Does staring = harassing?

amother

Apricot

Wed, Jun 21 2017, 5:52 am

My daughter is 14, and our next door neighbor is 16. My husband told me recently that he wants to approach the neighbor asking him not to stare at our daughter. A few times he has seen him standing and looking at her for several seconds for no reason. DH asked DD if it bothers her and she said yes.

I on the other hand think it's normal teenage behavior. When my daughter told me that one of the neighbors was staring at her I told her that that's what teenage boys do, and that he'll outgrow it. I told DH that we have to think long and hard before going and shaming this young man for a fairly innocent annoyance.

But Fox's reply in the other thread about why abuse is bad got me thinking. I am definitely a non-sensitive person and DH and DD are HSP. So maybe it's just me not being sensitive enough to something that really is a problem.

What do you all think?

amother

Purple

Wed, Jun 21 2017, 6:20 am

The fact that it's common doesn't make it ok. Decent, menschlich men- Jewish or not, religious or secular- do not stare at women. A brief glance can't always be helped, but if this boy's father hasn't yet taught him not to stare at young women, someone ought to and it may as well be your husband. Anon b/c I'm thinking of starting a spinoff, something I was thinking of posting for a while anyway that's related.

amother

Chocolate

Wed, Jun 21 2017, 6:25 am

My advice is 100%, unequivocally, most definitely, without a doubt, for Sure, do NOT approach this boy and tell him anything. Maybe have your daughter "catch him" by glancing back at him while he's staring so he realizes he's busted. But for a man to approach an otherwise nice boy and embarrass him over something like this- no way!

amother

Apricot

Wed, Jun 21 2017, 6:30 am

I'm thinking to tell DH to talk to him when no one else is around, not involve the parents, and just tell him simply that the staring is bothering her - please stop. No lectures.

If his parents are involved they will give it to him. I know because our windows face each other.

amother

Brown

Wed, Jun 21 2017, 6:30 am

As a young girl, I got stared at a lot. Tall, blonde, and thin. I would tell the guys off, and walk away. It didn't stop them, but it made me feel better.

It made it their problem and not mine.

amother

Apricot

Wed, Jun 21 2017, 6:33 am

First response made me think we should speak up. Second response says not to so now I don't know.

Yes, she is blond, curvy and cute, and has gotten attention from everyone for her looks from the day she was born. We need to figure out how to handle these types of things as it probably will come up again.

amother

Apricot

Wed, Jun 21 2017, 6:36 am

amother wrote:

What you wrote was exactly my instinct, but what about the fact that we are next door neighbors and they will likely be meeting daily for the next 6 or more years?

amother

Brown

Wed, Jun 21 2017, 7:01 am

aleph wrote:

Tell him off for "standing and looking at her for several seconds"?? Unless I am missing something here, that sounds absurd.

Yes, the girl can say to him, "don't stare at me" and walk away.
It gives her back her power.
She is feeling uncomfortable. She should be able to say something. Period.

It takes the blame for tznius and put it back where it belongs. He has a responsibility too.

imasinger

Wed, Jun 21 2017, 7:05 am

amother wrote:

This!

At 14, she needs to learn to stand up for herself. Her father isn't always going to be on hand to fight her battles. Let him teach her how to take control.

amother

Apricot

Wed, Jun 21 2017, 7:09 am

imasinger wrote:

This!

At 14, she needs to learn to stand up for herself. Her father isn't always going to be on hand to fight her battles. Let him teach her how to take control.

You all have convinced me that the response should come from her alone. When you hear the right answer you feel it inside of you. Thanks everyone!

sequoia

Wed, Jun 21 2017, 7:15 am

amother wrote:

Do you stare at the same woman every day? If you did, it would probably make her feel odd.

I'm just sayin, sometimes you're spacing out and you don't mean to cause discomfort.

amother

Honeydew

Wed, Jun 21 2017, 8:07 am

Please don't embarrass and shame this young man. I don't think he is doing anything wrong, he is doing what any sixteen year old boy would do when in the presence of a pretty young lady. Can she look at him and smile when he is paying attention to her to normalize the situation? He is not being abusive or nefarious, and I don't think you should turn this into something that it's not for both the young man and your daughters sake.

amother

Chartreuse

Wed, Jun 21 2017, 8:30 am

Well this post brings back memories.. every day when u got off the school bus.. there was young man who would wait outside and STARE. It was very very creepy.
I had this all the time since I was little, and still to today Sad

I don't have advice, but I just want to say I feel for her.

petiteruchy

Wed, Jun 21 2017, 9:43 am

Staring can most definitely be harassment. Men use their gaze as a weapon to make women feel uncomfortable. Tell me that a man staring at you for several minutes on a bus, for example, wouldn't make you feel uncomfortable and exposed.

Now, is what this teen doing harassment? It depends on a few factors. If it's truly a few seconds and in a distracted way, then no, not harassment, but at the same time he needs to realize that it's not appropriate and will make women uncomfortable, especially as he grows. If it's a few minutes, following her movements, or moving into a better place to see her, then yes, and either she, or her father should say something.

I have no patience for people acting like men's behavior is innocent and harmless. Men complimenting women, staring at women, trying to strike up conversations... It all is behavior that would never be tried on other men, and it carries with it, for women, the threat that if they aren't polite and accepting of it, the threat of violence. This boy's behavior may not be in this realm yet, and may never enter this realm, but a 16 yo isn't innocent. He has control over his eyes. And if your daughter feels it's invasive, well, probably there's a reason for that.

amother

Gold

Wed, Jun 21 2017, 9:45 am

He may not even realize he's being obvious. It's the daughter's job to tell him to stop. Dragging anyone else in would humiliate him
Just have her catch him at it and say, please stop staring, it's rude. Once should be enough.