The Yolie Roth wedding last week.

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amother

Burlywood

Wed, Jun 28 2017, 8:11 pm

youngishbear wrote:

I would guess the imamother members skew younger. I myself am not yet at the chasuna making stage. I know what I would like to do, but I can't know how my wishes will mold to reality. There are two families involved in a simcha, two spouses in each family, and often extended family members involve themselves as well, whether as mavens or sponsors depends on the luck of the draw.

I agree that by going too far, this wedding may have proven how impossible it is rather than the opposite. However, it did get us to talk about it and share our hopes for a more financially sane future.

Let's commit to be part of the solution, not the problem.

And the bride. And groom.

My brother was of the first to do a tekunas engagement and wedding / sheva bruchas. After that we all did tekunas. And proudly so, even though my sister had worked and saved up for years and could afford a very extravagant affair.

But we all did it willingly. You DO have to take the bride ang grooms wishes into account. What is more important to them, MORE cheaper clothing or less and more expensive ones. Less furniture? Fancier affair?
Expensive flowers? Or a nicer band? If the parents cant afford, they can pay for it themselves.
My 18 yo niece has been working part time for a year now after school to pay for her wedding iyh. My bil can barely affird tuition with 8 children, 7 in the yeshiva system.

From what I see irl, it usually isn't the bride and groom that want these fancy extravagant crazy weddings and stuff.
Most brides are ok w a more toned down wedding in an average hall.
I didn't need that crazy expensive custom gown (I looked nice but would have been happy in a dress a fraction of that price), nor the professional makeup artist that made me look like a clown (HATE how my face looked). Or that $1,200 "sheil feeren" custom winter suit that was cut wrong and extremely uncomfortable. It was primarily my mother who wanted it. Or according to her, it was "needed".

amother

Amber

Wed, Jun 28 2017, 8:32 pm

I heard from Yoeli Roth that he thinks doing it to other couples is abusive. This couple was raised in his school and yeshiva and they were taught all along how petty and materialistic most wedding expenses are.
They WANTED it. You can't expect any bit and girl to do this, with pride.

cnc

Wed, Jun 28 2017, 9:00 pm

amother wrote:

True.
He was speaking to "his people" - not the general public.

amother

Babypink

Wed, Jun 28 2017, 9:04 pm

cnc wrote:

Lol.
I went back twice to see where I wrote "given" but I don't see it anywhere. Before I got married I purchased tights.

Zehavas post mentions giving the couple socks and linens.

amother

Amber

Wed, Jun 28 2017, 9:04 pm

cnc wrote:

True.
He was speaking to "his people" - not the general public.

And he's not trying to make anyone do it. He's not trying to change a system. He works only within his quarters.
And at the end of the day, we lose. Wink

amother

Amber

Wed, Jun 28 2017, 9:06 pm

amother wrote:

Zehavas post mentions giving the couple socks and linens.

They are wearing socks for the last 6 months weren't they? They can take them along to their new home.
I am sure they were given 2 sets of linen. I am not sure it was silk, 360 count, or damask linen. $100 dollar sets are fine.

amother

Magenta

Wed, Jun 28 2017, 9:15 pm

Well, talking about cutting expenses and making simpler affairs. My sons bar mitzva is coming up and I want to make it simple but since me and dh both have 10 sibilings, most married, it is so expensive to make the seuda and have it catered just for family!!!

I dont want to be stressed about the finances so I want to invite his friends, and thegrandparents. Why invite his cousins/my sibilings and dhs sibilings when we are not close and they live far away?? It is so expensive just for family!!

My sis in law said she catered her sons bar mitzva and invited everyone in the family and friends.....well, she makes less than me I would like to know how she can afford it, bc why shoukd I be criticized if im trying to make the simcha within our means???

On one hand, we should invite sibilings but on the other hand, it is most important for my sons friends to be there for him and inviting everyone is too expensive!!!

Im glad this weddding was made within budget and wouldnt have mimded if my wedding was like this!!! As long as there is air conditioning, im okay!!! I would love to do this for my kids in the future, but the problem is what if the mechutanim dont want this???
I just dont understand how ppl. Afford schas when have a lot of sibilings???

MagentaYenta

Wed, Jun 28 2017, 9:17 pm

amother wrote:

Can I see photos of them?

Sure post your home address here and I'll gladly mail them to you Rolling Eyes

amother

Amber

Wed, Jun 28 2017, 9:34 pm

MagentaYenta wrote:

Sure post your home address here and I'll gladly mail them to you Rolling Eyes

lol from your response. You must be fun in real life! By the way there's nothing about my home address that I'd be afraid of posting except for outing myself. You can't steal poverty. LOL

Ok I really am not so interested in actual photos. I just want to get a feeling of how an oot wedding looks like. Can you give me more details? Thanks.

MagentaYenta

Wed, Jun 28 2017, 10:04 pm

amother wrote:

lol from your response. You must be fun in real life! By the way there's nothing about my home address that I'd be afraid of posting except for outing myself. You can't steal poverty. LOL

Ok I really am not so interested in actual photos. I just want to get a feeling of how an oot wedding looks like. Can you give me more details? Thanks.

A few hundred people in a schul hall. Table linens provided by the hall, natural regional centerpieces (seasonal flowers or greens). Plastic plates.The usual kids hopped up on sugar running out of control. Creative mechitza. DJ from the community. Food and catering from the schul (in areas with very small frum communities this can be your only choice). Happy smiling people.

amother

Burgundy

Wed, Jun 28 2017, 11:39 pm

amother wrote:

The weird thing about this threads is that almost all of the People responding seem to favor these ultra simple affairs. You would think based on these responses that most of our affairs are like the one described here. Obviously the opposite is true.

My belief system is different than my husband's, and for the sake of Shalom we do bigger affairs than I would like.
So on the outside, it looks like we prefer big affairs. Really, though, it's just for peace, and we make do with less of other things.

amother

Amber

Wed, Jun 28 2017, 11:44 pm

MagentaYenta wrote:

so so warm! I'd love that!
May I ask what the cost of such a wedding is?

amother

Pearl

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 4:07 am

cnc, what is a kallah coat?

amother

Pearl

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 4:18 am

asmileaday wrote:

There's always whatsapp clips going around of his schmoozes with his bucherim. I wish every yeshiva would talk to the boys like this.
He's a voice of reason in the unrealistic bubble our chassidish system tries to raise our boys in.

I agree, he has a wonderful warm way of capturing the bochurims' hearts.
Ha also composes beautiful hearfelt songs, and sings them with the bochurim. Some of the bochurim accompany the songs with guitars and other musical instruments.
The songs are mainly geared to emunah/bitachon in Hashem, but not of lofty unrealistic lyrics. The lyrics are simple, easy to understand and yet so uplifting.
I've heard a lot of his songs in Yiddish. Anyone know if they've been translated into English? Or if he sings in English.
R' Yoeli Roth is a Breslover Mashpia, he alone was a talmid of a Rav in Breslov - Maharam Shick zt'l, who lived in in Yavniel.

Health is a Virture

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 5:16 am

look, in the back of my mind I hoped we would make a bar mitv a in my house...uh, once my son was 12, I realized that a)my son would never go for that and b) I loved my son too much to allow him to have such a lame bar mitzvah. I tell my kids now "don't worry, I'll cook all the food for your weddings.....we'll have it at a nearby shul or on our porch,".....

but, we can talk all we want....bottom line, we are not the only ones making the wedding. we plan to tell our kids "here, this is the amount of money we can give you at this. use it towards your wedding, a downpayment on an apt, or use it to support husband in kollel. and allow them to make the decision. (I live in Israrel)

amother

Copper

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 9:19 am

amother wrote:

The difference between the Monroe takunos and him is that weddings with takunoss still cost 45k and he made it for less than 7k!!!
Im talking everything included.

How do weddings with takonos cost 45k?
A Bais Faiga wedding costs 10k, with the kallah's side paying about 2/3 and the chosson's 1/3.
Forget doing away with gifts for a minute. Gifts have become so ingrained that to do away with them totally could lead to resentment, even between nice people. But you can get creative.
I know a jeweler who does a rings/bracelet/pearls package for 2500 (this was a few years ago). A kallah who doesn't like pearls can tell her future mother-in-law to please not give her pearls.
You can give the kids say, 3 K, and say use this for furniture and if you come in under budget, enjoy.
You can buy one good $1500 sheitel and give money towards a second, or go to consignment store.
You can buy a chosson a watch for under $500. A lot of chasanim already have a shas and will gratefully take a gift certificate for some sefarim (for a lot less). Sometimes instead of the watch.
A kallah does NOT have to get the most expensive leather-bound machzorim. One of our kallas asked for an Artscroll Interlinear set. Sets go on sale frequently.
A big expense is the staging, the gowns and the hair and makeup. Even though b"H we went to true gemachs alterations still add up. But there were so many things that everyone does that we weren't doing, that we didn't skip this.
Invitations and postage add up to. I'm sure those can be streamlined but probably not done away with totally.

Still nowhere near 45K.

PinkFridge

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 9:26 am

amother wrote:

I really feel for you. I don't know what I would have done had we lived closer to family. I do know that the mini-chasunas bar mitzvahs have become are getting out of hand. The bar mitzvah boy is treated and photographed like a choson, people feel like they have to get hair and makeup done...it's a bit crazy, and worst, the kid's friends aren't often allowed to come.

But it sounds like you're talking about a lower-key simcha but it still adds up. Are you talking bo bayom seuda and a Shabbos? How close are they? Will everyone come to both? Can you keep the bo bayom to family and your son's class and rebbeim, then invite eveyrone else to a kiddush? And if you do cater yourself, do hire waitstaff! Really important.

Easy for me to say but I think you should still invite your siblings and their kids. And if there are any other relatives you're close to, them too. It gets a bit dicey because I'm close to some first cousins and not others so while I invite all my first cousins, I don't always include their kids. You may have to draw lines. But your immediate families, it's probably not pashut.
Believe it or not, they may not come. Or maybe just the parents without kids. If they are at all apologetic about that you will be able to reassure them that you don't feel bad, you understand. (And then privately sigh with relief.) I would have loved to have had more relatives come to our simchos but with the traveling it just didn't happen.

I know of a family that's really large and they have an age-based agreement when it comes to simchos, e.g. only cousins over 15, that kind of thing. You may have to powwow before the chasunas start.

amother

Mauve

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 9:33 am

Health is a Virture wrote:

A relative of mine did 2 bar mitzvas in her house in recent years.
a. she invited only men
b. the yeshiva has a rule no friends to bar mitzva ; they have some kind of celebration during the day in yeshiva
c. she cooked all the food
d. it wasnt lame ; it was warm

amother

Rose

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 9:43 am

amother wrote:

I just googled his name and im seeing people say hes a cult leader telling children not to listen to their parents. is this the same person we are talking about? google yoely roth and see what im talking about. I want to make sure were talking about the same person.

Yes that's him, and that's what he did to my brother, my brother needed therapy in order to start being an normal independent thinking person again. Before he was brain washed not to listen to my parents and to him. He basically ruled his life. Today it's basically a yeshiva for throw out boys

dancingqueen

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 9:55 am

In chassidish circles do engaged couples not make wedding registries? Or get wedding gifts? Why does everything have to come from the parents?

I'm always amazed by the list of required wedding gifts from parents in these circles, it seems so over the top for two 18 year olds.

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