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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
Leaving children alone
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amother
Beige


 

Post Thu, Jul 27 2017, 7:44 am
We live in a very residential area that's pretty quiet. My 9 year old is allowed to walk home from the bus stop by herself. It's one block away and she crosses the street directly in front of our house. At the beginning of the school year I would wait for her and tell her when it was safe to cross, then I let her decide for herself while I watched, and now I just leave it to her.

I don't let her play outside by herself yet, but I'll let her run outside and pick a snack from our vegetable garden. She's the type who would climb a tree and jump down fearlessly so I need to supervise for safety.

She's allowed to go down the block to one friend by herself or around the corner to another friend on a weekday when I text the moms that she's coming and they text me that she got there safely. She has other friends that she's not allowed to walk to by herself because there's a busier street on the way.

School is too far away to walk and she's not a proficient bike rider yet so I don't have to worry about her biking around the neighborhood at this point.

ETA: I've never left her alone in the house other than when I was still on our property, like to grab something from the car. DH has left her in the house while he mows the lawn or putters in the garden.
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amother
Ruby


 

Post Thu, Jul 27 2017, 8:26 am
My son is almost seven. I leave him alone for 20 minutes during the day and we talk on the phone many times the whole time. He knows not to open the door to strangers. He plays outside alone but I keep checking up on him. There are usually other children outside too. I let him play outside from age 5 and would check on him every minute or two. Now we agreed to certain backyards he is allowed to go to. We always talk about stranger danger.
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marina




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 27 2017, 9:10 am
amother wrote:
I don't live in Israel or NY. I let my 6 year old go till both ends of my block alone. At 7 I allow crossing small streets and walking to school a few blocks away.
By 9 my kids roam the neighborhood on their bikes. Not crossing any big streets.
By 12 they can start exploring the city.


This was pretty much my standard too. We live in a safe neighborhood and my youngest is almost 12 and, for a while now, she comes and goes as she pleases, back by nightfall.

Crossing a 4 way street on her own is very recent- I allow that about 11 or so.

My 13 year old once called me motzei shabbos to come pick her up from a friend three streets over. I laughed and said um don't call me about this again.


Last edited by marina on Thu, Jul 27 2017, 9:16 am; edited 3 times in total
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marina




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 27 2017, 9:12 am
Also peeps, I know you won't do this, but at least think about researching the statistics.

Kids are often safer playing in their backyard alone than driving with a parent anywhere. More car accidents than stranger child abductions, probably by a factor of a million or so Smile

^^^ not legal advice
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juggling




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 27 2017, 9:19 am
marina wrote:
Also peeps, I know you won't do this, but at least think about researching the statistics.

Kids are often safer playing in their backyard alone than driving with a parent anywhere. More car accidents than stranger child abductions, probably by a factor of a million or so Smile

^^^ not legal advice


Right, so the poster who said that Israelis have a false sense of safety... I don't think that's it, at all. There are cultural (and legal) standards of what's considered "responsible" parenting, and they vary by location. It isn't that israel is "safer" than America, or that Israelis are more naive. It's about acceptable cultural norms.

There are risks to giving your kids freedom. There are also benefits. Most of us don't do an honest risk-benefit assessment. We just do what everyone around us considers "responsible."
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 27 2017, 9:25 am
ITA with Marina's point. I know, I know. It's bad enough that I just follow SixOfWands around, agreeing with every single thing she says. Now I'm doing the same with Marina. LOL

My kids are more in the age range of wanting to drive overnight to NY than cross the street, and boy, "kleiner kinder, kleiner tzures . . . "

However, it's important not to let our 24/7 news cycle be the sole determinant in our parenting choices. It's worthwhile to actually look at statistics for various types of bad outcomes because what scares us and what should scare us are not always the same.
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Laiya




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 27 2017, 9:57 am
pnina wrote:
I think the answer depends on the maturity of the kid as well. Not all children are as responsible at the same age. Also your confidence in them would matter a lot as well, if they feel your trust.


This.

Before allowing a child to explore the neighborhood alone, I want to know that he's able to (1) find and ask someone for help, and (2) recognize signs of danger.

I also think that as women, we intuitively sense dangerous situations and don't put ourselves into compromising positions. So I would try to have these conversations with dc when we're out.

I was very influenced by the book Protecting the Gift, by Gavin de Becker.
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dancingqueen




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 27 2017, 10:00 am
Kidnapping is not the only bad thing that can happen to a 6 year old walking all alone. Though kidnapping remains terrifying of course (see: new movie with Halle Berry called Kidnap). I don't know, I can't wrap my head around sending a 6 year old to the playground alone or sending them to walk 10 minutes alone to school.

I am finding this thread interesting to compare to the other thread where parents are insisting that 9-11 year old boys can't use public restrooms alone even if mom waits right outside.
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Maya




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 27 2017, 10:38 am
dancingqueen wrote:


I am finding this thread interesting to compare to the other thread where parents are insisting that 9-11 year old boys can't use public restrooms alone even if mom waits right outside.

At least I'm consistent with my crazy Smile
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mha3484




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 27 2017, 10:50 am
My mother let me stay home for short periods of time during the day at 10 years old, I came home myself some days from school around 13 and started babysitting sometime between 12-14 (its a little fuzzy). Assuming my child is mature and responsible I would probably do the same.
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rzab




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 27 2017, 11:07 am
dancingqueen wrote:
Why do parents in Israel feel so much safer letting 6 year olds play outside and even walk to school alone? That would be negligent where I'm from.


It's a completely different culture here. My kids are much more independent since we moved to israel. We often talk about the things they are allowed to do here that they would not be able to do had we stayed in chutz l'aretz.
I don't think it's negligence. I think there are so many factors in play. Including the neighborhood and the maturity of the child.
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amother
Seashell


 

Post Thu, Jul 27 2017, 12:55 pm
I was responsible for walking 4 younger kids to and from school when I was 10 years old. But I don't know if times have changed or if I was just a responsible kid. We did not live in EY but in a Jewish community in NY (not Brooklyn).
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amother
Orchid


 

Post Thu, Jul 27 2017, 2:40 pm
I live in Israel. I let my very responsible 6 year old DD walk to friends that are a 2 minute walk away, without crossing streets.

If she wants to play in the park right near my house, I let her go if there are other mothers in the park and I usually give her my cell phone.

My older kids were allowed to play outside, close to our building from age 8.
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Aylat




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 27 2017, 3:30 pm
Another Israeli mother Wink I live on a small yishuv with very light vehicle traffic and know almost everyone by sight. Though of course that doesn't minimise the need for safety education - in some ways it's more difficult because my children don't regularly practise crossing busy roads etc.

My 8 yo and up all go where they want on the yishuv (keeping me informed of their movements). 10 yo and up is also okay after dark. 6 yo goes out with any of the older kids. 3 yo with 6 yo if in the area round our house (visible from windows) and with 11 yo further away. Btw my 11yo (very mature and responsible) daughter already gets requests to babysit and has done so several times. She also babysits her younger siblings when needed.

This is all 1) totally normal in this culture and, more importantly, 2) a result of mine and DH's safety assessment of our individual kids and the situation 'on the ground'.

We've had threads like this before - I'm sure a lot of people will disagree and be shocked. See previous paragraph.
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Aylat




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 27 2017, 3:31 pm
rzab wrote:
It's a completely different culture here. My kids are much more independent since we moved to israel. We often talk about the things they are allowed to do here that they would not be able to do had we stayed in chutz l'aretz.
I don't think it's negligence. I think there are so many factors in play. Including the neighborhood and the maturity of the child.


Really agree with this.
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SixOfWands




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 27 2017, 4:16 pm
marina wrote:
This was pretty much my standard too. We live in a safe neighborhood and my youngest is almost 12 and, for a while now, she comes and goes as she pleases, back by nightfall.

Crossing a 4 way street on her own is very recent- I allow that about 11 or so.

My 13 year old once called me motzei shabbos to come pick her up from a friend three streets over. I laughed and said um don't call me about this again.


I'm a lot more of a helicopter parent than you are, but I also live in a different place.

I thought my mother was unreasonable when we were kids. I remember that when I was 11 or so, I was at a friend's house, and we walked around the corner (with her mom's knowledge) to see another friend, and my mother was furious. But by age 6, we were outside with little supervision (we would stand at the curb waiting for someone to "cross" us to get to friends' houses), and my older brother and I walked to school together when I was 8 and he was 10 ... and trust me, he pretty much ignored me. Different times.

We started slow in terms of being out alone. First walking to friends who live nearby, with no major intersections, and the other mom confirming arrival. Then the nearby park, with friends, on Shabbat afternoon, with us checking up occasionally. And eventually, more freedom, as they can handle it. But I still like to know where even my oldest (20) will be, and we argue regularly about the teens forgetting to tell me if they're staying over at a friend's place.

But I worry. I worry about muggings, which do occur. I worry about accidents. When my younger son was about 12, he was at baseball practice, and one of his friends was hit in the head by a bat. The boy's parents didn't answer their phones, and the coach said he had to be somewhere, and left. (The conclusion was that my son should bring the kid home to me. Gee, thanks.) They need to know what to do.
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Thu, Jul 27 2017, 6:12 pm
DH is a smoker. Do you ladies think it is appropriate for him to stand outside of the (closed) window of our ground floor apartment and smoke while DC is sleeping if I am not home? If so for how long?
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MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 27 2017, 6:27 pm
amother wrote:
DH is a smoker. Do you ladies think it is appropriate for him to stand outside of the (closed) window of our ground floor apartment and smoke while DC is sleeping if I am not home? If so for how long?


Children of nicotine addicts are likely to become addicted to the same substance as teens. I think your real concern is how smoking is going to impact your child in the long run. And for goodness sakes learn a bit about the impact of 3rd hand smoke and your baby.
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amother
Ecru


 

Post Thu, Jul 27 2017, 7:08 pm
amother wrote:
DH is a smoker. Do you ladies think it is appropriate for him to stand outside of the (closed) window of our ground floor apartment and smoke while DC is sleeping if I am not home? If so for how long?
he should bring a baby monitor with him and try to keep it short like 5 minutes.
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deena19k




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jul 27 2017, 7:21 pm
I live in Israel, and would never ever let my 7 year old walk farther than the next door neighbor by herself. And even then, I watch her from the window. And I would never let her stay home alone, even for 5 minutes.
Not everyone here is so relaxed about this type of thing.
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