Raising a stubborn child

amother

Gray

Thu, Jul 27 2017, 9:18 am

I know, I know, all kids are stubborn to an extent and want to get their way. But I have other children and this is the stubbornest little bugger I've ever come across! He just digs in his heels and does not budge and the typical strategies just don't work. I need tips, tricks, reading material, anything for dealing with insane stubbornness. For context: he's typically developing, almost 4 (end of the summer), and a middle child. Thanks.

pause

Thu, Jul 27 2017, 9:52 am

Trying to avoid power struggles in the first place is the best way to deal with this.

Whatever you can let go, do so.

Whatever you need to happen, give him choices. Such as, we're leaving in five minutes. Do you want to go to the bathroom and then choose your snack, or you can choose your snack and then go to the bathroom. Let him choose his clothes, his food, etc.

Try to really see things from his perspective and validate his viewpoint before insisting on your way. Sometimes kids become stubborn simply in order to be heard and valued. If you give that to him, he may not need to dig in his heels as much.

It is a challenging situation. You wish you could just have the kid's cooperation and like, come on! Wishing you much hatzlacha to deal with this calmly.

amother

Gray

Thu, Jul 27 2017, 10:10 am

I already do pick my battles. He is definitely that kid who comes to shul in a superhero costume (and not just on Purim :-D). But sometimes I really need compliance. Like when he's doing something dangerous. Or hitting a sibling. Or we need to leave the house at a certain time. I definitely don't call him that to his face, and when relatives point out how stubborn he is, I tell them to shut up, because assigning roles to children (smart one, pretty one, troublemaker etc)I is damaging, but I need some language to explain the situation when I DO want advice on how to handle him. I accept that this is who he is. But he still needs to be brought up properly and abject stubbornness seems to require a different set of tools than what I'm used to. So I would like to learn Smile

pause

Thu, Jul 27 2017, 10:20 am

You seem to be doing a great job already!

Dangerous things are non-negotiable. You're right. In that case, I would separate (the item or the kid) without comment.

Does he give you a hard time with transitions in general? When you need to leave at a certain time, planning ahead (and figuring in time for the unexpected stubbornness) is very helpful. I find that using a timer is a good way for the child to be in charge of himself to ensure that he's ready to leave on time.

amother

Linen

Thu, Jul 27 2017, 12:15 pm

When you're dealing with a 4 yr old the word stubborn is the adult understanding of his behavior but in reality 4 yr olds aren't stubborn. I'd love to hear more examples to better understand his challenging behaviour but off the bat it seems like he's having trouble in certain areas which leads him to behave stubborn. How's his problem solving?
Speach processing issues? A good speech therapist can help. Hurting his siblings and doing things which are dangerous also sound like a specific type of sensory issues. I've seen tremendous change in children with those issues going to a gross motor gym. It's important to get him help soon since he knows what he is doing is wrong but can't control himself. Continuing this way can lead to low self esteem issues. Some tips:
It's important for him to have a productive role in the household so that 1-he learns to channel his energy and 2-build his self esteem. Have him do necessary activities such as peeling a potatoe for cholent or putting groceries away. Appreciate it sincerely. Children like him don't respond well to baby talk or pretend compliments. Be as real as you can when you reason with him.
Gym activities which you can do at home: letting him drag a sibling on a blanket(I HATE blankets out of the bedroom but let it go for now...!) This builds his core muscles. Yoga is great too! Make it fun do it together...
(I know there are therapist who work to build core muscle but unless it's in a gross motor gym where he climbs and does challenging physical activities I havnt seen great long term results.)
And just shower him with love!!! He's the hardest to give it to! Don't get emotional when dealing with him. Daven. Daven. Daven...
Good luck!

amother

Seagreen

Thu, Jul 27 2017, 1:24 pm

I didnt read the replies so I apologize if this is repetitive..

I have a 4.5 year old DD who sounds like your son and to start off I already see a major change in her as she gets closer to 5, and that 3 turning 4 was her hardest year...

for us something I am constantly working on not making a power struggle over things I dont find worth it.
obliviously there are non- negotiable like violence, hygiene, and derech eretz...
I giver her 2 choices for as much as I can for example 'would you rather take a shower now and then play or play and then shower?'

I also try to keep her as busy I can, and she loves it. not necessarily with toys and projects, but she loves doing 'things' so ill have her fold all the babies strechies and put them back in the drawer and yes that makes a mess and drives me crazy, but shes very happy and content being busy with work. she loves helping me cook and bake... that sort of stuff.

and on top of that, I just daven and daven for patience and to get through that day without emotionally scaring anyone LOL