stop blaming your mom!!!!!!! VENT

crust

Fri, Sep 01 2017, 12:26 pm

Zehava wrote:

Op I know people like you irl, people who are so afraid of their children blaming them one day, that they'd rather excuse their parents abuse, or worse blame themselves for it in the hopes that their children will do the same. That is some messed up attitude never mind inaffective. The cycle has got to stop somewhere. Sometime someone has to say enough. I choose myself to be that someone so my children won't have to. So they can have normal lives. If as you say they blame me one day, I will listen, validate, and try to make it up to them. However unlike you I don't live in mortal fear of that happening. My focus is for them to grow up to be emotionally healthy. I don't really think about what they will say to me when they are adults. It is so beside the point.
Like I said I know people like you irl so I don't expect you to understand a word I'm saying. This post is for everyone else here that you are trying to scare and manipulate with senseless threats.

Thanks Zahava.
I was debating about posting something along these lines but was afraid it wont be understood.
Thanks for putting it out and so clearly!

Last edited by crust on Fri, Sep 01 2017, 12:46 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Sapphire

Fri, Sep 01 2017, 12:33 pm

Baby pink, being a drop better isn't enough and you seem to be ok that your only trying a little to be a better mother for your dc.
Op, let me see if I understand you.
If someone was beaten weekly by their parents and cursed out, and they in turn grow up to beat their child (but don't curse them out) is that enough of an improvement? I'm just trying to understand where u draw the line.

amother

Salmon

Fri, Sep 01 2017, 12:39 pm

amother wrote:

When you put it this way, it made me realize that us mom's who are working to honestly break the cycle of abuse are real heroes! Not only do we have to learn that we are okay, and not to question everything we do, but we also have create new patterns of behavior with our loved ones.

So for all of you mom's out there who are actively breaking that cycle Cheers

crust

Fri, Sep 01 2017, 12:47 pm

amother wrote:

Ill add;

amother

Yellow

Fri, Sep 01 2017, 12:51 pm

amother wrote:

I totally agree. I feel parents who say this usually aren't trying hard to work on themselves. They live through life.

My father has said this so many times. He hit us with belts and yelled and screamed. We lived in terror. But, he didn't lock us in our rooms like his mother. So, I should stop blaming him. He tried so hard and I'm just being an ungrateful child who is blaming rather than taking responsibility. l I've heard this speech from him so many times.

For me, I feel like laughing. I take responsibity for my actions. My husband and I are totally self supporting. We put ourselves through school. We got mentors. I went to therapy. He on the other hand didn't work on himself to become the complete human being he could have. I'm proud to say that I never lifted a hand to my children even when I was approaching that. I try very hard not to yell. I apologize when I go too far. I'm not scared of my kids hating me because I gave it my all. I'm comfortable in myself, in my parenting with where I am in life and my kids know it. On the other hand, all I saw was an adult lose it. So I'm supposed to do what with that, say it's ok, say he tried.? No, he was wrong. He lost it. He did hurt me. I changed, I grew. I never blame. I teach my amazing kids the same. I teach them the amazing capacity of the human too grow toward gd and cv to cause destruction.

All he sees though is me blaming him for a bad childhood he saw as beautiful...

It's all perspective. He clearly doesn't see mine.

crust

Fri, Sep 01 2017, 1:03 pm

amother wrote:

Beautifull post. You seem like amazing person. I love your perspective.

amother

Linen

Fri, Sep 01 2017, 3:07 pm

Ruchel wrote:

Comes an age it's time to move on from your childhood and take your responsibilities. My father was a hidden child at non Jews, then he got arrested and knew the Germans from up close. It's only through his CHOICES that today he has a nice Jewish wife and kah many grandchildren.

Your 100 percent correct, except for 1 thing. The germans were not his parents. Parents are supposed to care and protect their children. When those same parents turn into the abusers it creats complete trauma in the human brain. Your grandfather went through terrible unbelievable traumas, but in his heart of hearts he knew even if his parents were killed they died loving him. Theres a very major major big difference there

rachel0615

Sun, Sep 03 2017, 12:23 am

amother wrote:

Babypink thank you.

Other than that I'm pretty sad about how this whole thread turned out.

Oh well that's the internet I guess.

All you people who are so mad at their parents, what are you going to do when all of your children are equally mad at you.

Zehava in particular your post was so hurtful and so just plain wrong. Because I have done whole lot better than my parents did, and I can see that they in turn did a whole lot better than theirs. No one is talking about blaming, only forgiving.

We never know what someine else childhood looked like and people can't turn their feelings off. My mom is bipolar, has depression, threatened suicide, left suicide notes around as a manipulation tactic, put my family into debt by shopping for insane expenses, stole and sold my bat mitzvah gifts etc.and is completely narcisistiv and yet still thinks she is the best mother. My husband always says, I thought I understood your childhood and it can't get worse and then I hear a new part of it abd realize I don't ubderstand it at all.

I know all this and yet the need for a mother never goes away . planning a wedding by yourself, adjusting to married life with no mother to call for support- there are no words. The fear of becoming her to your own kids is crippling to no end. I will continue building myself up and mothering myself but my anger and blame will remain. And I'm not sorry for that.

My point of this post is that I think you do not understand how objectively horrible some mothers can be. Additionally even if someone has an average mom but their emotional needs r unique and their needs were not meant- their pain is real. Open your heart to that reality and your frustration with certain posts will disapeer.

sneakermom

Sun, Sep 03 2017, 1:24 am

Mothering is about connection.
When we hurt our kids we mess up that connection. And we also mess their connection to themselves.

The child finds themself miserable because their primary love, the mother can no longer be trusted. A disconnect is formed.

And the trauma often makes them disconnect from themselves as well. In which they feel mostly numb, out of it, or just generally unhappy.

Very often they have no idea what happened to them. It's a confusing, messed up experience.

By putting the pieces together. Making sense of the experience. And finally holding the ones responsible, responsible.

An adult child can reclaim their life. Reconnect to themselves. And then connect in a more real way to others.

It's a priceless gift to return. To get your true self back. After being told lies your whole life. That it's your fault. And you deserve to stay lost forever.

And that's why blame is valuable. Not as an excuse to cop out of responsibility. Not as a way to hurt an abusive parent. But as a way to heal.

Every hurt child deserves to heal. Just like every beaten down mom deserves to heal.

It's best not to tell people how to interpret their lives. But to open your heart to hear both sides.

To understand that there's a reason that you are so fed up with mommy blaming. And a reason people blame their parents.

It sounds like you've tried really hard to be good. To your family. Your kids. But you know you've fallen short as well. And you hope your kids forgive you. That they don't hurt you back.

The fact is we all fall short. We all hurt the ones we love most. By default. By being so close to them.

The way to heal for both of you. Is not to tell them to suck it up. To see that even the bad was good.

But to realize that the bad was bad for you. And bad for them. But you still love them. Always will. And you acknowledge the mistakes and how much it hurts you.

That's the atmosphere in which healthy forgiveness is formed. That's true love. For yourself and your children.

sneakermom

Sun, Sep 03 2017, 1:25 am

crust

Sun, Sep 03 2017, 1:35 am

sneakermom wrote:

Thanks for taking your time to spell it out!!

Ruchel

Sun, Sep 03 2017, 8:02 am

amother wrote:

Father, as I said. And I didn't say anything about his parents being killed. BUT, so many of his peers did bad choices. I won't go into details, all kinds of bad choices. Because after a certain age and time it does become a choice, as per my father. Barring being mamash insane, lo alenu.

Mommyg8

Thu, Sep 07 2017, 6:14 pm

amother wrote:

When my mother apologized for my childhood, and expressed her regret and guilt, it made me feel worse. Until then I dismissed it for the reasons you mentioned. But I'm still dealing with unresolved issues that my parents knew about as a teen and they ignored it. If you knew your otherwise normal 13 year old started experimenting with drugs (an example) and ignored it until she became a full blown addict and suffers to this day, then yes, you deserve the blame. You have a responsibility to take care of your child when they don't know how to.

No. Just no.