Son rejected by kids on the block

amother

Honeydew

Sun, Aug 13 2017, 10:56 pm

My 9 year old son is very social. He will play with anyone, younger and older. I live on a block with lots of children. Many times they organize sports activities on their own in the street. And they never let my son join. He wants to play with them and be included so badly. He has ADHD and perhaps some symptoms that can be found in children with high functioning autism. But he is completely mainstreamd and attends a general ed school. And to his credit, he is athletic and great at sports and would be an asset to any team. They know he can play because he often plays sports outside with a school friend that comes over. I am not sure if they sense something different about him and that is why they reject him.
I am really worried about him feeling rejected. He is often just standing on the sidelines and watching everyone play. He's previously advocated for himself and asked to join but at this point he doesn't even ask anymore. Just today, they needed another boy for a team and they went and called somebody else from his house while my son just stood there. This breaks my heart. I am really worried about him. Is there anything I can do? I did speak to some of the boys a few weeks ago but I do not think I can change how they feel about including him.

amother

Oak

Sun, Aug 13 2017, 11:17 pm

hello! welcome to my life! I live on a block where my children experience this all the time. I've enrolled my children in after school activities so that they can have a place where they belong and a chance to develop a special skill. This summer, I sent my oldest to sleepaway camp and he had a great time. You have to teach them that this isn't the only way life can be. I tried speaking to the kids and their parents but that was laughable. Its really hard though. Rejection is painful. Social isolation is painful.

amother

Coral

Sun, Aug 13 2017, 11:47 pm

I'm sorry, op.. this is so hard. I actually have a friend who moved because her daughters were being rejected by the other girls on the block, and the parents were complicit. I know that sounds extreme, but in her case she felt it was very damaging, and all efforts to improve the situation failed. Can you try to have other friends over often to offset the block rejection?

amother

Lawngreen

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 7:41 am

OP, that must be very hard for your son. You mentioned that he has some symptoms of high functioning autism.
I am wondering if this affects his likeability in team sports. Does he lose sports well? Is he a stickler for the rules? Does he get insulted during games? These are definitely not a reason for kids to be mean to him, but unfortunately kids can be mean and these skills can be worked on.

simcha2

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 7:50 am

Are you friends with any of the parents? If so, I would call up and say, "it seems the other kids don't want Ploni to play with them, what can he do differently?".

If I got that call that my kid was excluding another kid (especially in a non accusatory way), you'd better believe my child would be hearing some mussar about his and his friends middos.

In general I believe in kids working things out, bit here where there is either something you are missing or a concerted group effort to exclude I think parental involvement may be necessary.

amother

Khaki

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 9:08 am

My ds has this too. He is very sensory and has no emotional regulation. As much help as we get him, nothing changes. Honestly, I can understand why no one wants to play with him, he goes crazy for every little thing. (If someone tags him in a game, he screams and yells ).
Sorry to say, but maybe the same thing us going on with your son.

simcha2

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 9:49 am

imasinger wrote:

I find that talking to other parents is unhelpful. They all say yes, yes, of course, but nothing is really likely to change.

For us, what worked best is finding our own friendship groups, even if that means missing out on the local, easy option.

I think it depends in the community. In our OOT community no kid gets left out. If there is a group of kids playing everyone and anyone can join. The kids all know this. It does not mean that individual kids always want to play one on one with every other kid (and they're not expected to), but if it's a group the rule is "whoever wants to play, plays" . All the kids, and parents, know and enforce that.

amother

Saddlebrown

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 10:01 am

I highly recommend that you watch him from far to see how he interacts with the other children and see if there is any reason that he should be rejected. Some kids that have ADHD they are okay but some kids can be annoying and bothersome to others (not because they want to, its just that how it happens especially when they can impulsive. Do without thinking)

amother

Crimson

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 10:11 am

amother wrote:

Maybe, but then what? I've worked as a 5th grade teacher in a boys school for many years. Kids can be mean and cruel. If a kid is weird and not up to par, he is often excluded. Of course I talk to them and try to get the child included but it only helps so much. It is very difficult for a kid who is different to feel welcomed by his peers when they often ignore him. Identifying the problem is easy. Solving this type of issue can be very difficult.

amother

Beige

Mon, Aug 14 2017, 3:36 pm

I highly recommend a social skills group - this can be very helpful for kids with ADHD or features of Autism, even if he doesn't have a major problem. Sometimes fixing some small things and learning extra social skills are the in that's needed.

I had ADHD growing up, an the kids on the bock always included me, but at school the kids (different kids) always excluded me. It's hard to say sometimes why a certain group will include and another group will exclude. I was the weird kid, and so I get why not everyone wanted to play with me, but it was a bit baffling as to why some kids accepted me fine and others made my life miserable. (I did grow up to have a great social life, so it won't last forever - by the middle of high school I had a ton of friends)

I also want to say that gravitating towards the younger kids sometimes helps, they tend to be more accepting, but a lot depends on the dynamics of the block.

Lastly, I suggest you find some exciting toys or games that he can teach the other kids -they may be more open to playing with him then. For example, teach him a unique ball game, having him invite an outside friend (not from the block) or two over so hes people to start with, and have them play it and offer the other kids to join. When they see it looks like fun, they might join. Or they might not.

I also agree with another poster who said to try to make individual play dates. Have him invite a boy or two over for a play date, even enticing them with exciting toys/games/food.

Lastly, and this was always a winner, when the kids would play with me (or to get them to my front yard), I used to give them ice pops or candies. This could backfire (e.g. they'll take the candy and run), but sometimes will work. It's harder to be mean to someone who keeps giving you yummy treats.