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Do we go or not?
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amother
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Post Thu, Jun 22 2017, 8:41 am
We found out that iy"H there will be a Vort of my nephew a 4-5 hr drive away on Sunday. We don't have anything on Sunday, but it is a considerable distance. I would totally do it , but my DH isn't super excited--and then there's the kids. I even have friends in this city that I'd love to visit, so I don't making "the day of it". The main reason I was told early was so that I could get my mother ready, she older and needs extra help. But a different sibling thinks that its not such a good idea for her to go. So do we not go? When a different nephew got engaged 1-2hrs away, I went myself. Now I'm torn. I know that they aren't "forcing us" to come, but I think it would be nice.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 22 2017, 8:47 am
amother wrote:
We found out that iy"H there will be a Vort of my nephew a 4-5 hr drive away on Sunday. We don't have anything on Sunday, but it is a considerable distance. I would totally do it , but my DH isn't super excited--and then there's the kids. I even have friends in this city that I'd love to visit, so I don't making "the day of it". The main reason I was told early was so that I could get my mother ready, she older and needs extra help. But a different sibling thinks that its not such a good idea for her to go. So do we not go? When a different nephew got engaged 1-2hrs away, I went myself. Now I'm torn. I know that they aren't "forcing us" to come, but I think it would be nice.


Mazel tov!
Let me focus on your mother. It sounds like she's local. Why shouldn't she go to her grandson's vort? Is there no one else who can help her? I think this should be the baal/baalas simcha's concern, and the different sibling should discuss it with the sib who's making the simcha.

If you are really the only person to help her, and she should go, I would be inclined to try to go.

I might be reading too much into this but it sounds like there are some issues here you kids are going to have to work on together re facing a parent who's entering the eldercare parsha. But that's another thread.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 22 2017, 8:50 am
BTW, I don't mean that the baal/baalas simcha is responsible to totally take care of the parent. Sometimes it means delegating. I mean, making sure it gets done. Like let's say the chasuna is an hour away. (I'm already jumping to the chasuna.) The baal simcha is responsible to make sure the parents get there. If a sibling offers or is available to drive, that's the plan.
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amother
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Post Thu, Jun 22 2017, 8:55 am
PinkFridge wrote:
Mazel tov!
Let me focus on your mother. It sounds like she's local. Why shouldn't she go to her grandson's vort? Is there no one else who can help her? I think this should be the baal/baalas simcha's concern, and the different sibling should discuss it with the sib who's making the simcha.

If you are really the only person to help her, and she should go, I would be inclined to try to go.

I might be reading too much into this but it sounds like there are some issues here you kids are going to have to work on together re facing a parent who's entering the eldercare parsha. But that's another thread.


The issue is that if she was going to go, she would have to go with the family to make sure that she's there on time for pictures. Also, if we were to go, the vehicle we'd take wouldn't be able to fit her and my family. My mother has issues staying "put together" and lately has been much more irritable. Yes, we are aware of her issues, and during the week she has someone to help her, but not on weekends, and what of spending 8-10 hours in a car plus the downtime while waiting for the simcha to start, and waiting for it to be over. getting home in the wee hours of the morning.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 22 2017, 8:57 am
amother wrote:
The issue is that if she was going to go, she would have to go with the family to make sure that she's there on time for pictures. Also, if we were to go, the vehicle we'd take wouldn't be able to fit her and my family. My mother has issues staying "put together" and lately has been much more irritable. Yes, we are aware of her issues, and during the week she has someone to help her, but not on weekends, and what of spending 8-10 hours in a car plus the downtime while waiting for the simcha to start, and waiting for it to be over. getting home in the wee hours of the morning.


So you are the only people who could possible do this? There's no other family that can be deputized for this?
How far is your mother from the vort? Close enough for you to drop off family first and then get her? Can your friend meet you at the vort? Not the get-together you planned but it'll give you some time together.
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amother
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Post Thu, Jun 22 2017, 9:03 am
PinkFridge wrote:
BTW, I don't mean that the baal/baalas simcha is responsible to totally take care of the parent. Sometimes it means delegating. I mean, making sure it gets done. Like let's say the chasuna is an hour away. (I'm already jumping to the chasuna.) The baal simcha is responsible to make sure the parents get there. If a sibling offers or is available to drive, that's the plan.


Initially that's what she did, she called me to ask me to get my mother ready-but then my sister didnt think it was a good idea for her to go at all.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 22 2017, 9:16 am
amother wrote:
Initially that's what she did, she called me to ask me to get my mother ready-but then my sister didnt think it was a good idea for her to go at all.


Same sister? Is she the sister who will deals with the day to day and will have to put up with your mother missing it? She may have her reasons that you'll have to respect.
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Notsobusy




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 22 2017, 9:17 am
Pinkfridge, I think you're misunderstanding the op. It sounds like their mother lives in the same city as op and would have to make the long trip with them.

Op, it's hard to say what the right thing to do is. Would your mother enjoy the vort, does she want to go? Is she still capable of making such a decision on her own? If yes, I would say to let her decide.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 22 2017, 9:23 am
Notsobusy wrote:
Pinkfridge, I think you're misunderstanding the op. It sounds like their mother lives in the same city as op and would have to make the long trip with them.

Op, it's hard to say what the right thing to do is. Would your mother enjoy the vort, does she want to go? Is she still capable of making such a decision on her own? If yes, I would say to let her decide.


You're right. Oops.
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SixOfWands




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 22 2017, 9:31 am
Mazel tov in advance to your nephew.

IMNSHO, 8 to 10 hours in a car in one day, with an irritable senior and a bunch of kids, is just plain old not a good idea. And while I know you went to a vort for another nephew who lives 1 to 2 hours away, that's a very different distance and undertaking.

If you really want to go, I'd consider going for Shabbat, if possible. That divides the drive, and gives you more time with your family and friend. Otherwise, express your disappointment and send your congratulations by phone.
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amother
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Post Thu, Jun 22 2017, 9:44 am
PinkFridge wrote:
So you are the only people who could possible do this? There's no other family that can be deputized for this?
How far is your mother from the vort? Close enough for you to drop off family first and then get her? Can your friend meet you at the vort? Not the get-together you planned but it'll give you some time together.


She lives with me. I'm planning on stopping by my friend to get ready after sitting in the car for 4-5 hours, but I don't even know "details" yet of where, just I know the times.
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amother
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Post Thu, Jun 22 2017, 9:48 am
So it's my brother's kid, and my sister lives too far away to consider going. I have one other sibling who would likely make the trip--but I don't even know who's "in the know" at this point. It's the kind of distance that's doable, but not close enough that EVERYONE would just drop everything for a Sunday.
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emzod42




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 22 2017, 10:32 am
If it's possible, childcare-wise, can you go yourself with your mother? That way you're only responsible for one person and you can represent your family.
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amother
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Post Thu, Jun 22 2017, 10:54 am
To some degree, I was kind of trying to make it into a day-trip with my family. I mean I know my husband is not enthusiastic about going, but I think he'd rather come with me than stay home all day by himself and the kids.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jun 22 2017, 1:29 pm
I have a much clearer picture, this sounds difficult for a one day thing.
A few questions:
Since your mother doesn't have an aide that day, can she be left alone that long?
Is it safe for you to take her? Is she, say a fall risk? It's not pashut for untrained people to do a lot of the physical care necessary.
This is a lot for one day. If breaking this up was possible I'd go for that, but I can definitely understand how it's not that easy.
Actually, it's good if your sibling is saying no so you won't be the heavy/there'll be a united front.

I'm not sure what to recommend but I understand the situation a bit more now.
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amother
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Post Thu, Jun 22 2017, 2:36 pm
PinkFridge wrote:
I have a much clearer picture, this sounds difficult for a one day thing.
A few questions:
Since your mother doesn't have an aide that day, can she be left alone that long?
Is it safe for you to take her? Is she, say a fall risk? It's not pashut for untrained people to do a lot of the physical care necessary.
This is a lot for one day. If breaking this up was possible I'd go for that, but I can definitely understand how it's not that easy.
Actually, it's good if your sibling is saying no so you won't be the heavy/there'll be a united front.

I'm not sure what to recommend but I understand the situation a bit more now.


She's not a fall risk, and its not a medical reason why not to take her but rather for her own comfort and "entertainment"--would she be bored traveling with lots of noise in the car, limited stops, so much in one day, with people who are stressed. I had the same question about leaving her if we'd be gone ALL day, we do have someone else who should be in the house at least part of the day but I dont' know her schedule. Its not the first time we've been gone like ALL day. Would she be happy knowing WHY we are gone.

The question then becomes--do we go stam--would you go to a nephew's vort if it means travelling 4-5 hours away, but its not like we have anything else that day, and the next day is camp, not school. The only thing potentially going on is my in-laws are moving far away at the end of the week and this would be the last Sunday to spend time with them for a while. But we could probably arrange something during the week. I know that no one is going to "expect" us to go, but WWYD?
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amother
Honeydew


 

Post Thu, Jun 22 2017, 3:09 pm
Drive 4-5 hrs. each way for a VORT? I totally wouldn't, not for a nephew and not even for my dgs who is the light of my existence. I'll save my energy for the wedding, TYVM.
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amother
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Post Fri, Jun 23 2017, 9:39 am
amother wrote:
Drive 4-5 hrs. each way for a VORT? I totally wouldn't, not for a nephew and not even for my dgs who is the light of my existence. I'll save my energy for the wedding, TYVM.


Granted if it were during the week, it would be out of the question, but on a summer sunday afternoon? would also visit friends in the area. We are fairly young for an aunt and uncle.
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Notsobusy




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 23 2017, 9:42 am
amother wrote:
Drive 4-5 hrs. each way for a VORT? I totally wouldn't, not for a nephew and not even for my dgs who is the light of my existence. I'll save my energy for the wedding, TYVM.


I would, if it was somebody I really cared about. Usually you have enough time between the vort and the wedding to get back to yourself.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jun 23 2017, 10:42 am
here's my opinion ... life is short ... live it

GO & enjoy the simcha !!!
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