Taking DS to the womens bathroom

saw50st8

Wed, Jul 26 2017, 9:00 am

If my son is too immature to know how to behave in the bathroom, he should not be going to a public bathroom alone. If I am the only parent available, he would come with me. Even if your discomfort is extreme, I'm still not willing to have my son in a potentially dangerous situation. I wouldn't trust Palisades Mall bathrooms either!

33055

Wed, Jul 26 2017, 9:32 am

saw50st8 wrote:

At what age would you stop taking him? Would you still do this past bar mitzvah?

You should talk over this with a therapist and a rabbi. You should ask his teachers about Your perception of his immaturity before doing this.
Your attitude is going to result in a strange boy. I normally don't interfere with how someone parents, but it is bizarre to take a boy who is starting his physical and psychological changes to the ladies room. If you don't care about the feelings of others, then consider the damage you are doing to your tween. Go to a family bathroom in meanwhile.

amother

Babypink

Wed, Jul 26 2017, 9:49 am

Squishy wrote:

FTR, there's a family restroom in Nordstrom at Palisades Mall. I want to say its on the 3rd floor, but I'm not positive. On the 2nd floor, there is, or at least used to be, a lounge with comfortable couches in front of the ladies' room (with a separate door from lounge to toilets, so its not the same room), and there are always women nursing there. Or there used to be; its been a while. And since its only women, not everyone is particularly well-covered.

The chances of anyone being molested in a busy restroom are pretty darned low. If Mom is outside the door, and the kid screams, she's rushing in. And if he doesn't scream, there are people in and out constantly in places like Palisades Mall, and even the Port Authority. Molestation is unlikely under those circumstances, particularly if you tell your kid to use a stall. Molesters like isolation, not places where someone is more likely than not to see them.

At the very least, take your kid inside the stall with you when you pee. Because if he's too old to see you pee, he's sure too old to be lurking outside the stalls while I pee.

Anon for geographic identifiability.

33055

Wed, Jul 26 2017, 9:54 am

amother wrote:

Great post and great point about nursing mothers.

saw50st8

Wed, Jul 26 2017, 10:20 am

Squishy wrote:

My oldest is 9, and we rarely have a situation where he would have to go to the bathroom alone, so I'm not worried about long term repercussions. I try to go to family bathrooms where possible of course, but if the choice is alone or with me, I'm choosing with me.

I don't need a Rabbi or therapist for that shock

I find your extreme reaction to a kid in the bathroom more likely needing a therapist! Of course I care about the feelings of others, but I prioritize my kids safety over the feelings of others, and I hope you would too!

https://www.usnews.com/news/be.....hroom

An isolated incident? Maybe, but I would rather avoid having my child have to fight off a molester!

33055

Wed, Jul 26 2017, 11:10 am

saw50st8 wrote:

The 11 year old fought him off, and the man was mentally impaired. Obviously the mother was not outside the bathroom waiting for her children.

I know what my rabbi would say about you, so I asked a friend of mine who holds a PHD in psychology and teaches at a major university plus has a thriving private practice. It should go without saying that she publishes regularly. I will report back.

I am not having an extreme reaction to a kid using a bathroom. That is a ridiculous statement. You want to bring a boy who may be in pubity, but is defiantly approaching pubity, into the ladies room. You give no thought to the comfort of others, nor are you considering your son's development.

You didn't answer what age you would stop inflicting your son on ladies toileting and nursing.

Aylat

Wed, Jul 26 2017, 11:10 am

DrMom, I agree with your posts in this thread. I see no issue with a 7 or 8 yr old going to the mens' bathroom. From 5 or 6 I let my boys choose where to go and by the time they are 8 they are fine to go by themselves. I wait outside for them at that age and if they take a while I call to them.

To me the fear of molestors is 'first worst' thinking. There are probably more fatal car crashes than molestations in public bathrooms. Yet we drive, with care and wearing seatbelts. Similarly kids should grow up developing age apropriate skills (like going to public bathrooms on their own).

SixOfWands

Wed, Jul 26 2017, 11:17 am

saw50st8 wrote:

So I take it that you don't allow your children to play any sports, or that you stay with them at every practice. Because a lot more kids get molested on sports teams than do in restrooms.

And that you keep them with you at shul at all times. Because kids have been molested at shul.

And that you homeschool. Because kids have been molested in schools. And parks. And at friends' homes. And everywhere else.

What makes a public restroom different?

amother

Pearl

Wed, Jul 26 2017, 11:23 am

I had to drive with my kids cross country. 6, 7 yr old boys 9 yr old girl. The rest rooms by the I80 are not a place I would leave my kids unattended.
Everone would go into their own stalls and lock. No oje came out until I was done. We washed and left. I would do that even if my boys were 10.
No one hung around. No one lurked. No one stared. Everyone was safe. If you were uncomfortable im sorry.

33055

Wed, Jul 26 2017, 12:09 pm

causemommysaid wrote:

There have been lots of stories of molestation in public restrooms. My kid is not going in alone. I don't give a $#&% if that bothers you. My kid my decision. Depending on the child until what age we do that but it will probably be closer to 10-11.

Lovely lady!

Of course you don't $#&%ing care about others; it shows.

At least some of the other posters bringing tween boys into ladies rooms acknowledge that women legitimate have objections.

If 11 is ok, then what age is not? Is Bar Mitzvah boys okt bring in?

SixOfWands

Wed, Jul 26 2017, 12:33 pm

So, you walk into the ladies' room. By the sinks, you see a boy hanging out. He's walking back and forth, really just hanging.

So is your immediate reaction "oh, of course, his mommy must be somewhere, and she doesn't want her son alone while she uses the restroom!"

Does your feeling change when he's 13?

At what point do you think "what on earth is he doing here," instead of "must be with mommy"?

amother

Orange

Wed, Jul 26 2017, 12:38 pm

Squishy wrote:

Totally agree regarding the egocentrism of a person who without a single logical reason stomps on the normal feelings and expectations of others.

Frankly - without opening up the can of worm of anti-Semitism - it's this kind of behavior which gives Orthodox Jews a bad name in the secular world as people who are pushy and lacking any kind of respect for the feelings of others. I have been in many public bathrooms in my life and I have NEVER EVER seen an 11 year old secular boy in the woman's room. Thankfully I have never seen ANY 11 year old boy in the public bathroom. If I saw ANY tween boy in my public bathroom, I would be extremely upset.

If your 11 year old BOY is so developmentally disabled, that he is unable to function safely in a public space for a minute with safeguards like someone standing outside, then perhaps you should not bring him to public areas since you are foisting your OWN right to make other people uncomfortable for no reason and placing your own neurotic selfish needs over those of others.

Extrapolating, this kind of me first/d*amn any other people gives frum Jews a bad name. Obviously most women (or Frum Jews in other circumstances) are considerate of feelings of others but since the sight of a tween boy in the lady's room is so bizarre (using the word deliberately) that those being forced to cohabit in what should be a s*ex separate space would go away offended and many would assume that it is just another example of frum Jews thinking the world revolves around them and they don't have to follow normal social etiquette.

yOungM0mmy

Wed, Jul 26 2017, 12:47 pm

amother wrote:

Frankly - without opening up the can of worm of anti-Semitism - it's this kind of behavior which gives Orthodox Jews a bad name in the secular world as people who are pushy and lacking any kind of respect for the feelings of others.

Extrapolating, this kind of me first/d*amn any other people gives frum Jews a bad name.

Totally not true, funnily enough, see this thread from yesterday on a facebook moms group I'm on, not a frum group at all (I didnt comment on this one).

https://m.facebook.com/groups/.....53277

amother

Lawngreen

Wed, Jul 26 2017, 12:56 pm

amother wrote:

This. If you're so worried about the safety of your tween son bring him in the stall with you instead of having him stand out in the public space of the ladies room. Inconvenience yourself not all the other women.