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Kids complain that house is messy



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amother
Turquoise


 

Post Thu, Sep 07 2017, 10:42 am
But they make the messes and then won't clean up. I've pointed this out to them, and they make a half-hearted attempt, whine that cleaning up is too hard, and then complain that our house messy Rolling Eyes Now, I will admit, I'm a lousy housekeeper. I'm naturally messy and disorganized, as is DH. We have a lot of cleaning help, which of course keeps things clean around here, but doesn't do anything for organization. And frankly, neither of us are going to change in the foreseeable future. I don't even really care all that much about mess, as long as it's not gross and dirty and DH is of the same mind. So I tell the kids (well, the ones that are old enough), if it bothers you, then you take care of it to your satisfaction. Or, like, don't dump 800,000 legos on the floor if you're not prepared to put 800,000 legos back in the tub they came from. And yet, every day it happens again and they complain about it. What else can I do here?
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 07 2017, 10:53 am
I have no words. You can tell them that they have a tremendous amount of chutzpah and that either they should clean up or stop complaining. And if they complain again they will get a consequence. Tell them the consequence, and stick with it.
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amother
Turquoise


 

Post Thu, Sep 07 2017, 11:02 am
I have done the "anything that doesn't get put away by x time gets given away or thrown away" consequence. And some things did indeed get given/thrown away. It works for a bit, and then they slide back into old ways.
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mha3484




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 07 2017, 11:04 am
I am the mean mommy. I sweep everything into a pile and give them a deadline to clean up or its garbage. I tell my oldest clearly if your stuff is on the floor I will assume you dont want it anymore and its hefker. Either he picks it up or its garbage and he will kvetch hes bored next time he wants the toy.
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33055




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 07 2017, 11:08 am
amother wrote:
But they make the messes and then won't clean up. I've pointed this out to them, and they make a half-hearted attempt, whine that cleaning up is too hard, and then complain that our house messy Rolling Eyes Now, I will admit, I'm a lousy housekeeper. I'm naturally messy and disorganized, as is DH. We have a lot of cleaning help, which of course keeps things clean around here, but doesn't do anything for organization. And frankly, neither of us are going to change in the foreseeable future. I don't even really care all that much about mess, as long as it's not gross and dirty and DH is of the same mind. So I tell the kids (well, the ones that are old enough), if it bothers you, then you take care of it to your satisfaction. Or, like, don't dump 800,000 legos on the floor if you're not prepared to put 800,000 legos back in the tub they came from. And yet, every day it happens again and they complain about it. What else can I do here?


You can't expect kids to organize your house. You say you are messy and disorganized. It is not fair to throw this on them. They need a leader and a system. Kids don't want to be embarrassed by a messy household.

If you have the money, hire someone to organize your house and throw out excess. It sounds like you need a housekeeper rather than just cleaning help.
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amother
Firebrick


 

Post Thu, Sep 07 2017, 12:32 pm
Squishy wrote:
You can't expect kids to organize your house. You say you are messy and disorganized. It is not fair to throw this on them. They need a leader and a system. Kids don't want to be embarrassed by a messy household.

If you have the money, hire someone to organize your house and throw out excess. It sounds like you need a housekeeper rather than just cleaning help.

This. OP, I hear you- it doesn't come very naturally to me because I grew up in a house where it wasn't a priority. Actually, I was happy to organize things outside of home- straightening the siddurs and chumashim at shul, for instance, so maybe I have some natural ability- I've always liked patterns and any kind of game involving them.

I'm making a huge effort now, partly because dh does care but works long hours and while not adding to the mess can't help much with organizing it, partly because I really care about fire safety and clear paths, partly because I want my kids to grow up with this skill.

Are any of the biggest complainers over age 5 or so and like games that involve sorting or patterns? Sit down with them and ask them if they have ideas of how you could organize. I got fed up with not being able to find things in the linen closet when I was a teenager and made a deal with my mother- who was happy to have it cleaned but didn't have the energy to do it herself- to organize the whole closet in exchange for something, I think an art supply I wanted. My mother picked up some organizational bins and I got the whole thing done in about 2.5 days of summer break.

With my own, who are preschool age and younger, I'm the mean mommy in that I won't let them pull out more than one toy with many pieces at once. E.g. one or two farm animals or dollhouse dolls along with the duplos if they want to build a house or a barn, but all duplos must be cleaned up before pulling out a puzzle or anything else with lots of pieces. All loose duplos (I.e. not in whatever main structure they've been building) cleaned up before moving on to anything else including snack. No toys EVER left in the hallway because of fire/tripping hazard, no toys in the kitchen for cleanliness, no toys in the bathroom other than tub toys.

What I will turn a blind eye to, maybe sort once or twice a month if I think it's getting out of hand or just have the time and energy- contained messes such as dolls and furniture randomly shoved into dollhouse or toy food and dishes piled up precariously on the kitchen set; clean clothing messily shoved around in their drawers from when they've gone hunting for a favorite shirt. If I forgot to remind them about cleanup before things got out of control, I'll do a large percentage of the cleanup because it's my job as the parent to stay on top of things- they don't have the executive function yet to pick up a big mess all on their own.
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amother
Aqua


 

Post Thu, Sep 07 2017, 1:30 pm
I grew up in messy home that I was incredibly embarrassed of. I'm messy myself. Your mess looks different to you then other people's mess Wink Its also different when you feel like if you clean up your stuff it will actually get neat. In my case I knew no matter how on top of my own stuff I could be I was absolutely powerless about other people's stuff so it felt a little bit like why bother the place will still be a complete and utter wreck and it wasn't my imagination it really would have.

I've moved out and the house got messier and messier to the point that it probably would qualify for a reality tv show, not better until it got to the point where the biggest mess maker realized it was out of control and hired professional This was an adult we are referring to; toddlers aren't going to hire a personal organizer Wink

If your big kids who complain clean up their own mess will the house still be a mess, answer this question honestly for yourself. You want to get to the point where the answer will be no and then I think you will have a lot more success in getting them to clean up. I wasn't allowed to clean up after other people but even if I could I think I would have felt resentful.
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dancingqueen




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 07 2017, 1:33 pm
Squishy wrote:
You can't expect kids to organize your house. You say you are messy and disorganized. It is not fair to throw this on them. They need a leader and a system. Kids don't want to be embarrassed by a messy household.

If you have the money, hire someone to organize your house and throw out excess. It sounds like you need a housekeeper rather than just cleaning help.


I have to agree. Op, even if you and dh don't mind, many people find it stressful to live in a very disorganized environment. Cleaning help is to clean, not organize, and they can't even really clean if the house is very cluttered. Getting some organizational help may be a good idea, and there are also a lot of ideas online. A lot of imamothers recommend flylady.
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amother
Blue


 

Post Thu, Sep 07 2017, 1:42 pm
Your kids may not have the tools to organize if they haven't been taught by you or your husband.
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amother
Turquoise


 

Post Thu, Sep 07 2017, 2:04 pm
I've gotten organization help before. I usually get someone to come in once or twice a year. I do a big purge of stuff then. Nothing ever holds up, I'm just not very good at keeping up the systems. Should I just make it a monthly thing? I have tried flylady and slob comes clean and all those things, none of them ever worked for me. I've just come to accept this about myself and stopped caring.
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amother
Aqua


 

Post Thu, Sep 07 2017, 2:07 pm
where do you live? I would suggest getting someone who is familiar with working with people who aren't good at maintaining systems Wink
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LittleDucky




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 07 2017, 3:01 pm
I do a slob comes clean. Fly lady didn't work for me with chagim, shabbos, kids... I was behind before I even started!
It is a two sided problem. One is "household mess" and the other is kids mess. Decide on your own (with DH if he would be involved in cleaning up something) what is manageable for you.
I am assuming your kids are older. Have a daily chore list. And have it rotate daily if possible. Hang it up on the wall. Certain things might always be Mommy's job due to technical skills and/or danger (ironing?). Everyday after school the chore must be done or no dessert/early bedtime etc. stick to the consequence and reward those who follow through. Remember that it is a new skill so praise profusely and gently point out one mistake (and don't critique every little thing!)
it rotates so kids all realize that cleaning up 14000 Legos and 42 place settings from the toy kitchen and 1678 puzzle pieces isn't fun. So they will naturally try to limit. Also kids get a chance to learn new skills (folding laundry, taking out trash, sweeping, doing dishes...) which will be helpful in the long run.

Keep to your system. Make family meetings to see what exactly is "messy"- toys? laundry piled on the couch not put away? Crumbs on the floor? And tailor your chores appropriately.

I like a slob comes clean 10 minute pickup idea. Set the timer and clean something visible. Everyone pitches in. Throw out trash. Put away laundry. Toys picked up. Books put back on the bookcase.
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Blue jay




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 07 2017, 11:16 pm
amother wrote:
I have done the "anything that doesn't get put away by x time gets given away or thrown away" consequence. And some things did indeed get given/thrown away. It works for a bit, and then they slide back into old ways.


Insist that they clean up. You work hard enough. This has nothing to do with your personal cleaning habits. Likely most of the mess comes from the kids. Do you dump legos on the floor?
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amother
Violet


 

Post Fri, Sep 08 2017, 10:43 am
I could tell you how I handle it with dh, but I don't know how that would work on your kids. I'm always as specific as possible. Dh complains that the house is messy, and I point out that the dirty socks on the desk are his, and he has more dirty socks on the couch and the floor around the couch. He puts his socks in the hamper and tells me I should really clean up since the house is so messy. I ask him if it could possibly be messy because of a week's worth of his dirty underwear all over the bedroom floor. He grumbles and cleans it up and complains that it's still messy and he doesn't know why he's cleaning it, not me. I ask him if I'm the one who got the bathroom floor wet or smeared #2 on the toilet seat. I also tell him that the house would look and smell cleaner if he would start flushing the toilet after use. He complains that the toilet is too far from the door as he would actually have to walk into the bathroom to flush, and I point out that he needs to walk in to wash his hands too. Dh then asks me if I would start cleaning the house every day if he starts putting his clothes in the hamper and flushing the toilet. I ask him whose dirty tissues and granola bar wrappers are scattered throughout the kitchen and living room. It could take an hour of me being very specific, but dh eventually cleans up his messes. We have this conversation at least once a month, sometimes more often, but I never bring it up, I wait for dh to complain about the mess.
If you are the one making the mess, it's a different story. Does everyone in your family know where the garbage, hamper, and toilet are? I feel like I'm constantly introducing dh to them and by the next day he forgets, but once he gets really annoyed with the messes he makes, it only takes a few reminders to get him on track for the day. If your kids all know to put garbage in the garbage can, dirty clothes in the hamper, and to get their stuff in the toilet, that already reduces most of the mess. All that's left are toys and the mess from meals. I clean up after every meal, but you can decide who is responsible for what in your house. Kids could definitely clean up their own toys. It's up to you to decide how often it should be done.
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33055




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 08 2017, 12:50 pm
amother wrote:
I've gotten organization help before. I usually get someone to come in once or twice a year. I do a big purge of stuff then. Nothing ever holds up, I'm just not very good at keeping up the systems. Should I just make it a monthly thing? I have tried flylady and slob comes clean and all those things, none of them ever worked for me. I've just come to accept this about myself and stopped caring.


But your kids care. Perhaps your regular help can to keep the place organized. You may need different help - the kind capable of organizing. Maybe you need more help. You can give your help a list of the chores.

I suggest stop buying things. If you are purging one or twice a year, you are bringing in too much stuff. Limit the toys to the playroom and food to the table for kids.

I have a lot of help because I don't want to be a slave to a house. Much of my help is spent on organization. I don't want to be picking up all day either.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 08 2017, 1:23 pm
I find that if I organize ALONG with the kids they are more open to it the. Just leaving them to their own devices. I'll pick the magma tiles while my kid picks up the Playmobile. My house is a mess quite often. I have found that when I slack off my kids slack off.. when they see me putting things in order they get motivated to do the same. Otherwise it can be seriously overwhelming. The house I grew up in was littered with stuff in every nook and cranny. I know this sounds weird, but our lives were a chaotic mess emotionally . I definitely believe that the lack of organization and cleanliness in the home led to that emotional mess as well.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 08 2017, 1:25 pm
Delet double post
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