4 year old not speaking in school

amother

Blonde

Thu, Jun 08 2017, 11:37 pm

amother wrote:

OP here:

To the above poster...

I actually did show the teachers videos of my son talking/singing at home. I think it would be too much and he would most definitely not like it (he doesn't like to be the center of attention) if the teacher shows it at class. I hope he won't stay like this until he's older, but I can't force.

yeah I would say don't show the class. That could be humiliating to him. Glad it worked out for that poster, but I would never ever do something that could potentially shame my child so badly.

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, Jun 11 2017, 1:40 am

I have worked with a selectively mute child before. Unfortunately the parents decided that "their daughter is perfect" and refused further treatment even though we had made progress and the teachers agreed (even though not talking fully).
SM is an anxiety issue. They are too afraid to make a mistake and have such low esteem that they clam up and won't talk in public or around people who bring this anxiety up.
Some tips- find a SM specialist therapist- a psychologist, MFT etc. earlier the better.
also: do not be tempted to speak for the child. Many times the child gets anxious, stops talking. Mom answers and then child realizes that they don't have to speak and anxiety is less since someone will save them. Let them feel it... Say "Shaina knows the answer, direct your question about what she wants to her".

amother

Pink

Sun, Jun 11 2017, 2:52 am

I didn't read all the above responses but...
When I was a kid I had selective mutism. In those days I was just considered very shy. A few things to keep in mind is DO NOT make an issue about it at all. The more self conscious the child feels the longer it will take. Also, I was way more intimidated by the louder more outgoing teachers. Another thing to tell the teachers is that just because he's not talking he still has feelings and he should not be ignored. They should include him in everything and give him attention without directly asking him things even if he doesn't answer. I remember some teachers ignoring me because I was so quiet and other teachers rewarding me because I was always well behaved. The main thing is don't make it into an issue.

amother

Vermilion

Sun, Jun 11 2017, 4:20 am

amother wrote:

Culturedpearls

Sun, Jun 11 2017, 7:20 am

I didn't read all the responses.
These days everyone is too quick to label & scream therapy & honestly a lot of this is just making problems where none exist.
One of my kids did not speak in school till 5.5 years old.
He was happy though & I firmly told the kindergarten staff to leave him alone & not pressure him. No he wasn't stubborn. He spoke perfectly at home.
He was SHY. Ok? Plain shy & you know what he had every right not to speak if he didn't want to. One of the teachers kept nudging me to evaluate him & thought it was a control thing.
Maybe if he was my first child I would have complied but he wasn't & I didn't.
The following year after school vacation he happily went to school & started talking Day 1.
Please don't label your child or accuse him of being stubborn etc. leave him alone & don't pressure him.
He's just a baby!

Ruchel

Sun, Jun 11 2017, 7:24 am

Cultured Pearls I so agree. Moyshele LOVED school, he just didn't talk - then, occasionally with some kids, then only with kids and not mora, then to everyone and now too much he gets punished LOL

. My culture doesn't do shrinks and all so no one suggested anything. But basically all my kids had something Imamother doesn't like - walking or talking late, very active, or whatever. BH here they're all balanced and normal or even gifted for the standards.

Culturedpearls

Sun, Jun 11 2017, 7:53 am

Ruchel wrote:

Cultured Pearls I so agree. Moyshele LOVED school, he just didn't talk - then, occasionally with some kids, then only with kids and not mora, then to everyone and now too much he gets punished LOL

Exactly. My husband said when he was around 8 he had this "thing" that if he'd close a drawer all the way his grandfather would die. He doesn't have a clue why but eventually he stopped.
I laughed & said that these days he'd be at the psychiatrist office , labeled & on medication!
Relax people. In the olden days 4 yo's stayed home with Mommy!!!
Give him a cuddle.

amother

Jetblack

Sun, Jun 11 2017, 1:25 pm

Culturedpearls wrote:

OP here.
Thanks everyone for being honest. I actually agree with you and I should probably not label him stubborn, although he is stubborn at home even when he speaks. But you're right, he has an anxiety of speaking and I shouldn't make an issue of it infront of him. I actually never bribed him or "forced" him to speak at school. I noticed sometimes the assistant teacher used to say out loud "good morning" and ask him... "can you say good morning?" out loud and he just ignored her. I think she shouldn't say that out loud in front of others. The kids at his class think that he just doesn't talk and they say it in front of him. When I pick him up from school, he doesn't even want to talk to me, sometimes he just whispers to my ear very quietly because we're not at home. Once we come home, he's the normal screamy loud 4 year old!

I didn't grow up in the US, but I remember when I was a child, I also felt like nobody really paid attention to me (including some teachers) because I was quiet. Even back then, it seemed like teachers thought there were something wrong if a kid is too quiet and shy. I remember in the report card I got comments like "too quiet" and "need to participate more at class." It's really hard because not every child has the chatty loud personality.. I really don't mind if my kids are quiet, I just want them to speak when they need to.

Culturedpearls

Sun, Jun 11 2017, 6:56 pm

amother wrote:

What the teacher did is not ok. Mine wouldn't speak to me in school either.
But the staff just treated him like everyone else.

amother

Jetblack

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 9:16 am

OP here...

For those posters that mentioned that their kid didn't grow out of it until later... how did they do academically in school??

My son seems to be understanding things quickly, however, since he doesn't really speak at school, I'm not sure how good his english is because he doesn't speak it at home (he speaks two other languages at home). But he does understand english. How did your kids manage to read at school?? I have another kid in kindergarten and he's already practicing some reading with teachers. So how will he practice reading with a teacher if he's not speaking at school?

amother

Slategray

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 9:43 am

My ds didn't speak to the Morah in playgroup when he was 3 and 4. He would talk to the other kids but stopped when he saw the Morah coming. It got to the point that he once had an accident because he didn't tell the Morah that he needed the bathroom. The Morah when he was 4 was a very sensitive person, and she came up with a plan where she put a little sticker on the inside of his yarmulke (so it wasn't visible to everyone) whenever he told her what he needed, and gradually he got more comfortable talking.

He has continued to be shy and quiet in class, though he does talk, but not so much. He does not like being the center of attention (for a while hated coming to school late after an appointment bec everyone would turn to look at him when he came in). But B"H he's completely fine (mid-elementary age), though I still see a pattern where the teachers tell me in November that he's very quiet but by the February PTA they tell me he's much more talkative in class.

Probably for your ds, having a sensitive Morah who does not pressure him or call attention to him in a way that makes him uncomfortable will be very helpful in getting over his shyness/social anxiety.