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How to explain relative with iui?
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amother




Goldenrod


Post  Mon, Oct 09 2017, 11:54 pm
We have a single relative who did IUI and is now pregnant. My kids have really never met anyone who had a baby who is not married. How do I explain this to my kids without destroying their innocence? They are definitely going to be shocked when they find out.
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Zehava









  


Post  Tue, Oct 10 2017, 12:07 am
How much do your kids know about pregnancy in general and how babies are made.
I'd think if they are more sheltered it would be easier.
You can say something to the effect of "she really wanted a baby but couldn't find someone to get married to so she just got one by herself".
If they do know how babies are made you can tell them the doctor helped her get a mans seed so she can plant a baby in her tummy.
Either way don't be too dramatic about it. Stick to the simple facts and follow their lead.
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amother




Orange


Post  Tue, Oct 10 2017, 3:55 am
amother wrote:
We have a single relative who did IUI and is now pregnant. My kids have really never met anyone who had a baby who is not married. How do I explain this to my kids without destroying their innocence? They are definitely going to be shocked when they find out.


I had a child before I was married. I am sorry if you think people like me could destroy the innocence of children.

For me, the best path all around was the truth. Most people wanted me to lie and pretend I was divorced but I refused.

How do you explain? You tell the truth.
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eimhabonim









  


Post  Tue, Oct 10 2017, 5:14 am
I would tell them that she really wanted a baby so she went to the doctor who giver her medicine/did a procedure, so that she could have one.
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amother




Goldenrod


Post  Tue, Oct 10 2017, 8:27 am
amother wrote:
I had a child before I was married. I am sorry if you think people like me could destroy the innocence of children.

For me, the best path all around was the truth. Most people wanted me to lie and pretend I was divorced but I refused.

How do you explain? You tell the truth.


Don't attack me. I have a good question it means no ill on anyone else just too personal question I had on have to explain it to my own children. I put this in the raising children Forum not the pregnancy forum. It is not meant to raise an issue just to ask for advice on explaining this to children.

To everyone else, my kids know varying amounts based on age. Thanks for sharing ur thoughts.
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MagentaYenta









  


Post  Tue, Oct 10 2017, 1:45 pm
amother wrote:
We have a single relative who did IUI and is now pregnant. My kids have really never met anyone who had a baby who is not married. How do I explain this to my kids without destroying their innocence? They are definitely going to be shocked when they find out.


You tell them the truth. They will only be shocked if you present in a manner that is shocking.
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lavenderchimes









  


Post  Tue, Oct 10 2017, 5:13 pm
These kinds of things can be difficult -- I don't have kids, yet, but I an already thinking about how to explain Sooo many of these lifestyle things! I think the answer really is to just be non-chalant and sort of vague. ex. "[person's name] wanted a baby SO much, she decided to have one!"
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amother




Orange


Post  Tue, Oct 10 2017, 8:09 pm
amother wrote:
Don't attack me. I have a good question it means no ill on anyone else just too personal question I had on have to explain it to my own children. I put this in the raising children Forum not the pregnancy forum. It is not meant to raise an issue just to ask for advice on explaining this to children.

To everyone else, my kids know varying amounts based on age. Thanks for sharing ur thoughts.


I wasn't attacking you but I felt moderately attacked by you when you used the dramatic phrase "destroying their innocence" to ask the Q. I know you were thinking about your own children, but how you word your answer to them will affect your relative and how she is perceived by others. That's why I stepped in to answer.

You've received the same answer from myself and other people on here which is tell the truth. If you don't tell the truth, your children will eventually find out that you weren't candid with them in the future when they understand more at a later date.
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amother




Goldenrod


Post  Tue, Oct 10 2017, 8:19 pm
Of course I should tell the truth. I never thought of lying. I just needed help wording it the right way. All but one of them are innocent enough to think that only married married people have babies. So I wasn't sure how to approach it. Telling them the truth in any form will destroy that level of innocence. What is so hard for you to accept about that? I just have to think about the best form of the truth that will affect their innocence of the least.If u don't appreciate my question, you don't have to answer it.
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MagentaYenta









  


Post  Tue, Oct 10 2017, 8:26 pm
amother wrote:
Of course I should tell the truth. I never thought of lying. I just needed help wording it the right way. All but one of them are innocent enough to think that only married married people have babies. So I wasn't sure how to approach it. Telling them the truth in any form will destroy that level of innocence. What is so hard for you to accept about that? I just have to think about the best form of the truth that will affect their innocence of the least.If u don't appreciate my question, you don't have to answer it.


You don't mention how old your children are. I would think that some of the responses mentioned up thread are quite adequate for children who have not reached puberty or had a human biology class.

Your commitment to ensuring the 'innocence' of your children could be admirable, but the words you use are insulting as an Ima has already pointed out.
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amother




Goldenrod


Post  Tue, Oct 10 2017, 8:30 pm
MagentaYenta wrote:
You don't mention how old your children are. I would think that some of the responses mentioned up thread are quite adequate for children who have not reached puberty or had a human biology class.

Your commitment to ensuring the 'innocence' of your children could be admirable, but the words you use are insulting as an Ima has already pointed out.
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amother




Goldenrod


Post  Tue, Oct 10 2017, 8:33 pm
MagentaYenta wrote:
You don't mention how old your children are. I would think that some of the responses mentioned up thread are quite adequate for children who have not reached puberty or had a human biology class.

Your commitment to ensuring the 'innocence' of your children could be admirable, but the words you use are insulting as an Ima has already pointed out.


What in the world did I say? Wheeew.
Ok never mind. I came for help and got criticized. This makes no sense. Thread over.
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das









  


Post  Tue, Oct 10 2017, 8:35 pm
Op, I see nothing wrong with what you said. You need thick skin on imamother because there are some posters who take great joy in criticizing.

You got good advice up thread.
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MagentaYenta









  


Post  Tue, Oct 10 2017, 8:36 pm
amother wrote:
What in the world did I say? Wheeew.
Ok never mind. I came for help and got criticized. This makes no sense. Thread over.


Rolling Eyes Oh please don't play the victim. You asked for advice. Valid advice was given, flounce if you will.
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amother




Babyblue


Post  Tue, Oct 10 2017, 10:24 pm
das wrote:
Op, I see nothing wrong with what you said. You need thick skin on imamother because there are some posters who take great joy in criticizing.

You got good advice up thread.


Totally agree. OP, you have a very appropriate and valid question. I hope it won't be too complicated with your kids!

Also, like someone else mentioned above, what are the ages of your children? That would help put things in perspective.
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Ruchel









  


Post  Wed, Oct 11 2017, 7:11 am
I got bashed because myBY daughter, then 9 or 10, doesn't know that babies are made with a father physically (bh). On a frum site why justify committing to clean and to shelter for children?
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Seas









  


Post  Wed, Oct 11 2017, 10:56 am
amother wrote:
I had a child before I was married. I am sorry if you think people like me could destroy the innocence of children.

For me, the best path all around was the truth. Most people wanted me to lie and pretend I was divorced but I refused.

How do you explain? You tell the truth.


Feh. Sinning is bad enough, but to have no shame about it is disgusting and outright chutzpah to Hashem.
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amother




Goldenrod


Post  Wed, Oct 11 2017, 11:05 am
I think I wrote up thread that my kids are various ages. I have one teen and kids younger than that all the way down to preschool.
I know that there was nothing wrong with my question at all. On a frum website it's perfectly understandable. Anyone who wants to attack the question can start their own Thread about it. Anyone who wants to actually help me and stay on topic is welcome to reply.
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amother




Orange


Post  Wed, Oct 11 2017, 11:11 am
Seas wrote:
Feh. Sinning is bad enough, but to have no shame about it is disgusting and outright chutzpah to Hashem.


"Sinning" eh? You don't know the circumstances of why people (including myself) had a child before marriage. There are lots of scenarios, some don't involve "sinning" in the way you talk about.

Some examples: a person could be a non-Jew or a BT and have a child before marriage before they were frum. A person who is a Geress or a BT is not allowed to have their prior aveirot discussed in the way you do in your post. In fact, it is an aveira to allude to the previous behavior of BTs and non-Jews.

Another example is that a person may have been CVS sxually assaulted by someone and chosen to keep the baby even though they were a frum, single woman. Do you really believe someone in this category deserves to have posters like you accuse them of "sinning?" I personally do not.

Also, it may be controversial, but there are some frum, single women who do get permission from Orthodox Rabbonim to have IUI treatment under certain circumstances.

Some people may have been married briefly but had a divorce or their spouse die before their baby was born.

So, Seas. In the scenarios above, the people do not need to have shame and nothing is Chutzpadik to Hashem. Furthermore, we are talking about Jewish children that have been brought into the world. If you believe Hashem controls the world, then surely we need to believe that these children born in unusual circumstances, are meant to be.

Furthermore, just to add a personal anecdote. I don't feel comfortable posting my personal situation about why I was a single parent, but when I first joined IMA, I gave explicit details to Yael and she let me on this site. I am now in a Kosher situation and married but the point is, I was Kosher enough for this site prior to marriage and Seas, I think your post is uncalled for. It certainly doesn't answer OP's original Q so at best, is an unnecessary post.
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amother




Orange


Post  Wed, Oct 11 2017, 11:13 am
amother wrote:
I think I wrote up thread that my kids are various ages. I have one teen and kids younger than that all the way down to preschool.
I know that there was nothing wrong with my question at all. On a frum website it's perfectly understandable. Anyone who wants to attack the question can start their own Thread about it. Anyone who wants to actually help me and stay on topic is welcome to reply.


I do want to help you but I don't know what else to say other than "the truth." Obviously you can elaborate more for the older kids. At the preschool age, I'd say it is unnecessary. It's possible that a preschooler might say something like "where is Relative's DH?" and it is possible just to simply say that not all families have a tatty. This is certainly true for many families in the frum community. Hatzlacha.
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