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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Preschoolers
Almost 5 year old doesn't accept rules



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BadTichelDay




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 12 2017, 2:26 pm
My dd, almost 5 years old, refuses to take "no" for an answer. She takes food out of the fridge literally whenever she wants, climbs up kitchen shelves to "steal" sweets, refuses to get dressed properly, runs into the street in pajamas, runs away without telling us where she goes, refuses to get her hair combed, harasses our pet chickens even though she knows she's forbidden to... in other words, we have a severe discipline problem with her at home. In kindergarten she behaves a lot better, by the way, and for the most part accepts rules (her kindergarten teacher is excellent). We've tried reasoning with her - she doesn't listen. We've tried rewarding good behavior - it works maybe for a short period of time and then she falls back into bad behavior. We've tried punishments - she flies into a mad tantrum and starts throwing and breaking things or tries to hit me or her father. Her two smaller brothers (aged 3 and 2) are not like that at all, though sometimes they try to copy her behavior. She's clearly beginning to be a bad example for them. I've made an appointment for parents' counseling next month but I would also be grateful for any tips on how to handle this.
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amother
Pink


 

Post Mon, Jun 12 2017, 2:40 pm
Maybe set up a system of consequences based on what she does, warn her & follow through every time. Don't give in to tantrums. Speak to her at a good time & tell her that it is important to follow rules of the house and why it is necessary. Make a list of rules that you want her to follow. If she doesn't follow the rules, she will get one warning & if she still doesn't follow the rule, there will a consequence.
ex: if she takes a sweet without permission and doesn't listen to you warning her not to, she will not get dessert at the next meal. if she goes outside with pajamas, she won't be able to play outside the next day (and then enforce it - if she tries to go outside, stand near the door and calmly tell her - no, since you went outside yesterday with pajamas, you may not go out today).

Talk calmly, but be very firm - hopefully she will realize you're serious & will follow the rules more of the time to avoid the negative consequences of negative behavior.
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 12 2017, 2:42 pm
Read the Explosive Child.

The basic premise of the book is that kids do well when they can and that lagging skills or unsolved problems are getting in the way of a kid behaving.

Pick one event at a time. I notice that you are clumping a bunch of things together. Are you worried about her running in the street? Wearing pajamas outside? I'm not sure what getting dressed properly is.

"DD, I noticed you have trouble when I want to brush your hair. What's up?" Then she can tell you what bothers her about it (depending on her verbal skills). Does it hurt her scalp? Does she not like the feeling of the brush or comb? Is her hair too knotty? Then you can work on the upstream problem.

I was really skeptical about this method but I am finding that it works better and better. The more my children believe that I can help them solve problems and work together to find solutions, the more they are likely to come to me with their problems to solve rather than hitting or other negative behaviors.
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 12 2017, 2:44 pm
123 magic may work for you
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 12 2017, 2:52 pm
Zehava wrote:
123 magic may work for you

THIS. Really.

My son is 5 years old. I just started giving him strict boundaries. And enforceing them. He fights, resists and tests, but is clearly happier. I used a modified version of 1-2-3 Magic only because I haven't reread the book recently.
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mha3484




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 12 2017, 2:57 pm
I love the explosive child but I found that until I made a certain amount of progress in dealing with my child's poor impulse control the methods did not make a significant dent.
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amother
Bisque


 

Post Mon, Jun 12 2017, 3:10 pm
ask her teachew how she disciplines her. that may give you a clue how to deal with her.
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amother
Babypink


 

Post Mon, Jun 12 2017, 3:31 pm
IMHO, you need to catch her being good and then praise her for it.
Wow, DD, I love the way you're sitting nicely during dinner.
You are so gentle with the baby, you're really turning into a more responsible big girl.
The more she hears how good she is, the more she'll want to be good.
She needs to believe she's a good girl, if not, why should she even try.
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BadTichelDay




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 12 2017, 3:37 pm
Thanks to all for the suggestions. I'll try them out one by one, depending on situation, and get a look at the books as well.
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Mon, Jun 12 2017, 4:02 pm
We had good success with 1-2-3-Magic, but know that it may get much worse before it gets better. I'm also not sure if it's the best first approach.

But also, you need to make your home environment less conducive to trouble:
- If she leaves the house herself, install a high lock with a key that you keep elsewhere.
- If she takes candy out of the cabinets, get locks for the cabinets.
- If she goes into the fridge whenever she wants, then get a fridge lock.
- If she breaks things, find a way to keep certain things out of her reach.

For kids with poor impulse control - if you can't control every behavior, then control the environment. Minimize the amount of things she can do wrong in the house, and this will reduce her stress and yours. Then work on the bad behavior that is left.

I also find that a system of positive and negative consequences works well. This means, the default is that you get a reward for behaving well, and it gets taken away if you misbehave, and each behavior has it's own reward. But you'll have to find out what she really wants. My daughter (age 4) can only be bribed by certain things - jewelry and kiddy makeup (think nail polish) work as rewards, as do very certain food treats (just one brand of ice pop), and for some reason rubber stamps work too, but toys don't work, ice cream doesn't work, hair accessories don't work, stickers don't work. You have to figure out what she will accept as a worthwhile reward. Make the rewards as immediate as possible to help her link her behavior with a reward.
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