Do I force her?! | Imamother

amother

Wine

Sat, Aug 05 2017, 6:24 pm

My 4-year old daughter has separation anxiety (I think). For the first two months of school this year I had to drag her in crying. She stopped crying the minute I left and then had a great day, laughing and playing and making tons of friends. After about two months, one morning I brought her in but when she started crying I just turned around with her and told her to come. She asked where and I said we'll go back home. This shocked her and, because she really loved it and wanted to stay, she said no and walked right into her classroom. We had no problems for the rest of the year.

She went to camp two weeks ago and is signed up for the next two weeks. She is again crying every day when I drop her off but having a great day as soon as I leave. When I talk about it at home she says she doesn't want to go to camp. She was home with me for the past week and has been driving everyone crazy. She's bored and needs some serious stimulation. She's been grabbing, hitting, squishing my other kids... She does really well when I sit on teh floor and play with just her but I work until late at night and am tired and also have to take care of other things in the morning. I do occupy her but it's not enough.

Now I'm trying to decide if I force her to go to camp tomorrow even though she says she doesn't want to. It's slightly outside her comfort zone but staying home is not doing any good for her either. What do I do?

amother

Teal

Sat, Aug 05 2017, 10:38 pm

I am answering this because I had the exact same thing with my son, and I discovered that camp is very different than school!
In school there is consistency. Same room same morah same time samr place every day the same. So although there may be anxiety at the beginning the consistency is there and they grow to love it. I find camp to be very difficult with children who have anxiety issues. Its noisy. There are usually counselors who are young and inexperienced. They go on trips. Never the same place. Swimming. And I could go on and on. So my son stays home. He is happy and we neec to keep him busy.

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, Aug 06 2017, 12:20 am

I couldve written your post. My dd is now 6 and after having the same issue every year when school starts and in day camp she's been evaluated and is just starting behavioral therapy. I suggest you do the same.

In the meantime, I urge you to "force her to go." Being forced to face her fears and then in teh end having a good time is good for her. Staying home because of her anxiety makes things worse.

amother

Royalblue

Sun, Aug 06 2017, 12:30 am

amother wrote:

It's true that avoiding whatever makes her anxious can increase the anxiety. But forcing her into a situation that makes her anxious *without properly mitigating the anxiety or giving her the tools to handle it* can be incredibly painful for her.

amother

Lavender

Sun, Aug 06 2017, 2:11 pm

My 4 year old is similar, though the crying is minimal for her. But she cheers up the second I leave, and then when I pick her up she talks about how much fun she had and that she likes it. But on the weekends or sometimes in the morning, she says she wants to stay home with me. My feeling is, as long as she reports having a good time and calms down as soon as I leave, she can continue to go. Also, the separation is much easier when my husband brings her (no crying at all), so maybe try that - it made a difference for us. It seems the problem is separation from me, and not the camp itself. At first I thought it would be better if I brought her to help her with her separation anxiety, but cutting out the step of her separating from me actually seems to reduce her anxiety significantly (if not almost completely).

amother

Saddlebrown

Sun, Aug 06 2017, 4:12 pm

Same here. Exactly. I force her because honestly I need her to go cuz I work. I empathize and try to get her ready by talking about it the night before and kind of 'get her ready' for what will happen. I give special treats for when she goes nicely. I constantly remind her of what a great camp she goes to and how much the Norah's like her and tell everyone we meet that she was the camper of the week. Hopefully this week will be easier. It's hard because she got used to first half camp and now we have to switch cuz the camp did not go through the summer.

amother

Emerald

Sun, Aug 06 2017, 6:29 pm

amother wrote:

If the bolded is true then I don't understand at all why you would keep her at home or why anyone would advise you to do it either. (Though just wondering how do you know she enjoys it if she says she doesn't?)