Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Parenting our children
Help me clarify the right approach



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother
Chartreuse


 

Post Sun, Sep 24 2017, 4:06 am
Gmar Chasima Tova y'all!

So over Rosh Hashana I had a little epiphany about something that's been bothering me for a whole lotta years. Not an answer, but a question at least - hurray for that!

See, I've not been too happy about my parenting for a while. I used to enjoy being around my kids and for the last ummm.... several years (yikes!) I find myself avoiding it more.

So I finally figured out WHY it's happening, and decided to crowdsource some ideas of how to fix it.

With the introduction out of the way, I'll launch into the meat and potatoes of the matter (if you can look at any more after a 3-day Yom Tov!):

My dear and delightful children are very intense. Like sulk for several hours, super stubborn, temper tantrums at older ages, whine for incredible lengths of time intense.

Now although their behavior might be a warning sign for some other kids, I do not believe that there is anything to "fix" here, and that's not what I'm looking to do. I see that they save their "intense" moments for me, so I'm not worried about them lacking awareness or becoming monsters as adults.

The main problem for me is that I lack a consistent way of reacting to them.

OK, this is totally coming out jumbled. Let me try giving an example:

I say, "OK guys, let's go on a trip!" So most of them run around trying to find their shoes, I help the young 'uns, locate the errant sneaker under the couch, herd everyone mostly to the car, and then one child bangs into another child accidentally and said child spills some water on her shirt and now everything is ruined because that was the shirt she was PLANNING on wearing and now it is wet and she DOESN'T want to change and now she doesn't want to come on the trip at all.

But she HAS to come, because I can't leave her alone unsupervised. So if she doesn't go, NOBODY goes.

So how do I react?

Sometimes I go all "firm parent" and say "I'm sorry about the water on your shirt, it will dry, and I'll bring you an extra shirt if you still want to change when we get there, but you need to come into the car now." But this is not always effective. My dear children are very stubborn and will sit on the floor, refusing to budge, and I will need to lift or drag them to come.

Sometimes I go caring and try to work with said child to get over the feelings and sympathize and commiserate and make everything better, but although this is effective, it is extremely time-consuming and then the rest of the kids in the car are starting their own meltdowns because "you promised to take us on a trip and we've been waiting so long!"

Sometimes I get mean and threaten them to "come right now or else you will lose [privelege] [treat] [prize]" which can SOMETIMES work but not always and I find I need to keep escalating the threats if the first don't work which gets totally ridiculous.

Or an analogous case, where child (any of them) begins their meltdown as we are about to play a game.

I could in such a case tell the child, "fine, you won't play with us," but then said child will quite likely begin to shriek incomprehensibly, not allowing any of us to hear enough to play. If we try to relocate to another room, child will follow us. If I remove child to another floor, child will come back downstairs, and although I can press repeat and repeat and remove child again and again, I most certainly can't play a game that way.

In other words, I'm always having one child pitted against the many children, and due to their intensity the "standard" parenting tricks don't seem to be working. Worse, what will help the individual will invariably hurt the rest of them. (Of course, this happens to a lesser degree with babies and toddlers of all families, but that's easier to find the "right" answer for, and that age can always be confined to a crib or baby gate if all else fails.)

So my responses are all over the map because I don't know what I "should" be doing, and so I always feel like I'm doing it "wrong." This depletes my energy to no end, and then I just want to go. away. from. the. kids.

Of course, in addition to figuring out what to do in the moment, I will continue working on giving each child lots of personal attention to try to minimize any exacerbation of such situations in general. But my main question is - what is the right response in such a moment?

I apologize for writing such a Megillah when we've got quite a ways to go until Purim!

Thank you in advance for all insight!
Back to top

FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 24 2017, 9:07 am
I wish I had a magic answer for you. All I can say is that you sound like a caring and AMAZING mother! I'm very impressed! Hug
Back to top

imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 24 2017, 9:08 am
You sound like most of us.

So, this response is directed as much at myself as at anyone else.

Would that we knew which response in the arsenal would work in any given moment! We try.

Sometimes, we fail.

You need to give up on the idea that there is one right response. There isn't, and occasional failures are good for all of us.

It's important to stay stay aware of the successful moments, so as not to be sure you are a parenting failure in the less successful ones. Be sure to pat yourself on the back for them, and teach everyone the importance of hakaras hatov. You -- and they --should express appreciation for what goes right, and for effort.

All that being said, it sounds like a little extra preparation might help you. Bribery is sometimes useful, too. It works better than punishment.

Delegation is key. The older kids can enjoy helping, and get over their own issues more quickly when they are asked to be the mature ones.

Play cheerleader. Don't give anyone the power to ruin things for the rest.

"OK, everybody, today is trip day! At 10:00, we will need to be in the car, dressed and ready. If we make it, we can have a (extra hour at the fun place, treat, whatever will work). Who wants to try? I'm going to assign each older kid who can handle it to a younger buddy. Let's see if you can work as a team!"

"It's 9:30, car time is coming soon. Older kids, what will you need to do to be ready? I'm going to help the younger ones."

Call the bluff.

"Oh, dear, the baby spilled water on DD's shirt! Buddy sibling, can you help her get a new one super quick, while I start loading the car?" (DD: to "no, I can't go at all if I can't wear that shirt!". You:"OK, goodbye, we'll miss you! Everyone else into the car, I'm calling the babysitter!")

Anticipate. Think over likely trouble spots in advance. (Uh oh, DD is moody, she might explode during a family game. How can I settle her ahead of time? Maybe I'll warn the others, maybe I can arrange a nap or a playdate. Maybe I can set up a separate game for her that I can play with her in between my turns on the family game.)

With meltdowns, catching them before they lose control is key. When that hasn't happened, then the game will have to begin without you, while you attend to the one who needs calming.

Be sure to run post mortems. "DS, what got you so upset this afternoon at game time? How could you handle things to get what you needed and not get so upset? Let's make a strategy...". "DD's, you saw how DS was having a tantrum today. What do you think he could have done to get what he needed without a meltdown? How do you think he was feeling? What strategies do you use whenever you feel like that? Maybe I can share them with him.") Which, of course, is less about coming up with something for Today's Tantrumer, and more about developing the thought in Tomorrow's Tantrumer that she has the ability to make choices and stay in control.

Make sure you are getting some time to yourself. Everyone needs breaks, and things that help them feel good.

To reiterate what I said in the beginning, don't beat yourself up for the mistakes. And don't beat them up in your head either. Try making a list at bedtime every night of one positive thing each child did that day. Be sure to tell them tomorrow how you appreciated that thing.

Forgiveness, time, patience, appreciation.

We all work for these.

May we find increasing success in the coming year.
Back to top

amother
Sapphire


 

Post Sun, Sep 24 2017, 9:26 am
First of all OP, you do not sound like a horrible parent, just a normal one. Normal parents try every trick they can come up with--either that they heard at home, by a friend, a book, whatever, and try to come up with quick fixes to correct unwanted behavior and go on with the day.

Here's my advice: Quick fixes don't fix anything long term. Think of the tantrum as a symptom instead of a behavioral problem. Most tatrums aren't isolated--there have been plenty with similar themes before. Try to find the theme that consistently irks the child. Is it the kid is intense and cannot self regulate easily? Does the kid have a hard time with transitions in general? Is it because the kid is overly obsessed with their appearance or sensory feeling of clothing? Is the child sleeping and eating well?( There are plenty of issues normal people have that don't include abuse or bullying or something dramatic. That's why tantrums are a pretty universal parenting issue)

accepting a kid as "intense" is too general and doesn't target long term change within their specific challenges. On the other hand, accepting a child as "having difficulty with transitions" or "needs help with self-regulation" leaves you with a clear goal that you can work on over time. Depending on the root cause, some kids will need OT, some will need extra one on one time with the parent, some kids need to talk about something going on in school or with their siblings, some kids need social skill help.

This method is not a quick fix/in the moment saving parenting tecnique. It is a long term goal of helping your child with the specific challenges they have with your own intervention or professional intervention. Consistently viewing and targeting the tantrum as a symptom enables you to look at the fuller picture, instead of a kid that is constantly messing up the family tempo.
Back to top

marina




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 24 2017, 9:34 am
My only advice is to focus on teaching coping skills and model them. If something goes wrong and you get upset, talk yourself through it within the kids' earshot. This inaccurate phone bill is annoying but I can handle it. This dress has a stain but I can handle it. Etc.

That might help them figure out the coping skills to deal with spilled water etc.

Other than that, we are all in the same boat with you... I can't stand forcing kids to go on trips.
Back to top

amother
Chartreuse


 

Post Mon, Sep 25 2017, 3:02 am
Thank you all so much for your thoughtful and supportive answers!

FranticFrummie, embarrassed I am so touched. I don't feel like such a great mother a lot, you're helping me maybe start to see myself in a different light. After all, so much of being a good mother is the direction we are trying to go in, right?

Imasinger, your post contains a tremendous amount of wisdom! I've been reading it and rereading it so it will start to sink into my subconscious as well.

My first response was, "but I don't have a babysitter," but then I realized I could always pull out the "next door neighbor" card! It is truly such a difference when you don't NEED the power struggle. I hope to start thinking along the lines you suggested, of creating the backup plans along with the primary plans, so I can't get so unsettled by the (mostly inevitable) flareups.

Thank you Sapphire Amother, you are right that looking for a quick fix is truly a shortsighted approach. In this case, I think it goes along with what Marina brought up, simply demonstrating the ability to have strong emotions and not disintegrate over them.

I've found a lot of success for my younger set in just providing words so that the powerful emotions are not as overwhelming. I can now see that with the older ones it's just not enough to be able to NAME feelings, I need to make sure they see the potential trajectory of feelings, the rising anger or pain or frustration, the centering and grounding self-reminders, and how that leads to a sense of calm or control.

I really appreciate all of your insight, and if someone else would like to chime in I would be extremely grateful! I truly am starting to have hope that this year will provide a real improvement in my parenting, and that I'll be able to go back to really being able to enjoy my feisty crew!
Back to top
Page 1 of 1 Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Anyone else's day feeling pretty regular right now?
by amother
5 Sun, Mar 24 2024, 4:22 pm View last post
Conspiracy theorists right again!
by amother
7 Fri, Mar 15 2024, 8:44 am View last post
Can you help me find the right shirt?
by amother
13 Mon, Mar 04 2024, 5:53 pm View last post
[ Poll ] Help with Bar Mitzvah right before Purim
by amother
7 Mon, Feb 26 2024, 11:48 am View last post
Apparently I’m doing it all wrong or am I doing it right.. 13 Sun, Feb 25 2024, 11:50 pm View last post