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-> Interesting Discussions
farm
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 Fri, Jun 09 2017, 11:04 am
I think the vast majority of emotionally mature women who marry don't literally check things off a list and decide they can cross something off and "settle" because there are enough boxes checked off (tall? check. blonde? check. funny? nope.). I think most have a good idea of what they are attracted to with many nuances of what makes them happy, secure, satisfied. Then they meet an actual flesh and blood person and get to know them. Suddenly, things that may have been on their list are just not anymore. Not because they are "settling," but because they realize how unimportant that criteria was. To throw out examples, "wants to live in Brooklyn" was something they thought was important because they feel attached to parents/grandparents/siblings/friends. But now that they have met this person that they love, and he is in law school in Detroit, being in Brooklyn just seems silly. She feels more attached to him than whomever she thought she needed to be near in Brooklyn. So she is thrilled that he is everything she dreamed of, she didn't "settle." You can go through the same scenario with looks. Thought she was only attracted to tall, broad men but now she met this short, skinny guy and he is just so charming and adorable and handsome, etc. And a more extreme example, of course she only wants to date guys who were never married. But then she met a guy whose wife passed away in a tragic car accident a few weeks after their wedding. And he is so perfect and wonderful, she is so happy she met him. Did she "settle" on a man previously married? No! That objective criteria no longer made sense to her now that she met this wonderful person who just happened to have been previously married.
This is why I feel very frustrated when I try to redt shidduchim and one side rejects it out of hand because of a box item. "He wants to live out of town? Not for me." That is so silly! Meet him! Maybe you will hit it off and happily move somewhere together. Or maybe he will see that you are so much happier in town and not to make you unhappy by moving away, etc. That's what marriage is. Flexibility and plan B. Not settling!
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amother
Apricot
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Fri, Jun 09 2017, 11:07 am
| amother wrote: | The nice way didn't help the least. (I tried that for a year) He was tougher than you think. He never did the right thing anyways. I'm talking about a person that didn't care to please anyone. He knew that I love him and more than that he didn't care.
I told him that the only language he understands is a slap. He agreed.
Anyways, right or wrong... I did what my feeling told me is the only way out, and it worked. Now we're both so much happier |
yes, but you can do a gentle smart slap.
I told dh he needs to do something, he misscheduled a very important day (health related for a child - that kind of important)
This appt was already set months in advance but he recently scheduled an event at work with dozens of poeple. It was crucial he should be there. (Actually, this was rescheduled already cuz the original appointment he did the same thing he did now!!!!! And I ended uo canceling. But my response was different this time.)
If he wouldn't have come and I would have to do it myself, it would have been as close to impossible as it could get. I went with my kid to have surgery on my own (he could not make it through no fault of his own) and that was a walk in the park next to this.
When I confirmed it, he was all frustrated. And ansked me if he should reschedule a whole bunch of people just for this. I remained silent.
Then asked him later, about the plan to leave the next morning.
He got the message LOUD. We went together. It worked out on. And the even at work, someone else took over for him (it was totally not ideal. But your family and kids come first).
So in the past, I would do it myself, and be totally restentful and he wouldn't even get it and it would have caused a whole blow up.
AND HE WOULD DO IT AGAIN THE NEXT TIME!
Now I just did what was right. He was resentful - but he was self resentful. he knew he messed up because I didn't take any of the blame.
I didn't even tell him I felt sorry for him (that'll give a pin pricks opening to resentment towards me)
And I'm pretty sure in the future he won't forget to put such things into his calendar.
And if he does, it wont take too many tries for him to learn.
At the end of the game, I had what I needed, and HE was the one to scrambled to get everything right 7am that morning. It wasnt any fun.....
He had to work thru the consequences. Not me.
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essie14
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Fri, Jun 09 2017, 11:31 am
| farm wrote: | I think the vast majority of emotionally mature women who marry don't literally check things off a list and decide they can cross something off and "settle" because there are enough boxes checked off (tall? check. blonde? check. funny? nope.). I think most have a good idea of what they are attracted to with many nuances of what makes them happy, secure, satisfied. Then they meet an actual flesh and blood person and get to know them. Suddenly, things that may have been on their list are just not anymore. Not because they are "settling," but because they realize how unimportant that criteria was. To throw out examples, "wants to live in Brooklyn" was something they thought was important because they feel attached to parents/grandparents/siblings/friends. But now that they have met this person that they love, and he is in law school in Detroit, being in Brooklyn just seems silly. She feels more attached to him than whomever she thought she needed to be near in Brooklyn. So she is thrilled that he is everything she dreamed of, she didn't "settle." You can go through the same scenario with looks. Thought she was only attracted to tall, broad men but now she met this short, skinny guy and he is just so charming and adorable and handsome, etc. And a more extreme example, of course she only wants to date guys who were never married. But then she met a guy whose wife passed away in a tragic car accident a few weeks after their wedding. And he is so perfect and wonderful, she is so happy she met him. Did she "settle" on a man previously married? No! That objective criteria no longer made sense to her now that she met this wonderful person who just happened to have been previously married.
This is why I feel very frustrated when I try to redt shidduchim and one side rejects it out of hand because of a box item. "He wants to live out of town? Not for me." That is so silly! Meet him! Maybe you will hit it off and happily move somewhere together. Or maybe he will see that you are so much happier in town and not to make you unhappy by moving away, etc. That's what marriage is. Flexibility and plan B. Not settling! |
THIS
To me, settling means "I feel like I am never going to get married. Here's a guy who I don't really like all that much and he may display abusive behavior (or other red flags), but he wants to marry me. And what if I never meet someone else who wants to marry me. I'll marry him even though I don't think this is going to be a great marriage"
Reevaluating your priorities and being emotionally mature enough to see that some of your "essential" check boxes are not so important anymore (as Farm said above) is not settling.
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amother
Orchid
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Fri, Jun 09 2017, 11:58 am
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not everything, I did "settle" in one specific area but he "settled" for me in many other areas. That area is still important to me but I feel blessed to be married to someone with his strengths.
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amother
Ginger
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Fri, Jun 09 2017, 1:47 pm
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I did sort of "settle" on one issue - I always wanted a husband who could sing well, and my husband makes me cringe when he sings. Early in my marriage I was very disappointed by this, but after all these years I see he has the maalos that really matter. Not to mention he puts up with alot from me. So yes, I wish he could sing well just like he probably wishes I was slim... but he loves me anyway and I love him.
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amother
Lemon
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Fri, Jun 09 2017, 1:55 pm
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When we were engaged, I didn't think I had settled on anything. Over time, I did realize a number of things that I had always wanted in a spouse, but didn't get. With time and learning he is getting "better" with these things, they aren't complete "deal breakers" but I did have to "mourn" a little bit and I have to "teach" him what I want/need.
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amother
Papaya
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Fri, Jun 09 2017, 2:26 pm
| farm wrote: | | But then she met a guy whose wife passed away in a tragic car accident a few weeks after their wedding. And he is so perfect and wonderful, she is so happy she met him. Did she "settle" on a man previously married? No! That objective criteria no longer made sense to her now that she met this wonderful person who just happened to have been previously married. |
Or she did, and that's ok too.
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amother
Scarlet
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Fri, Jun 09 2017, 3:34 pm
| amother wrote: | Wow so many in a similar position. How did you get over it? Or how do you get over it on an ongoing basis in the downcycles? How do you come to a place of acceptance?
I really feel that my reaction to the 'grief' affects our marriage badly. |
The downcycles aren't so great for our marriage. I keep a lot to myself because it's not my husband's fault. He does try his best and I appreciate that. I usually retreat into myself a bit and ask for "space" making the whole thing about me rather than him. He does get hurt by that but I blame it on my moods and hormones - in general I am more bothered by these things during that time of the month so the excuse works somewhat.
I've actually made charts for myself to reward myself for treating him with respect even when I've found it challenging to respect him.
I latch onto all the good and try to focus on it. A lot of it is mind games - focusing on the positive and I try to physically remove myself when I see something negative.
I'm not sure if I'm being clear. Its most certainly hard when one's needs are not met (it's interesting because in this type of situation a lot of super important needs to a woman in a relationship are provided for wonderfully but the lack in this very crucial area does minimize all that other wonderfulness) but by focusing on the positive, avoiding the negative and working on myself BH my marriage is in a good place.
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amother
Jade
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Fri, Jun 09 2017, 6:14 pm
Mine was a shiddich. We met twice, for about an hour each time, so I didn't really know much. I got lucky, he's a very wonderful husband and father, and overall good person.
Now if only he was a woman...
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amother
Fuchsia
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Fri, Jun 09 2017, 6:50 pm
When people say settle they don't mean less than perfect. They mean less than what they wanted. So while no one is perfect, some people luck out and get everything they were looking for.
When I got married I thought I got everything I wanted. I didn't settle on a single thing. Was blissfully happy for a good couple years.
Then I found out he's an addict and all h*ll broke loose. I'm still happy to have him in my life and we're working on our relationship. If I knew then what I know now I would say of course I'm settling. But I didn't know that then, so no, I didn't settle then.
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amother
Silver
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Fri, Jun 09 2017, 6:59 pm
I was more than happy to "settle" with my DH and am so beyond blessed!! He is my everything and super supportive, takes the brunt of the cooking and childcare in the morning and supper I've of my college sched as well as loving me to no end! But yes, I did want to marry a thin person as I come from a family with overweight parents and siblings so weight genes were important to me. I am married to the most wonderful DH with a large heart as well as a super large body, 6 feat and over 300 pounds
My kids are both large and off the charts
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amother
Gold
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Fri, Jun 09 2017, 8:06 pm
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Met my husband when were in high school and thank Gd our love has grown stronger every year. We definitely have both changed but I do feel like we are a great pair. We both joke that we don't think anyone would ever have thought to set us up if we had not met on our own ( and I actually really believe that).
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amother
Seafoam
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Sat, Jun 10 2017, 11:53 pm
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At the time I felt like I was 'settling.' Everyone kept telling me how lucky I was though. I felt very confused like um are we seeing the same guy. As we both grow up I realize that I'm not all that amazing and that he just keeps getting better:) yes we both have our struggles and we are not perfect human beings but as far as husbands go, I think he does a near perfect job in that department.
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amother
Red
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Sun, Jun 11 2017, 2:33 pm
| amother wrote: | The downcycles aren't so great for our marriage. I keep a lot to myself because it's not my husband's fault. He does try his best and I appreciate that. I usually retreat into myself a bit and ask for "space" making the whole thing about me rather than him. He does get hurt by that but I blame it on my moods and hormones - in general I am more bothered by these things during that time of the month so the excuse works somewhat.
I've actually made charts for myself to reward myself for treating him with respect even when I've found it challenging to respect him.
I latch onto all the good and try to focus on it. A lot of it is mind games - focusing on the positive and I try to physically remove myself when I see something negative.
I'm not sure if I'm being clear. Its most certainly hard when one's needs are not met (it's interesting because in this type of situation a lot of super important needs to a woman in a relationship are provided for wonderfully but the lack in this very crucial area does minimize all that other wonderfulness) but by focusing on the positive, avoiding the negative and working on myself BH my marriage is in a good place. |
It must have been a lot of work to get there! I totally understand the mind games bit but I'm not at a stage I can do it yet. I'm still grieving and trying to come to terms with the way my life will be different from the bed of roses I fantasized (joking). There are plenty of beautiful things in my marriage but when this comes to fore it is, like you say, super important and blocks my emotional view of everything else.
I admire your journey and I hope I one day perhaps I can get there too. Maybe.
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WastingTime
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Sun, Jun 11 2017, 3:25 pm
This was one of the strangest topics I've ever read on imamother. Settle? You can settle for a different color couch/ car/dress etc etc when they don't have your first pick. Maybe you can settle for a different doctor when your first choice is booked for months. But what does it mean to settle for a husband- you were hoping to win bachelor 1 or 2 but you had to "settle" for option 3?
Signed a very happily married wife of 15 yrs who is happy for with her package even if he is not perfect (I.e. he is a human being)
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amother
Seagreen
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Sun, Jun 11 2017, 8:38 pm
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Since doing Sara Rigler's 'kesher wife workshop' there's been a big shift in the way I view my husband and it's changed the way I feel about being married to him. It's taken a lot of frustration and disappointment out of the picture for me.
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amother
Slategray
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Sun, Jun 11 2017, 9:25 pm
| amother wrote: | | Since doing Sara Rigler's 'kesher wife workshop' there's been a big shift in the way I view my husband and it's changed the way I feel about being married to him. It's taken a lot of frustration and disappointment out of the picture for me. |
Would you be able to summarize her workshop, the main point of it, very briefly? Is it about accepting that we can't change our spouse?
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