12 year old girls PLEASE HELP

simcha2

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 12:58 pm

little neshamala wrote:

OP, I was somewhat like that at that age. The whole world knew me as sweet, helpful and mature, and my mother couldnt tolerate my terrible attitude at home.

Want to know why? Because it was a vicious cycle. Doesnt matter who started it...I would have a nasty attitude, she would become very exasperated with me. I didnt feel enough love, or more importantly-LIKE- from my mother, which in turn caused me to feel resentful and unhappy and grouchy. On and on.

I knew she loved me. I also knew she didnt like me as a teenage girl. She wasnt impressed with my level of tznius, she didnt like how unhelpful I was, she never "just wanted to hang out" with me, she never told me how much she loved xyz about me etc...

So why would I bring all my bouncy outside cheer inside the house where I wasnt appreciated for who I was?

All she had to do was stop criticizing me (even though it was warranted) or at least do the 90% rule-for every 1 negative comment, say 9 positive. That wouldve totally worked with me.

She could've laughed with me, asked me to keep her company on an errand "because I love your company". She couldve laughed at my immature jokes, pretended to love the way my earrings looked, asked me to pick one supper per week, asked my opinion on anything at all, so long as it felt important-even if she had to make it up...she couldve purposely spoken about me in a positive light where she knew I would overhear...she couldve told me "oh my gosh I really miss you when youre not home! U really brighten the place up" even tho it wasnt true...

All of those wouldve brought out my happy side. Instead, I fed off her negative vibes towards me (and they were subtle,but I felt them) and acted nasty, and therefor she fed off my nastiness and acted negatively...and on and on. Oh well. What a shame.

I could have written this post. And even as an adult our relationship has never recovered.

OP, please hide your negativity from your daughter. 12 year olds (and 13,14 and 15 year olds) are tough and are having a tough time. I know it is hard (I have a dd that age), but please, please, please think about all the years afterwards that could be wonderful with a bit of mesirus nefesh on your part now.

cozyblanket

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 1:04 pm

simcha2 wrote:

You both said it very well!

simcha2

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 1:27 pm

I just wanted to add,

OP, I know it must be hard. You posted here looking for help on how to encourage your daughter and all of the replies have been about you having to be the one to change. I think with tween/teenage girls especially we have to realise that between hormones, changing social structures, changing bodies, new schools and added life responsibilities they are going through incredible transitions and we have to be the adults and be solid and there for them even when they don't know what they want our how to get there. Just like to the toddler years these are the times that will forever define their self esteem and so we need to not take the tantrums personally and daven for everyone to make it through to the other side.

(I am trying hard to follow my own advice...I am the grown up)....and there is always chocolate for after they've gone to bed.

sneakermom

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 2:01 pm

Op I think many posters here don't understand what you're dealing with.

To me it sounds like your daughter struggles with self regulation. She's moody, struggles with self care and is constantly craving something.

Kids like her respond very well to the nurtured heart approach. Google it to learn more about it. Basically it's a way of just focusing on the positive while holding her responsible for her behavior.

Also you need a place to vent your frustration so that it doesn't negatively affect your relationship with her.

And at some point she might need a therapist to teach her self regulation skills. Today they are teaching dbt skills to kids because it works really well for self regulation.

amother

Powderblue

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 2:45 pm

amother wrote:

If you have a sense dd might be bipolar it may be fruitful to investigate whether you are behaving in a bipolar way with her. Like being loving at times and being angry, in a way that makes it unpredictable.
I have a neighbor like that. She's super loving and super angry with her kids and it's kinda difficult to live with a mom who fluctuates between extremes of love and hate, or of kindness and meanness

That sounds more like borderline personality disorder/ issues, not like bipolar.

amother

Burgundy

Thu, Jun 15 2017, 6:54 pm

Since we're all sharing our teenage experiences, here's mine.

I was an extremely sensitive child but also very opinionated. Too bad that my opinions differed with those of my mother most of the time. She made my life miserable by insisting I do things the way SHE wanted. Sometimes I gave in and resented it but most of the time I was stubborn and we fought till I was in tears. I was uncooperative. She saw me as the 'bad' one who wasn't seeing things the 'right' way. It was all just a matter of opinion, personal preference or personality style though. I also craved love and kindness and didn't respect the fact that she had none to give. She had loads of criticism to offer constantly and that made me very moody. I did not properly communicate because, well, she would not have responded well and would never understand my deep craving for love and harmony.

Today it seems we get along but that's only cuz I'm doing my part. I don't respect her much on the inside but I can forgive her if I apply a mature outlook.

If she would only cut the criticism and stop picking fights with me about everything, that would have been a help. Also, she needed to see my personality not as 'wrong' but as different than hers and instead of making me feel terribly self conscious about some things she could compliment the positive side of me which I can see myself. A quote I once heaRd goes as follows:

"What you water, that's what grows"