How do I keep my little boy safe?!?? Trigger warning:abuse

amother

Fuchsia

Thu, Aug 17 2017, 12:22 am

I have a 6yo boy. After hearing all of these stories about frum boys being abused I'm absolutely terrified that he will be a target. He absolutely loves hanging out with older kids, is very athletic, friendly, and your typical sorta immature little kid who will believe most of what people say. Whenever he goes to camp or a sports activity I'm worried that someone will take advantage of him somehow. We've had the basic conversation about how other people must respect your body and that the only people allowed to touch you are the doctor and mommy/daddy if they are helping to wipe you - but I know how manipulative abusers can be. I'm just not sure he wouldn't be roped into an uncomfortable situation.

I am not an abuse survivor so I'm not sure why I'm so consumed with worry over this....I guess I've heard enough stories to know that this, unfortunately, is a reality in the world we live in.

Any advice?
How do I keep my little boy safe?

amother

Lilac

Thu, Aug 17 2017, 12:30 am

I would say that one conversation isn't enough.
I casually go over all the rules many times. I'll be driving in my car and randomly ask my kids, what do you do if you're lost (they'll say go to a mother with kids). I'll say what should you do if ____. Then you mention if anyone touches you, come to me.

If he heard it once, it isn't an impression.

Don't freak him out and talk about it endlessly only about touching private parts. But do mention general safety and throw it in so he KNOWS he can come to you and he remembers it. It should be a given. We buckle our seatbelts, we look both ways when we cross streets, we tell an adult when someone touches us.

Don't be worried about bringing it up. Not excessive but enough. Again, casual but important to not have only said it one time in offhand way

amother

Fuchsia

Thu, Aug 17 2017, 1:17 am

Good advice, thank you

quote="amother"]I would say that one conversation isn't enough.
I casually go over all the rules many times. I'll be driving in my car and randomly ask my kids, what do you do if you're lost (they'll say go to a mother with kids). I'll say what should you do if ____. Then you mention if anyone touches you, come to me.

If he heard it once, it isn't an impression.

Don't freak him out and talk about it endlessly only about touching private parts. But do mention general safety and throw it in so he KNOWS he can come to you and he remembers it. It should be a given. We buckle our seatbelts, we look both ways when we cross streets, we tell an adult when someone touches us.

Don't be worried about bringing it up. Not excessive but enough. Again, casual but important to not have only said it one time in offhand way[/quote]

FranticFrummie

Thu, Aug 17 2017, 2:02 am

The blog Free Range Kids has some excellent advice on how to keep your kids safe, when to worry, and when not to worry. Very practical and down to earth, without hysteria.

I think one of the most important things I've taught DD, is that bad guys and girls can look like anyone. The clean cut guy in a suit could be a molestor, the Black guy in the saggy pants could be the one who stops the abductor and calls 911 for you. A person in a beard and kippa could be good or bad, or someone could use their wife or girlfriend to gain your trust.

Basically, learn to be a good judge of BEHAVIOR, and don't base it on appearances. (This is a good rule for life in general.) Having a fear of "others" can get in the way of a child getting the help he needs in an emergency. Better to fear the "nice looking" stranger who is acting a little too friendly for comfort.

One more thing, teach him to never accept candy "even if it's kosher", without your permission. There was a situation at a local shul a few years back, where the guy in charge of Shabbos candy was luring kids into the back storeroom for "extra treats." Make sure your child knows to stay in public places, and not to go anywhere private with someone else.

Thu, Aug 17 2017, 5:06 am

All of the above, plus. Having a good friendly relationship with DC is essential. Kids should feel welcome for who they are and feel heard. They should know they can tell anything to parents with just one rule, that it must be respectful. I've encountered parents who don't allow their children to say certain things, which is making it a difficult time for kids to choose how to say the important stuff.

crazymom

Thu, Aug 17 2017, 9:22 am

Unfortunately, most abusers are people you know. Who look like you, who act like they care about you.. I talk openly with my boys and let them know even people you think are "cool" are not allowed to touch you. And if they feel uncomfortable in any way, listen to that voice and leave.

Abusers groom their targets by being nice and paying attention to kids. Could be parents of their friends, Rabbis, teachers, babysitters. Sorry but it is so. I pay attention to whom and how they are talking to my kids. Are they buying them things , giving them candy? A little too close? My sons love the big boys, but the big boys don't pay special attention to them- and that's ok. Teenage boys aren't usually interested in 9 year olds. But if one was- I would be watching.

Women are less likely to offend, so all my babysitters are female.

I am not an abuse survivor either, but my husband is and the repercussions are lifelong. A nice frum family from Brooklyn. Happens everywhere.

So to the original poster, no you are not overly concerned.

amother

Apricot

Thu, Aug 17 2017, 9:56 am

We can not protect our kids enough. It happened to me in my mothers house, to my son in my house while I was home, and to my other son on the grounds in the colony. Only once for each. But that's one time too many!

I am thankful that both of them felt comfortable to share with me. And that I was able to validate them and take it seriously. And give them the help they need.

As a survivor myself, being brought up in a warm loving family. I can't stress it enough that all we need to do is try to teach them boundaries and safety. We can't follow them all the time to protect them. But if God forbid something happens please listen and beleive whatever they say. Don't accuse them. Just listen and validate their feelings. And don't ask too many questions in order for them not to feel threatened.

Being worried won't protect them. You can ask Hashem to protect them all the time.

iammom

Thu, Aug 17 2017, 10:04 am

crazymom wrote:

At 9 years old, a boy is pretty independent when it comes to playing. He can go play by a neighbor's basketball court and anything can happen.
A mother can't always protect and watch her children which is why conversations and open lines of communication are so important.

Zehava

Thu, Aug 17 2017, 10:22 am

Another vote for body safety. We randomly mention it and I also bring it up when they ask questions. They like to ask if they themselves are allowed to touch and I say yes. I also go through all sorts of people who are not allowed to touch them and they end up coming up with examples. Ex: rebbe, teacher, friend, aunt, uncle, grandfather, older kids, ups guy, mailman.... it turns into a game aatone point but they get the message.

cbsp

Fri, Aug 18 2017, 1:28 am

crazymom wrote:

Not always does the abuser make the abused feel uncomfortable - he likes the candy, attention, sensations. Now how do you explain that all that is bad and abusive?

Fri, Aug 18 2017, 4:02 am

cbsp wrote:

Not always does the abuser make the abused feel uncomfortable - he likes the candy, attention, sensations. Now how do you explain that all that is bad and abusive?

Teach the difference between good touch and bad touch in terms of others vs. oneself.

amother

White

Fri, Aug 18 2017, 10:18 am

I have a 9 year old daughter. We've been having safety talks for many years already. I remember shortly after one when we discussed that if someone tells her that she should keep a secret from her parents she should tell us right away that she came to tell me her Zaidy let her have a piece of cake for breakfast Shabbos morning but not to tell me. I was so proud of her! She must have been 5 at the time. Of course our talks have gotten more nuanced as she gets older. We had another safety talk before her first sleepover at a friend's house and another one this summer before she went to sleepaway camp.

I don't know if I'm a little bit complacent but I know my daughter and she doesn't like to be touched affectionately so I don't worry about her so much. She won't let us kiss her and she initiates hugs but doesn't really enjoy being spontaneously hugged by us. We certainly don't force her! So a lot of our precamp discussion was about boundaries and how she shouldn't let people cross them if she's uncomfortable. That includes letting people hug her or do her hair if she doesn't want them to, etc. We also discussed what she should do if she asks someone to stop doing whatever makes her uncomfortable and they don't listen. At a sleepover we told her she can call us any time day or night and we'd come get her but at camp she doesn't have easy access to a phone so she has to know who to speak to.