How to set rules with dd who just returned from seminary

amother

Blush

Mon, Jun 19 2017, 12:40 pm

DD just got home from her seminary year.
Before dd left, she was probably the bossiest kid we have. We did the best we could to set rules so that she didn't become like another parent to her younger siblings (she's the oldest.)

During her year away, everyone settled into a much quieter atmosphere. Little kids appreciate not being bossed around. DH and I didn't have to worry about monitoring her "parenting".

Now she's back. And she picked up right where she left off in September! It's also harder because she is now age-wise an "adult", and more grown up.

In general, she also has an "I'm and adult, so I can do whatever I want" kind of attitude. What do we do about this? (She's not sure yet what she wants to do next year, so she's home until she figures that out, and she may even be staying home.)

Thanks!

amother

Red

Mon, Jun 19 2017, 12:49 pm

I'd call her out on her behavior. I'd tell her being bossy is not an adult trait. I'd reminder her of the house rule that nobody is bossy in the house. I'd reminder her that she's not a parent in the house.

At the same time, I'd commiserate with her over the challenges of going from a fun living with peers environment to the challenges of living with little kids.

chicco

Mon, Jun 19 2017, 12:54 pm

I think you needs to have a frank, but gentle conversation. Talk to her in a way that shows that you appreciate that she is a grown up now, and therefore she should also understand her place in your home. Being a grown up doesn't mean you get to boss. It means you get to take responsibility. Dd, we are so glad to have you back, we all missed you this past year. Just like you had a year full of growth, your siblings have too. It's important to give everyone their respect and space. As an adult now, surely you appreciate xyz.... And go from there. As long as you acknowledge her new status and are not accusatory, I think you can tell her how you feel.

Good luck!

tichellady

Mon, Jun 19 2017, 1:16 pm

Can you give her more responsibility at home? Can she be in charge of dinner some nights during the week, etc?
I don't know what rules you want to set with her but at this age I think it's smart to talk out the rules you are setting with her and explain them to her and then be consistent about them.

crust

Mon, Jun 19 2017, 1:29 pm

Some children are more bossy by nature. This is an asset. They are powerful leaders, have resilience and can follow through with heavy duty workloads.
An important factor to think about before having this discussion would be, Where else can she use this nature?
Acknowledge it. Show her that you see the good part in it. She might also have ideas where she wants to use her skill set.

imasinger

Mon, Jun 19 2017, 3:21 pm

Following.

I can tell you that it doesn't work so much to tell the bossy one to let you be the parent. Some people can't help themselves.

It can sometimes help to encourage younger kids to speak their minds when they get annoyed.

It can help to minimize situations where you leave the older one in charge.

It can help sometimes to praise restraint when you see it.

But short of therapy to address the underlying causes, which only works with a willing participant, none of these seems to work terribly well.

amother

Wheat

Mon, Jun 19 2017, 4:21 pm

I would have a discussion with her about the sem year. What was the best and worst part of being away all year.

And then bring in what it was like for the family to be without her all year. For example, "We missed the awesome desserts you like to make, your sense of humor, and frankly your presence but the kids felt more freedom to be themselves without feeling bossed by an older sister."

And then to discuss what it's like to be back. For her and for the family.

This will give her a chance to process her experience being there and coming back. As well as see better the other side. How the family feels.

Chayalle

Mon, Jun 19 2017, 4:23 pm

It's the nature of an oldest child to be a bit more bossy. It's because they were born into the family at a point where there was no one but you, your DH, and said child. They see themselves as a natural extension of their parents. (As heard from Mrs. Trenk, a popular parenting mentor in Lakewood.)

It's important to understand that this is part of who she is, rather than a conscious choice she has made to boss everyone around her. It comes along with pros (she probably feels more responsibility to the family, and is likely to contribute more than her fair share in the future. R' Dovid Feinstein told my oldest sister, who is an absolute tzadeikes and does so much for the whole family, that the oldest tends to take responsibility.) and cons (bossiness not appreciated by siblings).

That's why in the Torah an oldest gets Pi Shnayim - a double inheritance - in recognition of the role they tend to play. I can say with a full heart that both my oldest sister, and DH's oldest brother, would fully deserve that. (not getting into female inheritance according to the Torah here, but just saying my feeling, more...)

I think anything you say to her should come along with validation of her position - how you see that she is so responsible, and feels strongly about her siblings, but that x child really needs a softer position, but you appreciate how she feels, etc...

And like others have said, keep her busy. I told my oldest DD, when she finished finals (she attended seminary locally) that she needs to find a job. I need my space (I work from home) and she needs to keep busy. B"H she has found a job, and starts this week. It's the best thing ever for both of us.