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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
ADHD and broke car window



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amother
Amber


 

Post Tue, Jun 20 2017, 8:51 pm
This week he broke someone's car window he threw a rock while fighting with a friend.
Last week he shmeared someone's property with calking.

All of this within 2 weeks. He is doing so much better. Yet this came up and dh is so upset.

What's an appropriate consequence? Dh thinks he should stay home till he thinks he can trust him again. He is so impulsive it's scary.

While he's on meds he's the sweetest kid but once it's out of his system it's all of this plus more. I'm crying. I know he didn't do this on purpose. I also know he shouldn't play with this kid they are a bad match. I also know he likes him and there's not a lot I could do to make him stop playing with him.

You can't choose your children's friends.

1. Have you ever heard of a child throwing rocks and breaking car window?

2. Given his age he cannot pay for this. What's an appropriate consequence.

Yelling at him will not get me anywhere. It's gonna make him to be defensive and he won't take responsibility. But how can I trust him?

Dh thinks it's not normal for a child to do this. I said yes there have been kids who did this and it's kind of normal. I will ask him to tell me what his version is tomorrow.

Anyone can help me here? I'm feeling so lost.
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PAMOM




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 20 2017, 9:01 pm
How old is he? Why isn't his medication level kept stable? Most important, what sort of behavioral therapy is he getting to help him control his behavior?
Edited to add: I'm NOT blaming you!
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 20 2017, 9:56 pm
Hugs.

What meds is he on? Some kids do well with an impulse control medication (guanfacine) as well as a stimulant like Ritalin. You also might want to ask about a longer acting stimulant since you are right, he may be worse after it wears off. That's called the "rebound effect", and it's pretty common.

When my DS with ADHD was 8, he also threw a rock at a car and damaged it.

I had him pay 10% of the repair cost, and do chores to earn that money. He also wrote a note of apology. It was more symbolic, because the car owner didn't care as long as her car got fixed (which of course, we paid for).

All other things we might have spent money on as extras for him (like treats) were suspended until the debt was paid.

I also didn't let him play outside unsupervised for a while. During that time, he still played outside, but I watched him the whole time for a while.

Behavior therapy is a good idea in addition to meds. There are good systems that can help him learn to recognize the warning signs before the fight escalates out of control.

You also might want to make sure he has a list of activities for times when he is bored. If he is engaged in something he likes, he will be less likely to do something destructive.
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crust




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 20 2017, 10:30 pm
This is very normal behavior for a child with ADHD. Tell your husband 'men hut shoyn gehert azans'!!
I wish they come up with something to counteract the rebound effect.
Does he process consequences effectively?
If he is intuitive, then, A 'thinking day' at home is an idea. The question with such a child is always; By giving him an afternoon at home, who gets a bigger consequence here, mother or child?

If you have a talk with him, can it be productive? Like, he can come up with measures that need to be taken so this doesn't happen again.

Remember that these children are extra sensitive souls though thier impulsivity often taints that. He would never want to do it. Im almost sure he is broken about it.
What does he say?
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amother
Amber


 

Post Wed, Jun 21 2017, 10:02 am
ds is 8 years old.
thanks everyone for responding! hes on ritalin(switched from adderall short term) to 6-8 type and guanfacine. I do notice that it has a rebound effect. which I dont know what I can do about.

he just switched from adderall 4-6 hr one to the 6-8 hr ritalin.

hes in therapy. I am not sure if shes addressing the issues we here are speaking of. hes in therapy for about 2-3 months. is that enough time to see if hes getting any help from it? I dont know if its helpful at all. she wont tell me what she does with him. I have asked her what she thinks of ds and she says she doesnt see any of the issues I am complaining about. she did see normal childrens behavior though. but hey hes on meds when he gets to her so of course she doesnt see it.

my next issue is how do I approach him with this. I didnt say anything to him at all and he didnt. he did it last night. and I sent him off in the morning without saying anything I didnt want him to go to school upset.

I must say imasinger you hit the issue and solutions on the nail. you sound experienced!
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amother
Amber


 

Post Wed, Jun 21 2017, 10:08 am
imasinger thanks so much for all your advice. I will use the ideas you mentioned.

how should I approach him without him arguing with me about it. and try to not take blame.

I want him to acknowledge he did it. he actually apologized to the neighbor. so I know that he did it and he acknoleded it to her. I just want him to do the same to me. I want to be as gentle as possible.

how would you question him? please give me the right words. thanks imasinger. can you help with that?
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amother
Amber


 

Post Wed, Jun 21 2017, 10:11 am
crust wrote:
This is very normal behavior for a child with ADHD. Tell your husband 'men hut shoyn gehert azans'!!
I wish they come up with something to counteract the rebound effect.
Does he process consequences effectively?
If he is intuitive, then, A 'thinking day' at home is an idea. The question with such a child is always; By giving him an afternoon at home, who gets a bigger consequence here, mother or child?

If you have a talk with him, can it be productive? Like, he can come up with measures that need to be taken so this doesn't happen again.

Remember that these children are extra sensitive souls though thier impulsivity often taints that. He would never want to do it. Im almost sure he is broken about it.
What does he say?


crust I must correct you here. impusivity is something you need to learn about. he would not have done this if he wouldnt have this issue. which means he doesnt know how to control impulsivity yet. I will direct this issue with his therapist. and hopefully she will teach him the tools he needs.
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crust




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 21 2017, 10:17 am
amother wrote:
crust I must correct you here. impusivity is something you need to learn about. he would not have done this if he wouldnt have this issue. which means he doesnt know how to control impulsivity yet. I will direct this issue with his therapist. and hopefully she will teach him the tools he needs.


I didn't say he should not learn about it.
You asked if it's very out of line for an 8 year old with adhd to do this? I told you it's not.
And Aderabe. I think You are doing the right thing by redirecting this to his therapist. You are doing an amazing job!!
.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 21 2017, 10:20 am
I can offer some ideas. I am sure others here will have good ones, too. As always on the internet, use your own judgement as to whether they are right for you.

I can think of two reasons why you might want to have him tell you directly that he broke the window. One, because, as the person who will bear the brunt of the repair cost, he owes you an apology as well. And two, because you have not yet heard him say directly that he did this, and you want him to admit it directly to you.

Were either of those what is behind your desire? If so, which one takes precedence?

If it's the first one, you might want to just treat the matter as a given. "DS, I heard about/saw the broken car window. Your father and I will have to pay for it to be fixed, and I want to talk with you about what's fair. I'll tell you about some times when I did something wrong, and how I had to handle it. Everyone makes mistakes, but we can see real mentchlichkeit from how people handle the times that they mess up..."

If it's the second one, how about: "DS, is there something that got broken yesterday that you need to tell me about?"
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amother
Amber


 

Post Wed, Jun 21 2017, 11:48 am
ok I just called my therapist to ask her how to handle this. as I do think she might give me insight. and direct me as she knows him well enough by now.

thanks for your insight and advice.

I am trying to reallly understand the "rebound" issue here.

when you say rebound what exactly do you mean?

according to google it means that the symptoms that were not there are there now that the medication wore off.

did I get it right? so why adjust medication? if its helping him. which it clearly is. but as soon as hes off hes back to his old self. now I do notice hes impulsive. I dont know if hes more from wearoff of meds or because this is him.

hard to tell. anyway I cant tell the doctor of this. if the meds are helping him.

im not sure if im clear of what im asking. feel free to ask for more explanation.
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amother
Amber


 

Post Wed, Jun 21 2017, 11:56 am
imasinger in your first post you say he may be worse when the meds get out of the system. and that you say is "rebound". that is hard to know.

he was impulsive before he was on meds. how would I know if its the same or worse? im confused. in the morning before he takes meds its the worst. some days really good and some are a disaster.

I will definitely not let him play unsupervised from now on. for quite a while until he learns what he feels that make him behave this way. like mentioned earlier in the thread.

I think that is key here.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 21 2017, 12:09 pm
So I think it's important to remember that kids with ADHD, just like all kids, have days when they are more in control, and days when they are less so. All kids have better days and worse days. Grownups, too.

But when ADHD enters the picture, the lack of impulse control can take the bad days from headachey to horrific.

Medication is one tool that helps. Other things can help, too. Skill building therapy, exercise, checklists, and some swear by diet, essences, etc, though they never worked for us.

Here is a link to information about the rebound effect.

https://www.understood.org/en/.....-know
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amother
Amber


 

Post Wed, Jun 21 2017, 12:23 pm
imasiner thanks so much for your help! I will read up on this.
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