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Controlling emotions in front of kids



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amother
Cerulean


 

Post Tue, Aug 01 2017, 6:48 am
My dh and I were talking about the importance of controlling emotions in front of kids. (It came up bc I said I thought it was wrong that parents kept kids in gush katif to watch the disengagement.) my husband said that he thinks sometimes kids can watch parents have strong emotions and don't always need to ve calm in front if their kids. We both grew up in homes that were making in calm. This comment shows he wants to recreate the home he grew up in wguke I want to create a home with calm and peace. What do I do??
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amother
Amber


 

Post Tue, Aug 01 2017, 7:26 am
I'm a big believer in keeping a calm home. And I still think that kids should know that some things are deeply important to their parents. My kids have seen me cry on Tisha b'av. I think it's appropriate and educational.
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giselle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 01 2017, 7:28 am
amother wrote:
I'm a big believer in keeping a calm home. And I still think that kids should know that some things are deeply important to their parents. My kids have seen me cry on Tisha b'av. I think it's appropriate and educational.


Agreed. I have a calm home and my children have seen me cry when my grandmothers passed away. I wish I could cry on Tisha bav - I think it would be very appropriate for them to witness that as long as they don't see you falling apart.
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Tue, Aug 01 2017, 8:46 am
amother wrote:
My dh and I were talking about the importance of controlling emotions in front of kids. (It came up bc I said I thought it was wrong that parents kept kids in gush katif to watch the disengagement.) my husband said that he thinks sometimes kids can watch parents have strong emotions and don't always need to ve calm in front if their kids. We both grew up in homes that were making in calm. This comment shows he wants to recreate the home he grew up in wguke I want to create a home with calm and peace. What do I do??


Who says this shows he wants to recreate the home he grew up in? It depends what he meant by the comment. If he meant that it's fine to fly off the handle in front of children or cry constantly, then obviously there's a problem with that. But if all he meant is that especially as children get older, they can see their parents have stronger emotions sometimes -- that's fine.

Personally, as a child, I used to get very scared when my parents would cry in front of me, since they almost never did. It made me very afraid if my invulnerable parents cried. That might be partially because of the infrequency of it.


Last edited by amother on Fri, Jul 05 2019, 8:22 am; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Pewter


 

Post Tue, Aug 01 2017, 8:52 am
I never saw my parents cry. It made me step on my emotions and not show them. It taught me to kind of be embarrassed by my emotions.

DH, however, his parents are so emotional in front of the kids ( always to a decent extent, they don't go crazy crying but they definitely have tears in public when appropriate).

Their children aren't traumatized at all.

On the contrary, they are emotionally healthy human beings, they talk about and show their feelings.
I wish I can be that way.
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marina




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 01 2017, 9:10 am
there's a nice medium in between, but I agree that some emotion showing, whether sadness or anger or whatever, can be an appropriate educational tool.

That said, it should be rare and a premeditated, thoughtful decision. I raised my voice and spoke sharply to my daughter yesterday and it was a conscious choice. She hasn't heard me raise my voice in months so she was taken aback and it was effective.
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amother
Denim


 

Post Tue, Aug 01 2017, 9:28 am
I grew up with a mom who was mentally ill and showed way too much emotion to vulnerable children. It did not do us good and it took me a long time to learn how to regulate my emotions and that I don't need the world to see my emotions on my face. I think it's OK for kids to see emotion (even beneficial) as long as parent is still able to conto their emotions and don't appear as if theit emotions are controlling them.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 01 2017, 9:53 am
My parents never cried and I like it that way.
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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Tue, Aug 01 2017, 6:01 pm
amother wrote:
I grew up with a mom who was mentally ill and showed way too much emotion to vulnerable children. It did not do us good and it took me a long time to learn how to regulate my emotions and that I don't need the world to see my emotions on my face. I think it's OK for kids to see emotion (even beneficial) as long as parent is still able to conto their emotions and don't appear as if theit emotions are controlling them.

Hugs for your childhood.
What's wrong with the world seeing emotions on your face?
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amother
White


 

Post Tue, Aug 01 2017, 6:21 pm
I try to maintain composure in front of my son but there have been a few times when I went through difficult challenges and I was the only one around to take care of him at the time and I was crying very intensely. He's a toddler, and he hasn't seen me cry much before, so he was a little confused. He's a naturally happy child, BH, and after initial confusion he decided to join me... grabbed a few tissues and "blew his nose" into them, made the same heaving breaths I was making... then looked up at me and smiled, as if to ask for approval if he was doing it correctly. I gave him a hug, calmed down, and he went back to playing with his toys like he was doing before he saw me crying.

I felt bad exposing him to such emotional upheaval, and as a general rule I try very hard to be calm and happy around him (and I usually succeed). But at the end of the day, he didn't understand, doesn't see it often, and moved on pretty quickly... I think if it's a once-in-a-long-while kind of thing, it's okay. Might even be good for children to see that their parents have emotions, even strong emotions, and to see their parents manage their emotions appropriately. It's good role modeling. But it shouldn't be all the time, and the intensity shouldn't be overwhelming to the children, and only age-appropriate explanations should be given. In my case that I described above, "Mommy's sad," for example.
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mame1




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 01 2017, 9:53 pm
A calm home should be the goal. I wouldn't want to go out looking for trouble just so you can unravel in front of your kids, but sometimes things happen. I'm not sure what you're asking for. What do you do about what? It seems like you both want a home with calm and peace. I guess, worst case scenario if ch"v something should happen, you can always remain the calm one. You don't have to break down with him. You can control your own emotions. Nobody can order you to lose your calm. I don't think people have to be on the same page with that one. Losing your cool doesn't have to be a group activity.
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amother
Mint


 

Post Wed, Aug 02 2017, 7:12 am
My son was very sad and said I shouldn't speak to him about when he was taken into foster care anymore coz then he'll cry.
I told him that it's ok to cry and that his daddy and mummy have been crying too.
He totally couldn't believe it! He said that he's never seen an adult cry and it's babyish to...
I think it's good for kids to see that we can cry too and can be in pain, as long as it isn't too often.
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Aylat




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 02 2017, 7:33 am
marina wrote:
there's a nice medium in between, but I agree that some emotion showing, whether sadness or anger or whatever, can be an appropriate educational tool.

That said, it should be rare and a premeditated, thoughtful decision. I raised my voice and spoke sharply to my daughter yesterday and it was a conscious choice. She hasn't heard me raise my voice in months so she was taken aback and it was effective.


Wow Marina, I am in awe. If I don't raise my voice at my kids for a day I think I am doing well.
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Aylat




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 02 2017, 7:40 am
I aim to bring up emotionally aware and 'literate' kids. I try to do this by modelling how I deal with my emotions. I share with them when I am happy, proud, excited. I tell them when I am grouchy and need to take a time-out. Sometimes I say that I am too sad to talk about something or to do an activity with them. I tell them it is okay to cry when they are sad and that I cry when I am sad.

The decision whether to keep kids in gush katif til the end must have been a very difficult one. When you believe strongly in something you want to share that with your children.
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mommy201




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 02 2017, 8:23 am
Emotions are very healthy. And we need to experience it in order to get passed it. If we cover up our emotions then our kids are learning to bottle up their emotions, which is unhealthy. The way to express emotions is to actually say the emotion, " mommy is feeling sad, mommy is angry... " though , it's not okay to act out on the behavior (yell). I would think crying is okay and healthy.... but perhaps stating before " mommy is crying, because I'm feeling sad about....." that helps the child understand the reasoning behind it.
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amother
Firebrick


 

Post Wed, Aug 02 2017, 8:27 am
amother wrote:
I grew up with a mom who was mentally ill and showed way too much emotion to vulnerable children. It did not do us good and it took me a long time to learn how to regulate my emotions and that I don't need the world to see my emotions on my face. I think it's OK for kids to see emotion (even beneficial) as long as parent is still able to conto their emotions and don't appear as if theit emotions are controlling them.
I had the same growing up. My siblings and I were traumatized.
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Miri7




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 02 2017, 10:29 am
I grew up in a home where emotions were not expressed freely. It has been really hard for me to learn to recognize and acknowledge and express my emotions.

With my kids I try to be pretty emotionally open, in a healthy way. I will say, "Ugh, I'm feeling really frustrated today because the oven broke and now I have this lasagna I prepared and I can't cook it for dinner." Or say "I'm feeling sad because my parents can't come visit this summer." Or something like that. "I'm starting to feel angry, so I'm going to go into my room for a few minutes and take some time."

I think that it's really helpful and healthy for kids to see you experience life and how you deal with things as they come up. It helps them to be empathetic, too. I also find that if I'm doing this that I get less caught up in my emotions, and it helps me acknowledge my feelings and actually be a bit more calm. (Especially if one of the kids offers a hug!)

Though some emotions I do hide a bit from the kids, like if something really bad or scary happened in the news and I think that they're too young to hear about it. There are some things they just don't need to worry about yet.
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