Who to invite? | Imamother

amother

Babypink

Fri, Jul 28 2017, 2:09 pm

For my sons bar mitzvah I am planning to make a small seudah his "bo baayom". I cant manage to cater it myself(I work full time...) but I dont have a lot to spend so im keeping it only for his class and a few close friends/school staff...

The problem is that I really dont want to invite my sibilings or dh sibilings bc itll cost double (we both have lot sibilings) and unfortunately we are not close and dont live near them. I need to keep it small so I was thinking of only inviting a few relatives such as grandparents and my moms 3 cousins I am close with.

For shabbos, I would just make a kiddush in shul and not have relatives over bc thats an extra unneccesaru expense as the mitzva is "on that day".

What do you think?

Can anyone relate to my situation???

Just to clarify my finances that I dont have hired help, I work full time and dont pay for any extras and I live in an apt. My sil is making a bar mitzva and is inviting everyone, but she is catering all meals and I dont know how she can afford it. I wont ask bc its personal and shes not open about finances as most of us are.

SixOfWands

Fri, Jul 28 2017, 2:29 pm

Mazel tov.

There are always "levels," and its important to invite everyone at the same level, and those on a closer level to you. IOW, if you invite first cousins, you need to invite all of your first cousins, or only those who live in your city, or something that can be easily articulated and explained. Otherwise, people get upset.

In your case, inviting your mother's cousins, but not your siblings, is inviting people at a "lower" level. It will be construed as showing a definite antipathy towards your siblings. I'd avoid it.

Or just make it at a time so inconvenient that no one will come.

Mazel tov.

33055

Fri, Jul 28 2017, 2:43 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

I think just the opposite. OP should have those she, DH, and the BMB are close to. I am closer to some of my cousins than to some of my siblings and invite accordingly. Because of cost and geographical constraints, it makes sense.

amother

Babypink

Fri, Jul 28 2017, 4:19 pm

Thanks for the replies.

SixofWands, I see your point which is why I posted. You are right that inviting cousins is "lower level" than sibilings, but im very close to those cousins and I agree with squishy too, that I should invite relatives im closer to more than those who im not close to.

I wish I had a relationship with sibilings but unfortunately I dont. Theyll be insulted because my sis in law is making a bar mitzva first and is inviting everyone. Well, I wish I had the money like she has(im not jealous) but I dont so I must budget. Ppl get insulted easily but dont realize we have a budget!!!

Im making early shabbos, so have a good shabbos everyone.

amother

Green

Sat, Jul 29 2017, 12:22 pm

Mazel tov on the bar mitzvah.

It seems right to invite your siblings, even if they can't make it. They are your closest family.

And btw, some people prefer making a party bo bayom, but really it's not required. It's just a "thing." Have your son get an aliyah on the first possible day after his birthday and serve cake and drinks. Then invite your family to celebrate at a time that's convenient, in a way that's convenient and affordable for you. (BBQ in the backyard, whatever.)

out-of-towner

Sat, Jul 29 2017, 7:19 pm

I didn't go to my own brother's Bo B'yom (not my brother's kid, my brother himself, I was married with a few kids by then). It wasn't much of a thing. He put on Tefillin for the first time, per my father's Minhag, got an Aliya, and probably had some doughnuts and coffee. My parents choose to make the main thing in Shabbos. The only thing required of a Bar Mitzva is Tefillin and an Aliya. Nothing else.

amother

Denim

Sun, Jul 30 2017, 6:30 am

My friend was really tight financially. She comes from and has a large family ka״h. She made a meal for BMB class, Rebbie and her siblings (no children) and then invited friends, school staff... for dessert. No one was insulted.

mommyhood

Sun, Jul 30 2017, 7:22 am

There's nothing wrong with grandparents and classmates only but inviting cousins and not siblings is insulting even if you're not close to them.
Desert receptions. As others mentioned, are very popular where I live. Is that a possibility so you can invite everyone?