HELP!!! Separation anxiety- how long is normal??

amother

Jetblack

Thu, Jun 01 2017, 11:19 pm

My toddler was at the babysitter for 2 weeks when I gave birth and ever since he's home, for a week now, he screams and cries all day!! He simply will not let go of the grudge and continue being angry. He won't eat, will not let me dress or change him and clings to dh all the time!! I'm going crazy! I pray every night that when he wakes up he should be his normal self. I'm having such a splitting headache now from all the screeching today. I can't take it anymore!!! He was so good and tamed before!! I need my son back!!

amother

Aquamarine

Thu, Jun 01 2017, 11:27 pm

amother wrote:

Did you see him at all during those 2 weeks?

(as a side note: maybe I don't understand all meanings of the word, but I'm kind of a little confused about your using the word "tamed" when talking about a child)

WhatFor

Thu, Jun 01 2017, 11:40 pm

Mazal tov on your new baby. Why do you think your toddler has a "grudge" and is "angry"? Maybe he's clingy and irritable because he's terrified that you're going to leave again. Did you try telling him that you're back and you're not going to leave him again? Did you talk to him about what it was like with the sitter? Did he know the babysitter very well?

I understand that this is "done" in some communities, but I've seen that some kids, especially at around age 2, can be strongly affected by this, at least in the immediate aftermath. Understand that he truly needs his mama and just keep consoling him and letting him know that you love him and will always be there for him.

amother

Jetblack

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 1:08 am

amother wrote:

No I did not see him in those 2 weeks. And I might have not expressed myself well with the word tamed, but he's naturally a good child. Easy nature and wouldn't scream or cry for every little thing like he does now.

amother

Jetblack

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 1:16 am

WhatFor wrote:

Yes I think he is angry because of the way he looks at me. Like, who are you?? And why did you leave me? he wouldn't come to me when I call him. And he won't talk to me like he did before. Very few words but still something. Like good night and I love you. It's heartbreaking! Feel like I've done the worst thing ever. We talk to him all day that tatty is here, mommy isnt going anywhere. He's 2 now and understands everything. He didnt know the babysitter from before. Never had his experience with any of my other kids. Maybe because they where only 18 months. Idk

reality mom

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 1:23 am

That's precisely the reason I never send my little ones out. They dont understand why they are suddenly in new surroundings, and if they will ever see their Mommy again. It definitely has a long term affect on most kids, especially those that are placed with someone whom they have never seen before. Your son is upset, and it will take some time until he "trusts" you again. In the meantime, try to give him as much TLC as possible, its more important right now than spending time with your newborn, who has not yet bonded fully and has limited attachment and cognitive awareness.
Good luck.

amother

Black

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 1:51 am

I will never understand what people are thinking when they do this.

OP, you sent your son to a complete stranger for two weeks. There is no concept of time for a baby or toddler. To him, you disappeared out of his life, the trauma no different than if you had died.

It can take a long time to undo this sort of thing.

I suggest you contact someone who specializes in RAD (reactive attachment disorder)

FranticFrummie

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 3:15 am

I don't think that 2 weeks is enough to cause RAD, and I do think that a toddler can hold a grudge.

When DD was 18 months I had the chance to go to Israel for super cheap. It was a 2 1/2 week trip. I left her at home with (now ex) DH. Granted, she was in her own home, with her dad, but when I got back she was MAD! She cried and avoided me for a few days, and then got over it.

Now, I didn't come back with a new baby that was suddenly taking up all of my time. I can see how that would be extra traumatic.

OP, I think your child is reacting perfectly normally. My advice is to behave as if everything were fine. Keep reaching out, but don't beg for his attention. Ignore his tantrums, and keep your cool. He'll come around sooner than you think.

Just make sure that you don't let the new baby's needs come between you and your son. You and DH can work as a team on this (and you and DH can really bond this way.) When the baby needs something that DH can handle, have him take over. If your son needs something, have DH tell him "go tell Mommy". That should get things balanced out pretty quickly.

Mazel tov on your new addition! Now you know that going away for 2 weeks is not a good idea, and will cause more problems than it solves. Better to deal with recovery at home, than to deal with a tantruming toddler when you're still not 100% back on your feet.

By comparison, talk to Iymnok. She has her babies at home, and her kids are always so happy and excited when they are finally invited into the room to meet their new (cleaned up and resting) sibling, and to have a cuddle with mom.

amother

Orange

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 7:15 am

Wow this really saddens me. Better to forgoe having more children than to send away existing children that are this young for so long. A toddler is a baby that needs their mother!! I can't even imagine the pain and anxiety he felt being abandoned. You will have to work very hard to re-build his trust. I just hope this experience doesn't permanently impact his psychological well being.

newmother

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 9:37 am

Whenever a toddler has a new sibling it is entirely normal for them to be clingy and tantrum more often for at least two months until they get used to having a baby in the house and mommy busy with someone else.

When you add in the two week separation from parents with (most of the time) no contact with parents, away from siblings and familiar adults, plus no advance explanation that mommy is having a baby and you are going to be staying at X's house... then it is totally normal that your son is not well behaved.

Please realize that this is normal and allow him to express his feelings (anger, fear.) It will take much longer than a week for these feelings to go away but they will if he is allowed to have and express them. Give him lots of attention and reassure him that you love him even though you had a baby and had to go away for two weeks.

amother

Azure

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 1:35 pm

I'll be blunt op. This is a horrible disgusting thing to do. The worst part is you don't even understand. Of course he is angry! You abandoned him to a stranger(!) For 2 weeks. Sick behavior.
I'm sorry but just because other women in your community do this don't feel you need to do it too. It's not normal.
Litvish women manage just fine having their toddler at home 2 days after birth. That is life. You just manage. And if you can't, stop having more babies.
Sorry for being so blunt and rude but this makes me so mad!

lucky14

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 2:59 pm

Some of the responses are being said a little too harshly I think. Saying such harsh things wont help the OP. It's easier to listen to people's suggestions and opinions when they are said a nicely.

You basically abandoned your child and he's upset about it. It's a very scary thing for him. You say he understands- but he does not understand that he can trust you now that you wont disappear again. It's going to take time and patience. Be as gentle and loving as you can. As at least one other person said- he's kind of priority now over your new baby. Of course make sure the baby's needs are met and he's cuddled and loved- but you need to show your toddler that you still love him. I know you are frustrated with how he is behaving but you can't let him see that you're frustrated.He really has every right and reason to be upset and scared. This may take a while. Or he may bounce back soon. But really... please don't do this again. Please learn from this.

dancingqueen

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 3:00 pm

What's done is done for ops 2 year old. Op make sure to give him a lot of love and reassurance. What he went through is a trauma for for a 2 year old.

My question is for other in this situation, if you are paying a stranger to watch your kid, why not pay someone to help out in the home, much less scary for a toddler.

WhatFor

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 6:03 pm

amother wrote:

Yes. Apparently this is a "thing" in some chassidish communities.

This issue has been discussed before and from what I understood from chassidish posters, I thought the child was usually sent to a close relative. While some children might be upset, and the setup may not be for everyone (not for me), I think there's a vast difference between sending your child to an aunt or Grandma they already know and love and sending a child to a stranger. In some communities, extended family is very very close, to the point where they're always at each other's house, doing everything together, etc. I wonder if when this practice started it was only to very close relatives and then it evolved.

In any case, obviously not ideal for a two year old. My friend went abroad and left her two year old with her dh and other children. He cried every day she was gone (which was probably less than two weeks.) For a while afterward, he got hysterical every time she left the house. He was generally a laid- back kid and eventually reverted back to being same happy child, but two year olds do need their mother, so his reaction is appropriate.

All op can do now is give her son tons of love and affection.

behappy2

Fri, Jun 02 2017, 7:15 pm

amother wrote:

Actually the problem is in the disintegration of community and family. No mother should have to shoulder the burden of motherhood alone. I learned this the hard way. I think that this is one thing that the Chassidish community has gotten right.