Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Household Management -> Finances
Agreed upon help



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother
cornflower


 

Post Wed, Aug 16 2017, 10:41 am
So my parents agreed to pay one expense for us monthly... And I would take it over when I get a job. Due to circumstances beyond anyone's control I am not able to get a job in my field.... My field is flooded but I search all the time the job boards/postings and network. (I went to grad school so it is somewhat specialized). I am doing my best and they know it but are frustrated. They keep asking if I can take over that expense. I spoke to DH about it but he is worried they are going to downsize him soon. He doesn't feel comfortable taking on another expense now as he is looking at other job prospects now.
I explained this to my parents- and they know that we don't spend a ton and are aware of expenses- we shop sales, coupons, at many different stores to get the best prices etc. my father is impossible to talk to- anytime he hears about some expense we had (I don't make big purchases but if he sees my son has new shoes because he outgrew them. He has one pair only) he asks when we can take it over. I express appreciation, call him multiple times a week, but each conversation often ends up with "and when am I no longer going to pay for it?"

It's a source of tension but what can I do? Other than this we are self sufficient and get no support. I feel that they think since my husband is working we can afford it. I want to take it over but we just can't right now.
I have a sibling who is in Kollel and they supported them monthly - none of the same pressure that I am getting. I know money is tight for them but why can't they be reasonable? My husband might lose his job and then we won't be able to afford rice, let alone any expenses. Just because we are working doesn't mean we are wealthy! They should know as my parents were always working, never Kollel. But somehow it is ok for my siblings to rely on mom and dad but not us. Always high praise about the "struggle" Kollel sibs go through and how frugal they are. It's not like I get massages and manis ever. But between rent, medical insurance, tuition, food, electric and gas bills, and other real basics I can't afford another thing! My shoes are falling apart! I don't have diamond bracelets, silver lichter or anything like that (after reading in the other thread about one for the baby... I don't even have that for myself!)

I guess I am looking to vent. I don't know. How can I talk to them about this?
Back to top

amother
Apricot


 

Post Wed, Aug 16 2017, 10:55 am
I understand that this must be very frustrating and stressful for you, even more so because they seem to be more generous with siblings.

However.. this is their gift to you, not something that is owed. So it's within their right to withdraw the offer, especially since it seems they didn't anticipate you needing the help for as long as you did.

What's your long term plan given that your field is flooded?
Back to top

amother
Sapphire


 

Post Wed, Aug 16 2017, 11:03 am
I agree that it's not your parents responsibility, and it's obvious that they don't want to spend their money on this. However if I was in your situation I would definitely be bitter about the kollel siblings.
Honestly, it doesn't seem like you will be able to have a reasonable conversation about this. Maybe ask them to cosign a loan for you. That way you get some money, and they also realize that you're doing everything you can. (Of course only if you know you can eventually pay it back).
Good luck with everything
Back to top

SixOfWands




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 16 2017, 11:26 am
OP, I'm sorry for your situation. But it seems pretty obvious to me that your parents reasonably anticipated that you would have a job by now and that they would not have this continued expense, and, further, that your parents do not have the money to continue paying your expenses.

Your brother's situation is very different, as they presumably did not anticipate that he would be off the payroll by now. Just like they didn't ask you to take over this expense while you were in grad school, they're not asking him while he's still in the period in which they agreed to help him.

You discuss your own financial condition, but you don't think about your parents. Are their jobs secure? Do they want to start slowing down? Do they have sufficient retirement savings (I'd say in excess of $2 million, to be safe). As I said above, its pretty clear that while you don't have the funds to take over the expense, they don't have the money to pay it for you. And in the end, (1) its your expense, and (2) you're past the time they agreed to pay (grad school -- I know you said "when you get a job," but honestly, do you think they would agree to pay it forever if you chose not to work?).

Looking for a job is difficult, but its probably not a full time job for your. That leaves you with the opportunity to work in a part time position, albeit out of your field. Even a couple of hundred dollars a week working as a barista at Starbucks should make a dent in this expense.

And your husband should be proactive, and look for a new job now.
Back to top

MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 16 2017, 3:41 pm
Gosh this sounds like a shocker. Why not find a job that will cover that expense and get some shared child care help from friends? You can work out a deal with someone you know, I.e. take their kids for a couple of hours on sunday.

How large is this expense? Two figures? Three figures? Four Figures? Do your parents still have kids at home?

There is soooo much to consider here.
Back to top

Amarante




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 16 2017, 4:02 pm
As others have posted, I don't see why someone with a graduate degree in any field can't get a job that would probably be more than your parents are contributing.

I have a professional degree but when I relocated, I had no false pride about signing up with a temp agency for secretarial/administrative work until I was able to find a job in my field.

I would never have dreamed of asking my parents to subsidize me when I was fully capable of earning money and being self supporting. And my parents were extremely generous in terms of being there for medical emergencies and helped with my down payment. They should felt strongly (as do I) that if a person is capable of earning a living, they should earn a living at any respectable trade.

My good friend is a multimillionaire and has raised her children so that they work. One of her girls had a job at a bookstore for awhile - just pointing out that this highly educated girl who had millions in a trust fund didn't find it beneath herself to work at a job.
Back to top

tigerwife




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 16 2017, 4:07 pm
As a side point, it might seem like your sibling in kollel is getting a free ride, but given the way your parents are pushing you, it's not all that clear that they aren't pressuring your brother either.

Can you get a job that is related to your specialization or in the same workplace so that you can have access to other jobs when they come up?
Back to top

amother
Tan


 

Post Wed, Aug 16 2017, 4:42 pm
I can definitely understand your frustration especially about how your kollel sibilings seem to be getting helped. I understand that people who are working may also be struggling (while others just think well you are working and are not kollel so you should be able to afford everything...)

However, think of this from your parents point of view. They are also struggling financially. They made a choice to help your kollel siblings and also agreed to help pay this expense for you. But, they didn't agree to pay for this long. They wanted to help you while you were searching for a job, but if it is taking longer to get a job in your field,

I agree with others who say it is your responsibility to just take any job now even if it is not in your field. Why? To relieve your parents of this expense as it really is your responsibility to pay for it. There was someone who worked in a low paying job that is not her field bc she needed money for expenses and her field was flooded. She still kept looking in her field while she worked and it took her 4 yrs, but then she found a job in her field and is earning 5 times the salary she was making.

Also, I definitely understand how you feel that if your parents continue to pay for kollel sibilings, why can't they continue to pay for your expense. But, it really is your parents choice how to spend their money. If they think that your kollel siblings need help while you can get a job for this expense, that is their choice to believe this BUT IT IS STILL HURTFUL (my in laws also think we have tons of money bc we work and only help certain sibling financially and not us).

I'm sorry you are feeling stressed about this. I hope u can find a job.
Back to top

cm




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 16 2017, 4:58 pm
I agree with others that it would be best to get a job to cover your expenses. Another benefit is that it is far easier to get hired for your dream job if you are already working. Even a low-level retail job is good for the resume - it shows potential employers that you are responsible and know how to do things like show up on time, follow procedures and interact with the public.
Back to top

zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 16 2017, 5:19 pm
I have many neighbors from the former Soviet Union who were top professionals in their fields when they came to this country. People with advanced degrees worked cleaning houses, in mail rooms and as file clerks until they found jobs in their fields. Just saying.
Back to top

amother
Violet


 

Post Wed, Aug 16 2017, 7:29 pm
OP - I'm so confused. Why can't you take on the expense and hope your husband doesn't lose his job? If he loses his job ch'v, would your parents be able to help you then?

And also - so your field is flooded - what does that have to do with working?

And who can afford massages and pedis?

Frankly you don't sound like you are being reasonable. No wonder your father is frustrated. You want him to keep paying for something on the chance that your husband might lose his job?

and why do your parents have to support you? If you can relate to the spiritual motivation stuff, when parents or anyone support someone in kollel, they receive a portion of the Torah learned. In a sense they are buying into/investing in the learning to acquire spiritual equity. I don't mean to hurt you but you are pushing your father into supporting your job search which he no longer wants to support.

Sorry it seems to mean that you and DH are out of line and your siblings are an irrelevant excuse/deflection
Back to top

amother
cornflower


 

Post Wed, Aug 16 2017, 8:03 pm
Well I knew better than to ask here on how to deal with it. I would be seen as a selfish brat who can't see another's point of view.
My parents realize that getting anything outside my field would make us worse off- paying for childcare plus losing out on getting a job in my field... I am continuing my training and doing clinical work to enhance my skill set but it's unpaid (which they knew and agreed upon) so I can hopefully get a paid one someday. Plus childcare and job searching. I am barely on this website I am so busy... Came on just to look for support but am not getting any.
My husband's company is doing tons of layoffs so it is kind of likely he will lose the job. He is searching too. And they won't be able to help us if he loses his job. We can't move in with them (what do we do with our stuff? Plus Not enough room for us...). They can't help us that much.

I don't expect things from my parents outside of this one thing. It was agreed upon beforehand and my mother realizes that taking it on will have to wait for us. I help out my parents all the time. I run errands, help with stuff around the house, and many other things that I can't just list them out. Which my sibling does not. Neither does the spouse.

The problem is my mother agrees with me and my father doesn't. He is being unreasonable according to her and if we had jobs it would be no problem. It is feeling like harassment the treatment I get sometimes where every conversation turns into this one bill. I took over another one that was asked of me. There was no transition time- it went from "when you get a job" to "when. When. When. Now. Now. Now".

It is hurtful. I am not mooching. I asked, we had an agreement, and Without warning it was switched on me. And now I get verbally harassed when the topic is brought up, often when I come over to help.
Back to top

amother
Mustard


 

Post Wed, Aug 16 2017, 8:18 pm
OP - your father shouldn't be harassing you. He's probably just very excited to soon be able to boast about his daughter and SIL being fully independent.

I hope that your DH doesn't lose his job - but if he does, that he gets a reasonable severance package, and that he's able to land on his feet shortly there-after.
Back to top

amother
Violet


 

Post Wed, Aug 16 2017, 8:34 pm
still don't understand what your sibling has to do with this story but....

I do take back what I said, if your father had a say in your choice to pursue experience without pay then it its reasonable for you to feel a little surprised.

But things may have changed for him. If he says he can't, ask him if he believes it is now better for you to just take any job or continue to pursue what you are doing. Listen to his answer openly and honestly. If he says he can't help you, or doesn't want to, you may have to change your plans.....sometimes thems are the shakes,

We are lucky when we have parents who love us. If that's what they can give, we are rich indeed.
Back to top

tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 16 2017, 9:07 pm
amother wrote:
Well I knew better than to ask here on how to deal with it. I would be seen as a selfish brat who can't see another's point of view.
My parents realize that getting anything outside my field would make us worse off- paying for childcare plus losing out on getting a job in my field... I am continuing my training and doing clinical work to enhance my skill set but it's unpaid (which they knew and agreed upon) so I can hopefully get a paid one someday. Plus childcare and job searching. I am barely on this website I am so busy... Came on just to look for support but am not getting any.
My husband's company is doing tons of layoffs so it is kind of likely he will lose the job. He is searching too. And they won't be able to help us if he loses his job. We can't move in with them (what do we do with our stuff? Plus Not enough room for us...). They can't help us that much.

I don't expect things from my parents outside of this one thing. It was agreed upon beforehand and my mother realizes that taking it on will have to wait for us. I help out my parents all the time. I run errands, help with stuff around the house, and many other things that I can't just list them out. Which my sibling does not. Neither does the spouse.

The problem is my mother agrees with me and my father doesn't. He is being unreasonable according to her and if we had jobs it would be no problem. It is feeling like harassment the treatment I get sometimes where every conversation turns into this one bill. I took over another one that was asked of me. There was no transition time- it went from "when you get a job" to "when. When. When. Now. Now. Now".

It is hurtful. I am not mooching. I asked, we had an agreement, and Without warning it was switched on me. And now I get verbally harassed when the topic is brought up, often when I come over to help.


I actually don't think people the majority of people posting think or expressed that you are a selfish brat. It sounds like you are under a lot of stress and wish that your father would just let things go so this didn't have to be stressful as well and impact your relationship. I totally get that. Not sure I really have any advice except maybe having a heart to heart with him and telling him that you hate depending on him financially and don't want to stress him out financially but also feel like you are in a bad situation and really need their financial help and appreciate it. Hope you get the job you want and your husband's job situation improves!
Back to top

amother
Hotpink


 

Post Wed, Aug 16 2017, 9:14 pm
Daven for Hashem to send you the means to cover all your expenses without your father's help. And of course for a job in your field. Idea
Back to top
Page 1 of 1 Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Household Management -> Finances