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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
DS Miserable - how to proceed? (sorry long post!)



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amother
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Post Mon, Jun 12 2017, 5:43 pm
So, as background: we live in a smallish OOT town community where there is only one frum school choice. The school is ok - the Jewish learning is pretty great, the secular studies (it's an MO school) is okay. The school struggles with instilling good middot in the kids, though we are not sure why. They talk about it a lot but it doesn't seem to work. We have several kids in the school (K-8th grade). It's a pretty small school with one class per grade.

DS is in middle school and has been struggling with bullying. One boy in particular is a problem. His parent is in the school administration and will be head of school next year. Now, typically social issues are addressed by this boy's parent, who is responsible for overseeing this type of issue. Since the parent's child is involved, another faculty member is the lead for dealing with this.

It seemed to get better for a while but now has gotten worse again. We are a small community, so DS is getting bullied both at school and away from school. He begs not to go to shul, and will come home in tears, or deeply withdrawn, when he goes to hang out with a group of the boys from school (to play basketball, ride bikes, etc) when he encounters this kid.

His other friends are scared to stand up to him because this child is a bully who has caused problems for a lot of the other boys. I wish that the other kids were stronger and stood up to him, but they don't. They don't even stick up for themselves - my DS sticks up for others when this kid bullies them, which makes him even more of a target.

We don't know what to do. I don't think that the faculty member who was put in charge of this is equipped to address it, even with their heart in the right place.

It is at the point that DH and I have urged DS to go to public school next year but DS says he won't because he loves learning so much (BH he is a great learner). I don't think I personally can take seeing my DS in so much pain next year. DH pointed out, correctly, that even if he switched schools, it will still be a problem as the other boy will be around for shabbatot, etc, in the community.

DH wants to send a very strong email to the parents of the boy (because this is an issue away from the school) and also go to the board of directors of the school because he feels that it's not being addressed appropriately. I'm not sure what to do. Anyone dealt with something similar or have any ideas?
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carrot




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 12 2017, 5:52 pm
Izzy Kalman is an expert on bullying who might be able up help your son without your needing to get the other parents etc involved at all, just by coaching your son on what he can do.
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amother
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Post Mon, Jun 12 2017, 6:04 pm
carrot wrote:
Izzy Kalman is an expert on bullying who might be able up help your son without your needing to get the other parents etc involved at all, just by coaching your son on what he can do.


Yes, we are familiar with Izzy Kalman's approach and it is not useful in this situation.

Thanks for your reply though.
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das




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 12 2017, 7:19 pm
No advice but hugs. So painful for the parents when child gets bullied.
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LittleMissMama




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 12 2017, 7:27 pm
I have a son who has been bullied and a son who has bullied (teased?) another child. Hugs.

Pulling your son is not the answer. This other child needs stronger intervention not just to save your own son, but to prevent anyone else's child from being a victim. I think you need to meet directly with the parent and let your anger show. If you email the administrator, cc the head of the school board, to loop him in.

And if the school is so small, I suspect they do not want to lose your tuition dollars and will take the meeting somewhat seriously.

I'd also like to add, that when I heard my son was teasing another child, I was a combination of disciplinarian and loving mother. I was stern because we do not tolerate that kind of behavior, ever. But loving because I think my son was struggling in certain areas and feeling superior to this kid made him feel better about himself.
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SixOfWands




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 12 2017, 7:28 pm
I'm so sorry.

Can you contact the parents in a very neutral way. There are issues between the boys, its affecting them and the class, you'd like to meet with a neutral party and the boys to hammer it out.

Either that or teach your son self defense, and tell him that its fine to use it against verbal or physical bullying. Not that I really advocate that, but its nice to daydream.
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amother
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Post Mon, Jun 12 2017, 7:58 pm
SixOfWands wrote:
I'm so sorry.

Can you contact the parents in a very neutral way. There are issues between the boys, its affecting them and the class, you'd like to meet with a neutral party and the boys to hammer it out.

Either that or teach your son self defense, and tell him that its fine to use it against verbal or physical bullying. Not that I really advocate that, but its nice to daydream.


We're already in communication with the parents - they're being very lovely about it, and we have approached it from the perspective that their kid is a good kid but is engaging in this bad behavior....but it doesn't seem to be getting better. This particular kid has been a source of a lot of strife for other kids - he is now the only boy left in his grade.

Regarding the self-defense - DS has said that he wants to punch this kid because he thinks that's the only way to get this kid to leave him alone. Of course we discourage this but I'm starting to think my DS may be right.
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momtra




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 12 2017, 8:36 pm
Such a hard situation.
Maybe don't send a strong email to parents right away, you need them to be your partners in this. Agreed that you should go to the board and present this problem to them and ask for a follow up plan.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 12 2017, 9:11 pm
If you have been in touch and they have been lovely about it, does that mean they have shared with you which approaches they have tried?

I think it might be helpful to point out to the board that your DS is the last boy left,can you are considering putting him elsewhere because he is so unhappy.

Money may speak a language that needs to be heard.

This situation has clearly gone on too long.
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jun 12 2017, 9:21 pm
amother wrote:
We're already in communication with the parents - they're being very lovely about it, and we have approached it from the perspective that their kid is a good kid but is engaging in this bad behavior....but it doesn't seem to be getting better. This particular kid has been a source of a lot of strife for other kids - he is now the only boy left in his grade.

Regarding the self-defense - DS has said that he wants to punch this kid because he thinks that's the only way to get this kid to leave him alone. Of course we discourage this but I'm starting to think my DS may be right.


Is the child who is bullying getting professional help?
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sped




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 13 2017, 5:19 am
I know someone whose son was being bullied and the parents' intervention was not helpful. He finally went to the bully himself (or called him - I don't remember) and threatened him that if he so much as touches or bothers his son again, he will go to the police. He really yelled at him (with a raised voice) and the bully got scared and stopped.
I don't think it is the first or ideal approach, but if nothing else helps, I think it should be done.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 13 2017, 7:17 am
amother wrote:
We're already in communication with the parents - they're being very lovely about it, and we have approached it from the perspective that their kid is a good kid but is engaging in this bad behavior....but it doesn't seem to be getting better. This particular kid has been a source of a lot of strife for other kids - he is now the only boy left in his grade.

Regarding the self-defense - DS has said that he wants to punch this kid because he thinks that's the only way to get this kid to leave him alone. Of course we discourage this but I'm starting to think my DS may be right.


I actually spoke to a child's therapist regarding my son who gets bullied, who told me that I should tell my son to push a certain child who was relentlessly bullying him. If your son is strong, I think he should punch this kid. Bullies look for weakness. If your son displays strength, the bully might stop.
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nechamashifra




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 13 2017, 1:17 pm
Can't remember where I heard this advice but it's brilliant and I have taught it to my kids: never defend yourself to a bully.
Bullies are looking for a confrontation...if you don't give to them, they'll be stuck and move on to someone else. If he says "your glasses are ugly", he is waiting for you to cry back "no, they're not" so that he can add to it. Instead, practice not looking upset and respond with something like: "hmm, I hear ya, they're not that beautiful...maybe I'll look into nicer ones next time"
You can practice different examples with your son so that he can gain more confidence. After a while, the bully will realize he's not getting the reaction he's looking for and he'll hopefully move on.
Taking him out of the school is not the solution. Bullies are everywhere in life....instead of trying to change them, it makes more sense to learn how to stand up to them.
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amother
Seashell


 

Post Wed, Jun 14 2017, 3:41 pm
I was bullied. I took karate. So did the bully. (We never fought, almost all of the bullying was verbal or minor physical 'touch' which was not physically damaging). My mom yelled at the bully, and the bullying just got worse. Talked to the school, and they did nothing. Tried ignoring her and it didn't help, tried confronting her and it didn't help, tried running away from her and it didn't help. There were no other school options where we lived. So I suffered through 4 years of bullying. Ruined my life, and that is not an exaggeration - I became depressed and suicidal at 15. While I didn't kill myself in the end, I still have relationship issues to this day, just ask my husband. I've been through 6 therapists, medication, and more, and the bullying ended almost 20 years ago for me but I am still dealing with it. I lived through 4 years of my own personal h*ll courtesy this bully. My story is not the exception, it is the rule when it comes to long term bullying.

Talk to the teacher. Talk to the principal. Talk to the school guidance counselor. Talk to the school board. Talk to the other parents. Talk to the PTA. If there has been any physical violence, even just once, tell the school board you will go to the police if it is not dealt with within the next few weeks (give a specific deadline) - and you will talk to the police about how the school allowed violence. If the bully has threatened your child, this also warrants a call to the police, and use the same tactic. This is not a time to be gentle about it. Bullying ruins people's lives, sometimes to the point of ending them. If there has been no physical violence, there still must be things you can do. At the very least, march into the principal's office every week if you have to. Don't take no for an answer.

My parents didn't do enough. My teachers didn't do enough. The principal didn't do enough. Maybe they didn't know how. But I blame every single one of them for not doing more, because they were the adults and I was 10. And 11. And 12. And 13. And 14. And they allowed me to be bullied on their watch. You can bet that I never had a good relationship with my parents after that - if they don't have my back, no one does.

I know this is a tough situation for you, and these things can be very delicate in small Jewish communities. But if another adult were harassing you, would you just let it go?

Here are some things you can do:

- Keep a notebook with a record of every time the bully does something to your child. Dates, times, and type of incident should be recorded (keep it brief). Keep separate records for in school and out of school. Bring it with you to the principal and school board. Take it backto the principal or school board every week if you have to.
- Go through the school's rulebook and see if any school rules were broken by the bully - this helps your case with the school board. If there are no rules about anything, this should also be brought up with the school board.
- When you meet with the principal and school board, tell them you are going to record, because they are accountable for preventing bullying in school and you want to have a record of what their policy is and what the plan is for dealing with it. If they refuse to be recorded, tell them you have no choice but to go straight to the police.
- I don't know whether getting an attorney is warranted - for public schools, you can sue them. I don't know about private schools, it might depend on what their policy is.
- You could even hire a security guard to stand in the school (or even in shul or other places in the neighborhood) to make sure that the bully isn't bothering your child or other children. Telling the parents you are going to do this might seem so embarrassing for them that they will understand how serious you are. Even if it's not, it might work.
- Go talk to the principle every week. At the very least, they may make more of an effort just so that you aren't taking up so much of their time.

I know my post sounds harsh. But since you asked for advice, I wanted to give you some ideas. They are not as drastic as they sound, and they may be the only way to help your son.

Also, while you are solving this and after, make sure your son is in therapy with someone with experience in bullying. (not instead of solving it, just because it sounds like your son is already at the point where he needs it - this is to help him deal with his own feelings, not deal with the bully).

I applaud you for trying to help your son as much as you can and wish you lots of luck.
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Petra




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 15 2017, 12:18 am
Fear of the unknown (I.e. switching from a school he knows to one he doesn't know) can be paralyzing.

Although switching schools seems like it's just running from a problem instead of coping and dealing, there is only so much a child can comprehend or handle. Kids are not emotionally equipped and can not thrive in an abusive environment.

I would be very tempted to insist DS switch schools. You can get tutors for his Jewish learning.

On the other hand, I can't believe that the school and parents of the bully have not done more. And did I understand you correctly that in the bully's class, he is the only boy left? As in, the other boys were chased away? So is the bully just emotionally twisted or is this kid on a whole other level such as future sociopath?
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