Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Being questioned Did she make it herself?



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

Bnei Berak 10




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 03 2017, 10:25 am
A very close friend of mine is frequently arranging lectures in her house, holding 7 brachot, inviting a lot of guests for Shabbos etc.
Quite a few times I (as a guest) have been asked by another guest or lady attending lecture or 7 brachot (and there is food or refreshments) if the hostess prepared it herself. For some reason questione directed to me at these events and always while she is out of hear sight. Food allergy cannot be the issue. For some reason this kind of "innocent question" does not seem that innocent to me. I mean, why would anyone want to know if its a homemade cookie or a store bought? I find it both puzzling and irritating. What's your opinion?
Back to top

sarahmalka




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 03 2017, 10:29 am
Could be either, "Wow, she made all this herself? What a tzedekas, how does she do it all? Kudos to her!" Or it could be "I am not sure I trust the kashrus of this family." If you think it's the latter and that's why it's irritating to you, you could respond like you assume the questioner means it in the first way and say "yes she made it all, isn't it amazing how much she does for our community? We are so lucky to have her! Maybe next time you and I and other ladies could offer to make and bring food to contribute too!"
Back to top

zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 03 2017, 10:37 am
sarahmalka wrote:
Could be either, "Wow, she made all this herself? What a tzedekas, how does she do it all? Kudos to her!" Or it could be "I am not sure I trust the kashrus of this family." If you think it's the latter and that's why it's irritating to you, you could respond like you assume the questioner means it in the first way and say "yes she made it all, isn't it amazing how much she does for our community? We are so lucky to have her! Maybe next time you and I and other ladies could offer to make and bring food to contribute too!"


This. When in doubt assume every remark is a compliment and respond accordingly
Back to top

lavenderchimes




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 03 2017, 11:23 am
Additional explanation: I often ask this question when I am wanting the recipe to/to know where to buy something I really like:) If you know that she makes it all herself, the above idea is super! If you are not sure, you can just say that you aren't sure -- but isn't it a lovely spread?/isn't everything so delicious?
Back to top

amother
Ruby


 

Post Tue, Oct 03 2017, 11:35 am
I think it could be coming from a good place but I agree that’s it’s rude to question your meal when you’re a guest, so I’d pretend I misunderstood and change the topic.
Back to top

ra_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 03 2017, 11:40 am
If it's irritating you just respond with "ask her! Smile" )
Back to top

cm




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 03 2017, 11:52 am
Bnei Berak 10 wrote:
A very close friend of mine is frequently arranging lectures in her house, holding 7 brachot, inviting a lot of guests for Shabbos etc.
Quite a few times I (as a guest) have been asked by another guest or lady attending lecture or 7 brachot (and there is food or refreshments) if the hostess prepared it herself. For some reason questione directed to me at these events and always while she is out of hear sight. Food allergy cannot be the issue. For some reason this kind of "innocent question" does not seem that innocent to me. I mean, why would anyone want to know if its a homemade cookie or a store bought? I find it both puzzling and irritating. What's your opinion?


People who do not bake or do extensive entertaining are often in awe of people who do. Small talk is expected at social gatherings. And small talk, when taken at face value, often sounds a little bit ridiculous. So it is not unusual for someone to comment on the food, the hostess' amazing attributes, or whatever else is relevant to the moment, saying something benignly complementary but generally meaningless if taken out of context. Otherwise, there would just be a lot of awkward munching in silence. I wouldn't read too much into it.
Back to top

Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 03 2017, 12:15 pm
It's quite likely that the questioner's family has the minhag of not eating food prepared outside their own home or doesn't hold by certain hechshers on which many in their community do rely.

It can be embarrassing for people who have these restrictions, since questions are likely to be interpreted as an individual attack on the kashrus of the hostess -- which is why the questioner is attempting to figure it out without directly involving the hostess.

It's really a lose-lose situation that illustrates the necessity of being tolerant of those who are stricter in their observance as well as lose who are less strict. I know many people who don't eat outside food -- it's just a blanket rule they observe. Unfortunately, it's hard to communicate it without causing offense.

If you want to be a really special mitzvah girl, you can always offer to ask the hostess: "Shaindy, one of the guests is a little embarrassed to ask you because she's afraid you'll be offended, but her family doesn't eat the XYZ hechsher. Is there anything here under that hashgacha?"

If you don't want to get involved, that's fine, too. Part of undertaking a particular level of observance is dealing with the social situations that arise.
Back to top

SixOfWands




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 03 2017, 12:31 pm
cm wrote:
People who do not bake or do extensive entertaining are often in awe of people who do. Small talk is expected at social gatherings. And small talk, when taken at face value, often sounds a little bit ridiculous. So it is not unusual for someone to comment on the food, the hostess' amazing attributes, or whatever else is relevant to the moment, saying something benignly complementary but generally meaningless if taken out of context. Otherwise, there would just be a lot of awkward munching in silence. I wouldn't read too much into it.


This.

Its simply a way of expressing admiration for what a wonderful job she did. "Did she bake those cookies herself" = "Good heavens! When I bake, the cookies come our crooked and half raw. These look like they were prepared by a pastry chef!" or "where does she find the time to do such professional work!"

It is benign. Just respond, "can you believe what a talented chef she is!"
Back to top

amother
Teal


 

Post Tue, Oct 03 2017, 1:10 pm
It could be, as others said, in admiration. people who don't cook or don't bake see it as some sort of major feat or accomplishment.

It could also be "should I eat this" since we all know that storebought cookies are rarely worth the calories.
Back to top

amother
Green


 

Post Tue, Oct 03 2017, 3:03 pm
Some rather most people do it simply to start a conversation. I know oh too many people like this.
Back to top

Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 04 2017, 3:29 am
Oftentimes the hostess is too busy for chatting and exchanging recipes. Knowing that you are a good friend of hers they could ask you, then come back for the recipe later.
Or similar scenarios.
Back to top

Mayflower




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 04 2017, 3:53 am
Fox wrote:
It's quite likely that the questioner's family has the minhag of not eating food prepared outside their own home or doesn't hold by certain hechshers on which many in their community do rely.

... I know many people who don't eat outside food -- it's just a blanket rule they observe.


You really know many people who don't ever eat outside food? I didn't even know this is a thing... On Pesach, a lot of people don't mish, but the rest of the year?? The idea makes me kind of sad.

As for the OP, I hear you. As suggested above, I think the only way to respond is by suggesting she ask the hostess if she really wants to know.
Back to top

amother
Amethyst


 

Post Wed, Oct 04 2017, 4:58 am
Fox wrote:
It's quite likely that the questioner's family has the minhag of not eating food prepared outside their own home or doesn't hold by certain hechshers on which many in their community do rely.

It can be embarrassing for people who have these restrictions, since questions are likely to be interpreted as an individual attack on the kashrus of the hostess -- which is why the questioner is attempting to figure it out without directly involving the hostess.

It's really a lose-lose situation that illustrates the necessity of being tolerant of those who are stricter in their observance as well as lose who are less strict. I know many people who don't eat outside food -- it's just a blanket rule they observe. Unfortunately, it's hard to communicate it without causing offense.

If you want to be a really special mitzvah girl, you can always offer to ask the hostess: "Shaindy, one of the guests is a little embarrassed to ask you because she's afraid you'll be offended, but her family doesn't eat the XYZ hechsher. Is there anything here under that hashgacha?"

If you don't want to get involved, that's fine, too. Part of undertaking a particular level of observance is dealing with the social situations that arise.


The way to deal with this is to say: I have lots of food issues. Would it be ok if I brought my own refreshments?

Leave religion out of the equation and make it all about you. No problem.
Back to top
Page 1 of 1 Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

Related Topics Replies Last Post
How do people make money?
by amother
11 Yesterday at 9:35 pm View last post
Kids shabbos shoes affordable. Let's make a list!
by amother
63 Yesterday at 7:17 pm View last post
Any way to make a non lace look very natural?
by amother
10 Tue, Mar 26 2024, 4:46 pm View last post
Can we make a list of large kosher supermarkets?
by amother
41 Mon, Mar 25 2024, 7:54 pm View last post
When teenager says 'make me'
by amother
44 Mon, Mar 25 2024, 10:21 am View last post