Mad at Kallah - attend wedding or not?

amother

Aubergine

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 4:08 pm

amother wrote:

Miri, I love your response.

I also do, took the words right out of my mouth. Many BT's go through this holier than thou stage, it will pass.
Why have you changed your mind? You told her you were coming and made flight arrangements. Did something happen?

Miri7

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 4:14 pm

amother wrote:

Miri, I love your response.

Thanks, I hope it was helpful.

A wedding is a huge deal and people remember who was there and who was not. I think that a lot of people go to weddings for that reason even though their friend/relative is being crazy for a little while. You have to love people through their "crazy" spells.

(No offense meant here to sufferers of mental illness - I just mean "crazy" in terms of times when someone is healthy but just not acting like themselves and may do things they regret later. We all have our phases.)

amother

Azure

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 4:46 pm

The main point basically is that she really hurt me deeply. And I am a super honest person and cannot really hide my feelings. I am aware that this may just be a phase and she may just be all excited by the thrill of fulltime learning and getting engaged and married and all. It may just be her awkward way of dealing with stress.

But still, I am hurt and I cannot deny it. Thats what makes it so hard. Also, in the past, we have turned to each other a lot for support and help. I was her mentor in shidduch and hashkafa questions. This also has completely stopped now because she does not deem my knowledge up to par because I cannot come up with the adequate gemara to her question. Sad

thats okay because really I am no rav and just a normal jewish wife and woman but still... And as I said, she even disrespects most rabbonim at the moment.

It is just sad how it turned out.

MiracleMama

Thu, Jun 29 2017, 5:28 pm

amother wrote:

OP here.
Nothing to do with being a Bt. I am a BT, too and so is my husband. I know plenty of BT and attended a BT sem. Hardly anyone turned out snotty and mean like her after attending a sem and getting married. I would have lost all my friends if that was the case. Lol.

She just thinks she is so smart and gds gift to the jewish world. And lets everyone feel that. After nine months of learning. Sigh.

This is the second time you've expressed this. As if she controls your feelings and not you.

She acts how she acts, but YOU control how you react and feel about it.

Bottom line for me would be:
1. Is there a chance in the future your friendship will be in a better place and you will regret not going?
2. Will you have fun at the wedding, seeing all your mutual friends, regardless of feeling hurt by the kallah?

If the answer is yes, for sure go.

If the answer is no, skip it.

amother

Brown

Fri, Jun 30 2017, 5:49 pm

Oy, OP, I could have written your post. There are so many similarities to a kallah-to-be that I know that I'm half wondering if it's the same woman (the only difference being she hasn't hurt me or invited me to the wedding, but we're not close).

I would say you've booked the tickets and gotten the time off, so if you're really on the fence, stop by briefly, put in an appearance and wish her well. If you then don't feel like staying, go do something else fun and enjoy the trip! She might be a little less than wonderful right now, but you can still be gracious and take the high road.

amother

Azure

Tue, Jul 04 2017, 9:47 am

OP here. Thanks for the replies. I will go there, even though I am not too enthused. It is an 10 hour trip for me each way and my expenses will rise even higher (have to rent a hotel room, taxi costs etc.).
But I talked to another girl who knows her well. She has also been hurt by her in the past and she said she insulted so many other people and places in the past so that she actually is not allowed to enter certain shuls anymore....
Supposedly the Kallah is a little bit autistic (though I am not sure, I have highly functioning Aspergers in my family and friends, too, and they are all very careful never to insult people). That kallah has a very high self esteem paired with utter insensitivity and bluntness towards people. Well, she is 22. Maybe it will change?

amother

Azure

Sun, Jul 09 2017, 3:46 pm

Thanks all, I ended up going. Actually happy, I did. The wedding was TINY (maybe 50 people, maybe less) and she seemed genuinely thrilled to see me there.

greenfire

Sun, Jul 09 2017, 5:01 pm

glad to hear & mazel tov & now you will live without regrets

I would have told you to go for that reason alone ... but what people said above makes sense - she is new to BT world and excited with her newfound knowledge and needs outlets to use them ... she will settle soon enough & hopefully you are able to accept her with her good/bad/indifferent as the same person you were friends with before

PinkFridge

Sun, Jul 09 2017, 6:25 pm

Thanks for the update!
One of the most wonderful sensations is being in the right place at the right time, whether through obvious hashgacha or our bechira. Well done!