Comparing to others

amother

Indigo

Sat, Aug 19 2017, 10:58 pm

There is an thread about intimacy frequency that was just locked. It is against the rules to ask and compare the frequency of intimacy. Every so often a poster asks a similar question and there are usually a couple responses that get thru before the post is locked. There are always the same 2 types of responses:

1. Who cares, you shouldn't compare yourself to others.
2. The jokes come in and people will say things like 3 times on sunday, 5 times on monday....

My question is that if I posed a question such as:
I feel like such a bad parent. My 5 year old goes to sleep at 10:00 every night. What time does your 5 year old go to sleep? I don't think I would get any responses saying not to compare, and what difference does it make about someone else's 5 year old? Or if I posted..... I feel so bad that I didn't go up to camp on visiting day. Did anybody else not go up on visiting day? Again, I don't think anyone would respond that it doesn't matter what anyone else does. People who didn't go up would tell me they didn't so I wouldn't feel bad that I'm the only one. There is a feeling of normalcy if others are in the same situation. I realize the intimacy question about frequency is against this site's rules because of tsnius, and I fully respect that. That being said, I do fully understand why someone who feels bad about intimacy frequency would feel comforted that other woman are in the same boat. I think the responses saying "why does it matter" are out of line. The only correct response to the intimacy frequency questions is that such questions are against this site's rules even though it is a fair question.

yehudis1056

Sat, Aug 19 2017, 11:10 pm

Hi I'm fairly new here and I didn't even know that that was a rule here but I think it's a pretty wise one. Aside from it being a lack of tzinus it's also not constructive. I think the people who responded to that post weren't trying to knock down her question but they were just saying that every couple's relationship is different due to life circumstances, personality or a 100 different reasons. Like one of the responders said if someone thinks this is an issue in her marriage she should seek professional help. Asking other women about this and hearing What other people do can cause resentment, jealousy and anger and perhaps a lot more trouble then she was anticipating.
Of course this site does deal with sensitive topics. Like I said I'm relatively new here but maybe if the poster really needed validation and support she could have phrased it a different way? I've seen several posts here where women have said they felt like that part of their marriage was in trouble (or non existent) and they needed advice and the topic was not locked.

amother

Fuchsia

Sat, Aug 19 2017, 11:46 pm

imasoftov wrote:

There should be a site called aminormal.com where people can find out how normal they are or aren't.

It should include every kind of poll or study of typical Jewish women's habits, so we can just take a simple 10 page survey and get results graphed out for us.

amother

Saddlebrown

Sat, Aug 19 2017, 11:53 pm

imasoftov wrote:

There should be a site called aminormal.com where people can find out how normal they are or aren't.

Lol I thought of that too but them I read another study in which a majority of women admitted to lying about frequency of z-x in a survey even though it was anonymous.... And I realized, I don't think it's possible to get to the truth about matters like these. There are too many emotions involved.

amother

Seashell

Sun, Aug 20 2017, 12:04 am

Well, comparison is never healthy for most areas of life, but especially the more private areas! There's levels, the more private the matter, the worse it is to compare. Not great to compare how much you spend on groceries, worse to compare how much private time you give each of your kids, and absolute no-no to compare intimate areas. The more private the area, the more danger of awakening jealousy, insecurity, rage, etc when comparing. That's why comparison threads for intimacy get locked over other types.