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Forum -> Relationships -> Giving Gifts
NY Bar Mitzvah Gift kiddush only



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amother
Sapphire


 

Post Tue, Jun 13 2017, 12:27 pm
Can anyone advise what is an appropriate cash gift for a kiddush only Bar Mitzvah in NY? It's really a 2 part question
1. What to give if the family is only making a kiddush
2. What to give if the family is making a party, but I'm only invited to the kiddush
For a full party, we generally give $100-$125. I once gave the same to a boy who was having a kiddush only, and the mother returned it to me, saying that I had given too much since it was just a kiddush. I don't see why the boy should miss out on getting the gift. I'm very confused about this- any help would be appreciated
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mamaleh




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 13 2017, 12:51 pm
amother wrote:
Can anyone advise what is an appropriate cash gift for a kiddush only Bar Mitzvah in NY? It's really a 2 part question
1. What to give if the family is only making a kiddush
2. What to give if the family is making a party, but I'm only invited to the kiddush
For a full party, we generally give $100-$125. I once gave the same to a boy who was having a kiddush only, and the mother returned it to me, saying that I had given too much since it was just a kiddush. I don't see why the boy should miss out on getting the gift. I'm very confused about this- any help would be appreciated


😳😳😳 To me the fact that she returned it is WEIRD!

In terms of your question: 1. If that's all they are making then I would give your 'usual'. 2. This usually (though not always) means that they don't consider you from their 'closer' friends. If that's the case, you could decide to give less, if you want.

OTOH, if you can afford it, and you don't have a problem with giving it, then why give less? IMVHO, the mother mentioned above was not typical. I don't believe the timing or size of the 'party' should have any bearing on the gift
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animeme




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 13 2017, 1:18 pm
For a kiddush invite, many either contribute to a flower arrangement (often this is set up by neighbors and/or friends) or give food for the kiddush or for the boy's home, like a small candy platter or baked goods.
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amother
Sapphire


 

Post Tue, Jun 13 2017, 1:27 pm
Thanks. So I do chip in for flowers if only invited to kiddush, but was wondering if more of a gift is appropriate even if not invited to party.
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groovy1224




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 13 2017, 1:35 pm
amother wrote:
I once gave the same to a boy who was having a kiddush only, and the mother returned it to me, saying that I had given too much since it was just a kiddush. I don't see why the boy should miss out on getting the gift. I'm very confused about this- any help would be appreciated


What?? This blows my mind. What about people who gave less than she thought appropriate? Did she send an invoice?
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mommish613




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 13 2017, 1:36 pm
IMHO, you really dont give cash for just a Kiddush, unless you are particularly close to the person. If you want to do a little more than chipping in for flowers I would skip chipping in and either buy an inexpensive gift or a gift card. Or both of you feel it's appropriate. Some examples might be a monogrammed pen set, Sefer, siddur, leather wallet etc. My son has received these type of items from people who only attended the Kiddush and I thought it was so thoughtful! And it's a gift for him versus flowers which he won't really appreciate or benefit from.
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amother
Sapphire


 

Post Tue, Jun 13 2017, 1:42 pm
Your responses are so helpful! Thank you! Please keep them coming.
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amother
Sapphire


 

Post Tue, Jun 13 2017, 1:49 pm
mommish613 wrote:
IMHO, you really dont give cash for just a Kiddush, unless you are particularly close to the person. If you want to do a little more than chipping in for flowers I would skip chipping in and either buy an inexpensive gift or a gift card. Or both of you feel it's appropriate. Some examples might be a monogrammed pen set, Sefer, siddur, leather wallet etc. My son has received these type of items from people who only attended the Kiddush and I thought it was so thoughtful! And it's a gift for him versus flowers which he won't really appreciate or benefit from.


These ideas were great. Did you mean only for kiddush, but not invited to party or kiddush either way?
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mamaleh




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 13 2017, 2:09 pm
amother wrote:
These ideas were great. Did you mean only for kiddush, but not invited to party or kiddush either way?


I imagine she meant if there is a party and you are only invited to kiddush. And these are great ideas. Many of the candy stores/ bakeries will wrap a gift (some require it be bought from them) with a platter of some sort for the kiddush. I remember feeling like those were very tasteful and appreciated at the (baby) kiddush for my DDs.
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mommish613




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 13 2017, 2:12 pm
amother wrote:
These ideas were great. Did you mean only for kiddush, but not invited to party or kiddush either way?


I would specifically do it if there was no affair. The boy will be getting less gifts in general so he will really end up appreciating all the little ones.
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mamaleh




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 13 2017, 2:18 pm
mommish613 wrote:
I would specifically do it if there was no affair. The boy will be getting less gifts in general so he will really end up appreciating all the little ones.


Oops! Guess I was wrong about what she meant. If there was only a kiddush, I would send whatever I would've sent if there was a weekday affair. Why should the boy 'lose out' on gifts because his parents decided not to 'keep up with the cohens' (which is a good thing, if you ask me)?
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amother
Lime


 

Post Tue, Jun 13 2017, 4:12 pm
When I first started on the bar mitzvah circuit, I wanted to be considered a close friend and invited to the party. Now I feel the opposite - glad to be invited to kiddush only. Here's what I give:

1) Kiddush only - chip in for flowers
2) Party - $100
3) Weekend - $180 (we had a couple of these, some are better than others)

Another nice thing to do is drop off flowers (if no one is chipping in) or offer to help make the pekelach or something like that.
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 13 2017, 4:38 pm
A single Sefer for a boy you are not close with, acquaintance, coworker, neighbor, etc., son.
A nicer Sefer, small set for a boy (or his father) whom you have a relationship with.
A nicer gift, larger set, or larger cash gift for a close relationship.

I would assume that you get invited according to your relationship.
Don't be cheap on the boy if his parents can't give him three parties.
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