I just can't open a siddur

nadvorna

Sat, May 27 2017, 5:41 pm

I've been struggling with this for years, and I can't even find a rational explanation. I am frum in everyway, (I didn't say I am perfect in every way), I am makpid on halocha, I have have raised happy frum children I am proud of, but I can.not.daven. Asking Hashem for help as I go about my day, no problem. I bentch after a meal and always make brochos. I say krias shma. But that's it. Something stops me from opening a siddur and davening shacharis mincha and ma'ariv. Even just Birchas Hashachar. I can go through an entire YomTov and never open my machzor. It's not lack of time, or a resistance to the concept of davening, or anything I can explain. The only thing I can think of is laziness, but I'm not a lazy person. I struggled with this as a teen, but in seminary I slowly increased what I davened, and for several years after that, I davened three times a day, four on R"CH and completed Tehillim every month. When the children came, they slowly got dropped, one by one until I stopped davening at all. The best I can do is mumble Bircas Hashachar under my breath, but never from a siddur. And starting with a little and building up doesn't work, I simply cannot pick up a siddur. It is bothering me particularly now, because I am in a difficult precarious situation, I could even call it desperate, and dozens of people are davening for me! But I myself can't pick up a tehillim. I can sob my heart out for hours, begging Hashem to save me, but not according to a script. I am posting here for solutions, not to be told not to worry and you're davening from your heart which is all that matters etc. I feel very strongly that the words of the t'fillos are extremely powerful. And in the opinion of a lot of Poskim, women are mechuyev to daven Shacharis and Mincha daily, with the chiyuv of Shacharis being a condensed version of the one one men are mechuyav in, only not at the expense of neglecting their children. I don't have small kids anymore and time is not an issue. Please, if you are suffering something similar, or have a suggestion even if you aren't, I want to hear from you![quote]

elisheva25

Sat, May 27 2017, 10:41 pm

I am totally and 100% like this
I have been like this my entire life
This is what I will tell you Go easy on yourself
There really no point to beat yourself up over this
I also feel terrible at times
But I reframe the situation
Look the whole point of Davening is to talk to HaShem
You say you already talk to Him all day long, so there you go
You have achieved that goal
I don't know what it is exactly..... something about formal davening feels restraining and foreign to me
Don't know what to say
Maybe make tiny goals for yourself
I am also going through a particular situation and the only way is tefila
Absolutely only way
I Daven by candle lighting
I talk to HaShem all day
I sometimes will pick up a tehilim

ShabbosBaby

Sat, May 27 2017, 11:48 pm

[quote="nadvorna"]I've been struggling with this for years, and I can't even find a rational explanation. I am frum in everyway, (I didn't say I am perfect in every way), I am makpid on halocha, I have have raised happy frum children I am proud of, but I can.not.daven. Asking Hashem for help as I go about my day, no problem. I bentch after a meal and always make brochos. I say krias shma. But that's it. Something stops me from opening a siddur and davening shacharis mincha and ma'ariv. Even just Birchas Hashachar. I can go through an entire YomTov and never open my machzor. It's not lack of time, or a resistance to the concept of davening, or anything I can explain. The only thing I can think of is laziness, but I'm not a lazy person. I struggled with this as a teen, but in seminary I slowly increased what I davened, and for several years after that, I davened three times a day, four on R"CH and completed Tehillim every month. When the children came, they slowly got dropped, one by one until I stopped davening at all. The best I can do is mumble Bircas Hashachar under my breath, but never from a siddur. And starting with a little and building up doesn't work, I simply cannot pick up a siddur. It is bothering me particularly now, because I am in a difficult precarious situation, I could even call it desperate, and dozens of people are davening for me! But I myself can't pick up a tehillim. I can sob my heart out for hours, begging Hashem to save me, but not according to a script. I am posting here for solutions, not to be told not to worry and you're davening from your heart which is all that matters etc. I feel very strongly that the words of the t'fillos are extremely powerful. And in the opinion of a lot of Poskim, women are mechuyev to daven Shacharis and Mincha daily, with the chiyuv of Shacharis being a condensed version of the one one men are mechuyav in, only not at the expense of neglecting their children. I don't have small kids anymore and time is not an issue. Please, if you are suffering something similar, or have a suggestion even if you aren't, I want to hear from you![quote][/quote
]
Wow! I'm surprised to hear it from someone else! I thought I'm the only one with this problem. It's so embarrassing when I go to my shviger. She recites the whole tehilim every Shabbos. And I don't even daven Sad

Right after my wedding when I stayed there for Shabbos I had the adrenaline not to make myself look bad, so I davened struggling with every word. I got so emotionaly exhausted afterwards.
The only way I was able to accomplish that was sitting alone in a relaxing place making sure not to be distracted buy a single noise.
I think my sisters are also struggling with this.
I talk a lot to Hashem during the day though.

FranticFrummie

Sun, May 28 2017, 3:29 am

I can only daven from a siddur if I'm in shul. Otherwise I just can't focus. (darn ADD!)

I highly suggest you read "In Forest Fields" by Rabbi Shalom Arush, translated by Rabbil Lazar Brody. You can find it on the Breslov website.

It tells you how to effectively daven in your own words, whenever and wherever you get a chance. For a busy mom, this skill is indespensible! I call it a skill, because in the beginning you don't know what or how to ask. You feel silly sometimes. This book will help you understand how to state what you need, ask for what you want, and how to express gratitude for what you already have. How to ask for forgiveness, and to recieve strength.

You can even get mad at G-d, yell at him, cry, be confused, or just say "I don't know what to say to You, help me learn how to talk to you!"

Just as a parent loves to hear her child's voice, Hashem wants to hear from us. Not just words from a book, but what is truly in our hearts and minds. Nothing is too small or petty to bring before our loving Heavenly Parent.

salt

Sun, May 28 2017, 4:09 am

Maybe it's a reading thing in general. Do you read books, articles, magazines?
I find (in my old age Smile

) that I cannot concentrate till the end of an article.
And with davening, say benching, I start out fine and then skim through till the end. My mind is already on the next thing. I have to really really try hard to read through slowly till the end.
Same with Amidah - I can find I skip the last few brachos - and suddenly I'm at the end and I'm not sure how I got there.
I think it's just a matter of time, and our rushed lives our minds are always on the next thing.
Why not take one piece extra to say from a siddur. Can just be Ashrei, sing it out loud till the end.

WitchKitty

Sun, May 28 2017, 4:18 am

I have the same problem Crying

I try to say every day at least שבח בקשה והודיה' in my own words, which according to some is the minimum chiyuv.
I try to make "charts" for myself, with prizes. About a year ago I handed my friend 50 dollars to buy me a prize if I davened shacharis for 2 weeks straight.
Yesterday I davened mincha and found out that altough I've been living in this apartment for 5 months I have no clue where mizrach is.
I speak to Hashem but I so want to really daven.
And Salt- I love reading. At least a book a day.

nadvorna

Sun, May 28 2017, 9:13 am

(sort of) nice to know I'm not the only one out there with this problem. I'm really trying to work out where it is coming from and if I behave in the same way with or towards something else but it's not Jewish related so it doesn't bother me. I read like crazy, so I don't think there is any connection there, for me at least. As for ADD - never would have thought I had it, what would any other symptoms be? As for always having your mind on the next thing, I think there might be something to that but how would you deal with it? And why would it come out particularly with davening from a siddur? Just thinking out loud really. I think all of us would like some insight into it. If I know what it's coming from, I'm more likely to find a solution to it.

PinkFridge

Sun, May 28 2017, 9:54 am

fsr wrote:

I have the same problem Crying

Very important point here, that I'll get to.
OP, it's GREAT that you talk to Hashem. This is tefillah, knowing that we have to communicate for everything. What we have to remember is it's not just bakasha. We have to praise Hashem and thank Him too. Try sandwich the bakashos between shevach and hodaya, as fsr does. (And good on you, fsr!)

I would never have imagined myself at the point I am now as far as how much I daven formally. (Don't think it's everything 3x a day.) It's a process and I endorsed myself for everything I added in over the years.

There are a few things. There's the getting out of the habit of davening after years of raising kids, and then there's the malaise and funk we have threads on about how hard it is to daven and believe there's any purpose in it. You ladies who are talking to Hashem, you are really far ahead of the game and are doing something valuable, even while you want to do more. Endorse yourselves for what you do, for recognizing Who the source is, and for having the ratzon. Yeah, ratzon that doesn't translate to action is missing something but you can still tell a lot about a person by what s/he wants. Or even what s/he wants to want.

Ruchel

Tue, Jun 20 2017, 7:52 am

I wasn't forced to daven. I have no problem with authority I recognize (than I am even the type to support/enforce it). Hashem is the authority I recognize the most (bh). I love reading. As a teen I did morning and night prayer which was basically very very frummy in my circles. Yet I also can't force myself to sit through it... I'll do the shema though (my rav said it's ok for women).

My daughter is "forced" to daven at school, also at home during vacay etc, and davka she loves it, she is the one asking to go to shul or going by herself. I think there are two things: us moms already have many things in mind... plus whether or not this is our habit from infancy