Lets talk about self esteem

amother

Vermilion

Thu, Jun 08 2017, 11:32 am

what have you done or can I do to have a healthy self esteem? to know what are my strengths and weeknesses. and not care what others have. and it shouldnt affect me.

(everytime dh tells me someone he knows is calm with her kids or is organized I fall into depression) I cant deal with it. so he refrains from commenting. but he sometimes forgets. which means I need to build my self esteem. you would think at the age of 40 I would be a strong woman. nope nada zilch

makes me so sad

FranticFrummie

Thu, Jun 08 2017, 11:36 am

Do you have a good therapist?

Kids are not born without self esteem. They are masters at it! Try to pinpoint the moment you remember your self esteem taking a hit. What was that first message?

Work from that point on.

amother

Seafoam

Thu, Jun 08 2017, 12:10 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

Not OP, but just last night, I discovered when my self-esteem took a dive. (Bully incident right after we moved countries) What does one do with that information?

nechamashifra

Thu, Jun 08 2017, 1:48 pm

My son came home from soccer last week with a trophy. I said "I thought your team lost". He said they did indeed lose but everyone got a trophy. Is this trophy going to build his self-esteem? Absolutely not! He knows he did not deserve it (thankfully, he himself found it ridiculous).

I find that our generation has gone overboard with trying to build self-esteem, when in reality healthy self-esteem is not how much praise or medals or put-downs we receive from others; rather how well we know our own strength and weaknesses and what we can accomplish with hard work.

If you know that you are calm with your kids, then hearing about someone else who is calm and organized should indeed not affect you. If it's affecting you, it must be because you're not happy with the way you are NOT calm and organized so the best way to build your self-esteem is to do something about it. Ignoring the actual problem but telling yourself you're going to build your self-esteem by having people refrain from criticizing you is just like giving yourself an undeserved trophy: it doesn't work.

Also, why is dh telling you how organized and calm other mothers are? Sounds like a passive-aggressive way to get his point across - not v. nice.

amother

Sapphire

Thu, Jun 08 2017, 2:23 pm

Stay with reality. "Yes. They are organized. Do you think I am not? I am more organized than some and less then others. I am ok the way I am. I hope you can get used to it bec I am looking forward to many happy years together with you!"

ZIVA

Thu, Jun 08 2017, 2:50 pm

Dear Annonymous

I totally agree with nechamashifra if you have low esteem about being a calm mother it's because you don't feel you are calm enough with your children

Let me tell you, I dont know anyone who really is, there are lots who look calm on the outside but you and I do not know what goes on at home, but more to the point, none of us should ever compare ourselves to others, it is difficult, but we need to focus on what WE are capable of, and what is good for YOUR family, not other people.

My children are bla'h aged between 10 years and 33 years, looking back I think I must have had some sort of break down with the first, I was so busy trying to be perfect, and that is never possible, over the years I have learned a few things.

1 mess never killed anyone, as long as the kitchen and bathrooms are clean of bacteria/food stuffs everything else can wait,

2 put yourself first, yes I mean that, before your husband or your children, if you are tired or hungry or stressed you are no good to anyone,

3 be honest with yourself about your limitations, you do not say if you work or not, but women have this tendency to feel that they are in charge of everyones happiness and wellbeing all the time, and especially nowadays the added stress of going out to work makes it extremely difficult, there is nothing wrong with slinging some pizza in the microwave for supper every now and again, have honest conversations with your neighbours / friends, you will see everyone is in the same boat.

4 I used to frantically clean up before my mother /mother in law came, this has totally gone out of the window, I dont even make an effort,[except for their bedroom of course] they make comments anyway, but now I simply say cleaning up bores me silly I have better things to do. [And do you know what? It makes them laugh]

I am not saying I live in chaos, but it is not the be all and end all, I also have been known to bribe my children to wash vacuum and do laundry they are more capable then you think.

I want my children to remember Shabbos as relaxing and enjoyable not thier mother in a nutty inexplicable frenzy, [I'm glad this is annoymous, because if they saw this they would be like ... "what?" ] I am still a work in progress

Remember nobody lay on thier death bed regretting not cleaning enough.

One last thing which really made me ashamed and got me thinking, and hopefully changing, several years ago, I had just returned home from a really awful stressful day, I finally managed to slip into a hot bath, and just as I could feel my bones start to relax, my 11 year old banged on the bathroom door whining and shrieking about something idiotic. I was about to leap out of my bath, and lose complete control [hardly ever happens] when I suddenly thought of a woman I had just heard about who had lost 7 children l'o in a fire.

I thought, what would this mother give to have her daughter whining at the bathroom door? It completely stopped me in my tracks, when I came out of the bathroom I gave my daughter a hug, and told her I would help her find her silly thing in the morning, to my utter surprise, she smiled and went to bed.

Also, its good to know that a sense of humour goes a very long way

wishing you lots of good luck and strength and kochas for the nachas xxxx