DD Disappointed---What should I do?

amother

Gold

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 10:18 am

amother wrote:

OP here: I totally understand too, which is why I am trying to make it work!

Picking her up earlier won't work...there is a small window for pick-up and we'd never make it back for the awards. Night before won't work. But, like I said, in an earlier post, I was there last week and we did some packing up together, took pictures, went for ice cream.

Ok... but like others suggested, where is dh in this? Why cant he go to awards and you get dd? Obviously dd feels she needs a parent.

amother

Turquoise

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 10:25 am

Obviously every case is different and maybe there is more to the story, but sometimes there are scheduling conflicts and you just can't be in too many places at once. Soon before I was coming back from seminary in Eretz Yisrael my mother told me that I would be taking a cab home from the airport and no one would be home for 2 days. My mother had something work related and my father was taking the younger kids on a trip. Also I took a different flight than most of the girls with a stopover that was cheaper with miles. So I wasn't greeted at the airport by joyous family members and I asked the cab driver to help me bring my bags into my empty house. It was part of life and growing up. My mother came home the next night and we reunited then Smile

I was 18 years old so it was totally fine.

Raisin

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 10:33 am

If your daughter has siblings, she will need to get used to you not being there for her all the time. This sort of thing happens often in big families. You sound like amazing dedicated parents. It would be completely wrong for you to miss 4 kids awards ceremony for one (older) kid to be picked up at the exact time. If you can get there later that night that sounds like a nice compromise.

Chayalle

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 10:37 am

I think it's great that as a mother, you care about your daughter and wish it could work.

Beyond that, for a girl who is 18-19 I think you don't have to twist yourself in a pretzel. It's okay for kids to have disappointments, and they move on. As long as the love and interest we give them is in balance, the few times we can't be there for them the way they want will hopefully teach them coping skills for life.

The day after I got home from seminary in Israel, my mother left for a close family wedding in Australia. I was the oldest home and watched my siblings for a week (my father was also "home" but was at work from early morning till around 7 p.m.), cooked supper, got them out to summer daycamp, etc...I have no particular lingering memories from the time - only that it happened - so I guess I survived it and moved on with life.

amother

Firebrick

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 3:41 pm

OP here: Thank you all for your input and advice! I wish I could be in 2 places at the same time. I really do.

Here's an update: I called the driver to see what our options could be. Well, the plan of my going to pick her up at the regular dorm closing time wouldn't have worked anyway, even if we didn't have the awards ceremony. He has a full car driving in with other passengers, taking them to a big city about an hour from my daughter, then picking up my daughter afterwards. There wouldn't be room for myself (or dh) anyway. Leaving later wouldn't work because he has these passengers to drop off at a set time. This all completely removed this option. Moving on, we explored a different driver who works with this one, but he isn't available this week. So dd has 2 options: The original plan or my coming a day later with the driver . I've left it up to dd to decide. I did tell her that I would take her for a manicure and a special day out if she chose the the option where the driver just gets her and brings her home so that we can have a celebration together.

debsey

Mon, Jun 12 2017, 4:45 pm

amother wrote:

Hatzlacha. Ain't it fun, having teenagers and little kids???......

I'd put the entire problem in DD's lap. I'd say "So, do you think the little kids would be OK with me missing the awards ceremony? Or do you think you and I could make it up to you later?"

I find with my kids, when I let them in on the 'background' calculations, they are much more responsive to each others' needs.

I've had visiting day in two different states on the same Sunday, I've had a kid getting surgery the same day as a siddur party, etc. These things always happen. But I usually find if I ask the kids themselves how to handle it, they come up with something.

Like if I say - Listen, I'm going to his visiting day, but I'll come visit you the next week, I get pushback. If I say - he's having a rough time of it in camp, do you think I could maybe visit him on visiting day itself, and you a bit later in the week, I get a much better response.

Would something like that work?

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Jun 13 2017, 11:42 am

OP here: So, in the end dd decided to go with the driver on the day of the dorm closing. Once she realized that there wasn't a way for me to get there on the EXACT day of closing, she decided she'd just rather come home than staying until the next day for me to get her. It made the decision easier for her once we knew there wasn't any room in the car for me, and the alternate driver wasn't even available on closing day. I'm happy SHE made the decision, and we will certainly do something fun to celebrate her year in seminary!