she should be doing and how to do it etc. I agree that those are skills she needs to learn but not tomorrow when I apparently will be doing all the cooking myself, I simply won't have the extra time to "tutor" her in cleaning! I can clean faster and more effectively than she can so it will not be helpful to me. Also, I don't want her to feel any more "punished" than she does already Sad

I like tichellady's idea, just not sure how I can pull it off. DH works all tomorrow and will likely be unavailable to talk to me and work this out.

Please keep the ideas coming . . .
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crust




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 29 2017, 6:16 pm
You don't have to talk to him so officially.
Send him a text informing him of what you are doing.
I also don't believe in having an adhd child having to clean after you. Pure turture!! That's not the simchas yom tov you want To engrain in her.
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Mon, May 29 2017, 6:16 pm
crust wrote:
Is your husband also ADHD?
Also OP you seem to handle this pretty logically. People in your place would've been all cooked up with hurt towards husband for hurting your daughter.

Cut yourself some slack for handling a situation maturely.


What I was thinking, but couldn't figure out how to say nicely. He acted impulsively.
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amother
Rose


 

Post Mon, May 29 2017, 6:17 pm
crust wrote:
Is your husband also ADHD?
Also OP you seem to handle this pretty logically. People in your place would've been all cooked up with hurt towards husband for hurting your daughter.

Cut yourself some slack for handling a situation maturely.


Thank you thank you thank you. I really needed and appreciate the positive reinforcement in your post. It really means a lot to me.

(Oh and I don't think my DH has ADHD. Just. . . other issues Crying )
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amother
Blonde


 

Post Mon, May 29 2017, 6:17 pm
Seriously I would tell him that if she can't cook then you won't cook either and that he will have to sort out all of the Yom tov food. And stick by this. Because I think he is being a bully.
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crust




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 29 2017, 6:25 pm
amother wrote:
(Oh and I don't think my DH has ADHD. Just. . . other issues Crying


If he had other issues then, tactfully inform your daughter outright about them; Totty can become impulsive punitive fill in the blank sometimes. This is his way if reacting to things that make him nervous. Sadly, This is the way he was taught in his parents home. He really foesnt know better.
Is it right thing? No.
Does he handle himself correctly? No.
Is it your fault that he got so enraged? No.
You are still a precious human being and nothing you did justifies this punishment.
I will work it out with him.
She is entitled to know that it's not her behavior that enraged him; it's HIS issues.
She's anyways gonna find out... at least give her the feeling that you validate her.
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Jeanette




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 29 2017, 6:41 pm
Let your husband know that you were counting on her help and since she won't be available you'll have to streamline the menu and make only the basics. If possible you can supplement with takeout or ready made, if not you'll just all have to live with a simpler YT menu.
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yksraya




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 29 2017, 6:44 pm
crust wrote:
If he had other issues then, tactfully inform your daughter outright about them; Totty can become impulsive punitive fill in the blank sometimes. This is his way if reacting to things that make him nervous. Sadly, This is the way he was taught in his parents home. He really foesnt know better.
Is it right thing? No.
Does he handle himself correctly? No.
Is it your fault that he got so enraged? No.
You are still a precious human being and nothing you did justifies this punishment.
I will work it out with him.
She is entitled to know that it's not her behavior that enraged him; it's HIS issues.
She's anyways gonna find out... at least give her the feeling that you validate her.

Why undermine her dh to the dd?

OP, I do think your dh has ADD to some extend based on his behavior. That doesn't mean he is bad or what, just that awareness makes things easier and more managable.

As an aside, I do think your dh has a point, but instead of "you can't cook anymore" it should be "you can only cook if you clean up the mess it caused".

Maybe in the morning or even later today, have a discussion with him abt it. But don't blame and use the "I" language. Validate his point but at the same time discuss what to say to your dd and how to work it out so that it's a win-win for both of them.

If that doesn't work out, perhaps your dd should call him tommorow when he's at work, and ask him "mommy really needs my help, is it ok if I help with cooking?" maybe they will work it out on their own.
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Laiya




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 29 2017, 6:47 pm
OP, in general you want to support your spouse's chinuch of the kids, but here your dh created a problem.

Aside from the practical aspect, that you need her help, this seems very harsh toward dd. Had he just yelled at her for not cleaning up, after she spent the evening helping her mom cook for y"t, that would've been hurtful enough.

But telling her she can't cook tomorrow, ups the ante. It tells her that he doesn't value her hard work or well-meaning contribution to the family. It can be seen as a rejection.

The best thing would be for him to apologize, but if he won't, I agree with Crust. You should validate her and tell her he made a mistake.
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Laiya




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 29 2017, 6:55 pm
yksraya wrote:
Why undermine her dh to the dd?

OP, I do think your dh has ADD to some extend based on his behavior. That doesn't mean he is bad or what, just that awareness makes things easier and more managable.

As an aside, I do think your dh has a point, but instead of "you can't cook anymore" it should be "you can only cook if you clean up the mess it caused".

Maybe in the morning or even later today, have a discussion with him abt it. But don't blame and use the "I" language. Validate his point but at the same time discuss what to say to your dd and how to work it out so that it's a win-win for both of them.

If that doesn't work out, perhaps your dd should call him tommorow when he's at work, and ask him "mommy really needs my help, is it ok if I help with cooking?" maybe they will work it out on their own.


To answer the bolded. So she doesn't internalize his mistreatment, and start to see herself as someone not worthy of respect.
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amother
White


 

Post Mon, May 29 2017, 7:00 pm
This is such a painful post :-(
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groisamomma




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 29 2017, 7:01 pm
I wouldn't blame your DD if she lets you do all the cooking/baking from now on. He makes it look like he's doing her a favor allowing her to cook, when in reality he should be kissing her toes for doing more than the typical ADHD teen.

Yksraya, I wouldn't worry so much about OP putting her DH down to DD. To me this sounds like a power thing and the only advocate her DD has is her.
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Mon, May 29 2017, 7:03 pm
Crust I love the line you wrote that nothing justifies this punishment.

That is an eye opener. Your dd was trying to be nice. And it also looks like you run your house basically how you want it. Why was he so overinvolved?

He has issues and is not rational. He needs to realize she's not organized. But why can't she clean after herself? It's a lesson for her. He is impulsive and punitive. (Immature). Can she apologize to him and tell him she will clean up? Is he stubborn and his word doesn't Change?

Can she work with him? I don't know your dh. He needs to be around so you guys can negotiate. Can she speak to him in the morning? This became a mess that should not have.

Will he regret what he said tomorrow? (Like me)

Does he care that you will not have any help? Does he care how you feel? Why does he get involved and get irrational? Don't involve him. You sound more rational. He needs to learn some stuff. But you need to stand up. If you can. You know him.
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Mon, May 29 2017, 7:08 pm
Yes and my ADHD ds creates more drama and mess then everyone so it's spot on that your dd is a good girl. Sorry she has a dad who's so irrational and......
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