What do I do next? (long post) please read, updated

pause

Thu, Sep 28 2017, 8:11 pm

amother wrote:

One very important point: You have to protect her EMOTIONALLY as much as physically. This means, seeing the abuser can be almost as triggering as actually being repeat molested. The first step in convincing your daughter that you believe her and will keep her safe is to make sure she never has to be in the same house as this boy. Children don't lie about these things, and an 8 year old understands what happened.

While I agree with you, it's a far cry to call this boy her abuser. He didn't actually abuse her nor molest her.

amother

Salmon

Fri, Sep 29 2017, 10:56 am

pause wrote:

While I agree with you, it's a far cry to call this boy her abuser. He didn't actually abuse her nor molest her.

True, but he was trying to. He wanted to. He just didn't get to then.
He has not abused her. Has it happened to anyone else?
Especially if his mother is in denial, and he won't be getting treatment, he is a dangerous person to be around.

amother

Crimson

Fri, Sep 29 2017, 12:58 pm

pause wrote:

While I agree with you, it's a far cry to call this boy her abuser. He didn't actually abuse her nor molest her.

I think in a way he is an abuser. He abused her by putting her into that situation and now having that in her head.

I had a similar thing happen to me at about her age with a teen family friend. I said no and never told my parents. I just stayed away from him on my own because in my 9 year old head I was troubled that there was even such a thing as someone asking me to show them my privates. I didn't know the word for it then, but as an adult, I realized he abused my innocence.

amother

Lavender

Sun, Oct 01 2017, 5:02 pm

update:
I spoke to my therapist friend who had advised me at the time. She didn't think there was harm in talking to dd again. She coached me how to have the conversation. to make sure dd doesn't think I don't believe her.

I did that tonight.
It was a big mistake.
well, one think did come out of it- dd definitely did not misunderstand an innocent comment Crying

I am now tentatively unsure if something more happened and dd is scared to tell me about it.
She was so upset that I brought it up again "why did you make me think about it again, now I need to think about something else so it goes away".
She was terrified by the idea that my mil or bil will hear about it- she begged me me not to say anything. How do I tell her that they know?
She seems scared to get bil upset- do you think he threatened her in some way? she sort of seemed scared to lose his affection, does that make sense?

oh god what should I do now.

(dh spoke to his mother and she believes us. I don't know what she's going to do next)

amother

Sienna

Sun, Oct 01 2017, 5:04 pm

amother wrote:

Protect her. Keep her away from him even if it means stopping to visit your in law family.

Boca00

Sun, Oct 01 2017, 5:08 pm

amother wrote:

Of course she is terrified. He told her not to tell anyone! Please don't tell her that he knows. If it ever comes up again, just let her know that you will do your best to keep her away from him and make sure to praise her for telling you in the first place.

Your job is to keep her 200% safe now.

sarahmalka

Tue, Oct 03 2017, 1:34 pm

Poor mama! And poor daughter. Don't beat yourself up for bringing this up again, now you know she is not just 'over it' and that it didn't affect her. At some point you can make sure she knows that 1. she is welcome to talk to you, or another trusted adult of her choosing, ANY TIME she wants to. and that 2. even if someone said to her that she would get in trouble or cause a problem by telling, that is not true and that she can always tell the truth to you. I wouldn't use too many words, keep it very simple, and don't harp on it. And yes, like others said, take her to a counselor. "Someone for you to talk about any of your feelings to, whether the feelings are good or bad." That boy needs help, too. 15 yrs old is too old to be acting like that- if it was a younger boy I might brush it off as more innocent but unless this kid is developmentally disabled, a 15 yr old should know better. They really must get him to a therapist skilled in this area.