4 yr old lying | Imamother

amother

Burgundy

Mon, Aug 07 2017, 9:17 pm

My 4 yr old DD is an excellent liar. I can not tell when she is lying or not. She started last yr when she was 3 and it was funny and cute and we figured she couldn't really always differentiate between her imagination and the truth. For example, she told her friends that her birthday was the next day. Or that we were going to Israel. She didn't understand she was lying at that time. But fast foward a year and she is a real poker face and knows how to cover herself too. I really don't know who colored on the walls today - it was either her or her 2 yr old brother who really can't tell me the truth yet. Or who started fights. Or who got the toy first. Or what happened in school, etc. I'm worried for many reasons, obviously because this is not a good habit but also for her safety, etc. I've had situations already where she has done unsafe things and she claimed she was in the right (ex talking to strangers that she claims she knew ).
If anyone has any experience and can offer real, practical advise I would appreciate.
If you just feel like telling me what a bad parent I am, please just move on to another thread.

PAMOM

Mon, Aug 07 2017, 9:33 pm

You're not a bad parent. Her actions are developmentally appropriate. Find a quiet time to tell her that you know sometimes she's teasing when she says something or doesn't really mean it. Give a recent example. Tell her that it's fine to tease as long as she can tell you when she is. Tell her that mothers and children can always be honest with each other and they can always tease. Have some code word if you want -- if one of you asks if something is true and says the code word, the other one has to answer truthfully. Play "the game " once or twice and try the code word.

amother

Aquamarine

Tue, Aug 08 2017, 5:04 pm

My 4 year old is exactly the same. You're not a bad parent, it's a normal phase at this age. But some kids are worse (or better) than others. Also, know that being a good liar is a sign of high intelligence and EQ, because it requires awareness of what other know and don't know, as well as being able to regulate emotions while doing it. These skills are useful in the future.

One thing that has helped us somewhat is the concept of a 'safe minute' - this is a time where I tell dd that she can tell the truth and I won't be angry about anything. I did some role playing with her (and also with my husband in front of her) to help her understand. It helps sometimes, not always. The catch is that you have to be totally calm when you enter the safe minute and you really can't get mad.