how do you learn to let go

amother

Ivory

Wed, Jul 26 2017, 6:13 pm

So you've tried to do your best but as time had passed you have learned new skills and you know that your best really wasn't good enough but it is what it is.

Now the kids are older and they will do what they will do and you cannot control them, not should you ever, but it is so hard to see them making mistakes. It's painful for ME, although necessary for them, to step back and let them bumble their way through life.

How do you learn to let go? How do you deal with the pain of watching your teenager make mistakes? BH they are pretty small mistakes at this point (not finishing tasks, being late, not taking advantage of opportunities, not responding to a friend in such a good way etc) but I am just so pained by it.

I know they have to carve out their own existence, and learn from their own experiences.

Any ideas?

allthingsblue

Wed, Jul 26 2017, 6:55 pm

The fact that you're asking this is HUGE. I'm so happy for yor children that they have a wise mother who knows her true job and her limits.

I can't give you advice because I'm barely out of teenagehood myself Wink

but I just want to commend you. Hatzlocha!

MagentaYenta

Wed, Jul 26 2017, 6:59 pm

amother wrote:

I don't understand what you are trying to say in your first sentence.

I found that watching them build independence from being a toddler up to the teens was good preparation for me. I know other parents who are heavily involved in the lives of their adult children. Some with the nodding approval of these adults and other times with resentment from them. Everyones mileage varies.

amother

Ivory

Wed, Jul 26 2017, 7:38 pm

MagentaYenta wrote:

Well I guess what I'm trying to say is that one of my many mistakes was not letting them make enough mistakes when they were younger, but as I can't change the past I'm trying to work on it now.

MagentaYenta

Wed, Jul 26 2017, 7:46 pm

amother wrote:

Well I guess what I'm trying to say is that one of my many mistakes was not letting them make enough mistakes when they were younger, but as I can't change the past I'm trying to work on it now.

Parenting is a learning experience. We make mistakes, we get over them.

amother

Ivory

Wed, Jul 26 2017, 9:07 pm

amother wrote:

I remind myself each day that I was once their age, and I remember what that was like. And that helps me hold space for their own experiences.

Me too- except it has the wrong effect. Wants me to jump in and save them.

MagentaYenta I guess you're right, bit it's hard for me.

(btw thanks for the (probably undeserved compliment allthingsblue)

FranticFrummie

Wed, Jul 26 2017, 9:33 pm

Oh can I ever relate to this!

The first step, is to forgive yourself. With the information you had at the time, you did the very best you could. Everyone makes mistakes with their kids. EVERYONE. Some are too permissive, some are too strict, in the wrong place at the wrong time. Forgiving yourself will make you a much better parent.

When your kids are little, you really do have to be a helicopter. Slowly, eventually, that changes though. You have to learn how to be a safety net. Let them explore their world and try new things and ideas, but at the same time let them know that you will be there to catch them if they fall. (That doesn't mean rescue them from natural consequences, it means being there for them emotionally.)

If you feel like you messed up with your kids when you were younger, apologise for whatever it was, learn from it, and move forward.

Tell your kids how much you believe in them, and praise them when they show good middos. When they make mistakes, don't hold it over them. Just tell them that they learned a lesson from the natural consequences, and ask them to brainstorm with you for ways to avoid the mistake in the future (set the alarm 15 minutes earlier, etc.)

Most importantly, think like this. "If I were the teenage child, how would I like to be treated by an adult?"

MagentaYenta

Wed, Jul 26 2017, 9:39 pm

amother wrote:

I remind myself each day that I was once their age, and I remember what that was like. And that helps me hold space for their own experiences.

My mother was lacking in parental skills. Whenever I found myself sounding like her I'd stop and rethink my own behavior.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Jul 26 2017, 9:50 pm

MagentaYenta wrote:

My mother was lacking in parental skills. Whenever I found myself sounding like her I'd stop and rethink my own behavior.

Yep. If you are self-aware, you don't make the same mistakes your parents did.

You come up with your own new and unique mistakes to make! Wink

amother

Maroon

Thu, Jul 27 2017, 2:21 am

I think back to when I was their age and remember all the really stupid things I did. And somehow got thru them.
So now it's their turn. Andthey will get thru their mistakes as well.
Keep busy so you don't have too much thinking time.

Chayalle

Thu, Jul 27 2017, 7:35 am

amother wrote:

This.

And I remind myself that my teens have their own life to live. I can't live it for them. And they are human beings - as imperfect as I am (but lovable just the same).