He just doesn't listen

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Preschoolers

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amother

Periwinkle

Wed, Aug 23 2017, 1:08 pm

My 4 year old just doesn't listen. He does dangerous things without a care, he plays with things he knows he's not allowed to touch, and he can undo a room that's just been cleared up in 30 seconds (and then refuse to clean his mess). We are not a permissive household, the other kids don't do what they know is unacceptable in our home. I mean, they're not perfect, they all have their struggles and they've all at times done things they one not to because, hey, kids do that sometimes. But the 4 year old is just beyond! And yes we give him tons of positive attention (he really is a sweetheart, always sharing, looking out for siblings, etc), consequences are consistent, appropriate, and immediate, we try to not set him up for failure- so things we don't want him getting into are placed out of reach, although sometimes we forget or he figures out a way to past whatever obstacles are in his way- and yet he continues to just do a million and one things a day that he knows full well are not allowed. And I'm not talking about minor things, I mean he does actually dangerous things like running off while we're out or trying to play with something expensive and breakable that he somehow got ahold of. I don't know what to do with him!
I do plan on looking into the possibility of ADHD (it runs in the family), but he's still too young, right?

amother

Peach

Wed, Aug 23 2017, 1:21 pm

It's not necessary to get a full blown diagnosis of ADHD if you're really looking for advice on how to manage his impulsivity. You can work with a child psychologist on that aspect, a diagnosis is not required.

amother

Plum

Wed, Aug 23 2017, 1:24 pm

Normal! Maybe his kindergarten Morah will straighten him out! That's what I am hoping for! Never met your child so I have no idea if it is out of the normal range...I am dealing with the same thing...kids don't want to listen!

mha3484

Wed, Aug 23 2017, 1:25 pm

My Child is very similar. He started with a fantastic masters level counselor who has a lot of experience working with boys when he was 4 almost 5 and it has helped so much. I wish we started earlier. He did eventually get a diagnosis but it was not necessary for him to get the help he needed.

amother

Periwinkle

Wed, Aug 23 2017, 1:27 pm

amother wrote:

Oh, the point of diagnosis would be to get him the help he needs, if he indeed needs extra help. I'm perfectly happy to take advice on what to do in the meantime, because it is so exhausting having to keep seven eyes on him at all times and still dealing with the same thing day after day.

mha3484

Wed, Aug 23 2017, 1:35 pm

We had an issue with my child not playing appropriately because he is very immature and impulsive so the school suggested he see someone for that. After a few sessions, the therapist pointed out that there is a variety of things he can help with in terms of managing impulses and if we wanted to we could continue to bring DS to see him. Where I live we pay privately for this so maybe that is why you need a formal diagnosis?

amother

Periwinkle

Wed, Aug 23 2017, 6:23 pm

Yes, a formal diagnosis would mean either services provided from the school district, or insurance coverage for professionals. I have a child with autism and our insurance covers 16 hours a week of ABA therapy because he has a diagnosis. Anyway, I just want to know what to do with this child. I need some ideas! Oh yeah, another thing he does- he raids the fridge, which is a problem for a number of reasons. And again, we tell him that he can't just eat an entire container of something without asking, and still, every day, I find we've run out of something that should have lasted because he's gone and helped himself. He's such a sweet little smush, but he's also driving me to drink Drunken Smile

amother

Peach

Wed, Aug 23 2017, 6:27 pm

If you want a formal diagnosis for services, there are definitely neurologists that would be happy to sign off on that. Regardless of the services or insurance coverage that brings, I strongly recommend that you make a point of working with a therapist on how to parent him.

amother

Periwinkle

Wed, Aug 23 2017, 6:38 pm

What kind of therapist? Like a child psychologist? One who specializes in ADHD? Is ABA helpful for ADHD-like issue, or only ASD?

amother

Blush

Sat, Aug 26 2017, 3:58 pm

4 years old is not too early for an ADHD diagnosis - so look into it.

Some kind of behavior therapy would definitely be helpful.

In the meantime, try to make your house more childproof - if he raids the fridge, put on a child lock (though my 4 year old proudly opens all the child locks) or combination lock or and give everyone older than him the combination. If he breaks fragile things, get rid of all fragile things (we have nothing glass in our house - not even a flower vase). If he runs off while you're out make sure someone is holding his hand or get a 'leash' (these are not as bad as they seem, I have a friend who grew up with them and she was fine with it). Our house is insanely child proof, and it makes a difference. And when we go out, I (or someone else responsible) am never more than 2 feet away from my 4 year old.

amother

Purple

Sat, Aug 26 2017, 9:46 pm

ADHD runs in my family. I get you. I strongly suspect one of my kids have it. Slightly and the other might have some traits.

Make your house childproof

I lock away my knives and dangerous things every night. No kidding.

And my kids room makes a noise when she opens the door so I know she's up And I can he up with her.

It's hard. Very hard. But at the same time, know that your child has great potential. My father accomplished alot, not in spite of, but BECAUSE of his adhd. He took his struggles and turned it into assets. He grew up in rural Romania in the times before everyone needed to fit in a box. So that worked out great for him.

The kid that I suspect has adhd, is such a sweetheart. She shares so nicely with other kids. She's the kid who walks over to every crying child and tries to help. The kid who always greets everyone so nicely and is kind to everyone. She's also brilliant kyh waaay above average. And she's super curious. Has a million and one questions and needs an answer THIS SECOND.

What I do to manage my kids impulsivity, I try to keep my house childproof as much as possible. I try to "catch" her doing good stuff. and when she's impulsive, I ignore it as much as possible at this stage. (She's only 4). If she does something dangerous or destructive / hurtful to herself or others, I do Sarah yaraslowitz's "separate without comment" technique. It works like a charm. Until the next time (5 seconds later.) Lol. At least the situation gets resolved without any negative feelings/interactions.

My mother would beat us for most of the stuff I ignore/separate. And my kid is much better behaved than most of the neurotypical kids. (And better behaved than me and my siblings were) - (talking about meltdowns and social interactions NOT impulsivity of course.)

Another thing that might work, my sister has a system where one kid is in "charge" of her adhd 4 yo son at very busy times. Like if they get ready for a road trip, or whatever, one of her teenagers will be in charge for those 20 minutes to entertain him. And keep him busy so that it doesn't get chaotic.

miami85

Sat, Aug 26 2017, 9:50 pm

This may sound like a strange solution, but this sounds all-too-familiar, and 9/10 times when my son gets like this--and it happens a LOT (my son just turned 5)-- it means he has to go to the bathroom. In my case there are some underlying anxiety issues--but its definitely not ADHD. Personally, and professionally, I don't like the diagnosis of "ADHD" b/c it really doesn't tell you anything. Telling me "Attention Deficict Hyperactivity Disorder" is no different than telling me "sniffling, coughing, sneezing, fever"--doesn't tell me if its a cold, flu, or another virus. The ADHD medications only quiet the symptoms if they are truly occurring on a neuro-biological level. If there's other factors--anxiety, stomach/bathroom issues (gas can cause irritability and "ants in the pants" syndrome). That said, ADHD often causes "executive functioning issues"--planning, safety awareness, organization. Which in the brain is found in the section of the brain that is the last to develop--which is why 4 yr olds are rather immature.

amother

Periwinkle

Sat, Aug 26 2017, 10:21 pm

miami85 wrote:

Funny you mention the bathroom. He's actually still not potty trained. That's also making me tear my hair out... However, when I say 4, I mean he's turning 4 next week, so he's on the young end of 4 (as opposed to nearly 5).

miami85

Sat, Aug 26 2017, 10:28 pm

amother wrote:

My son started this behavior pattern also when he was not yet 4--and its been on-going ever since.

amother

Oak

Sat, Aug 26 2017, 10:57 pm

Not OP, but I have a similar situation. Can anyone recommend a professional who would work with the child or parents to help improve things? (I live in Long Island, NY).

amother

Gold

Sat, Aug 26 2017, 11:06 pm

I would like to suggest simple diet changes for these children. No food coloring whatsoever (helped one of preschoolers immensely), gluten free is hard but definitely may help, no MSG, dairy can also contribute, limit heavily processed foods, fish oil, epsom baths.
These are really things I have seen help. I am not saying a behavioral therapist may not also be needed but I have seen such improvements when diet has been changed

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