I butchered her hair.....:(

amother

Gold

Sun, Oct 22 2017, 10:43 pm

My 4 year old daughter had long tight curls which were not being taken care of by anyone but me! My husband would bathe her with her ponytail in and never brush it, and I constantly had to hear her screaming while trying to brush out her dreadlocks.
Well 4 days ago, I was fed up. Her hair was CRAZY, a horrible dread-locked mess. Impulsivly, I chopped it all off.
Well it looks terrible, to say the least. Curly hair shrinks when dried (I didn't realize this) and now she looks like a boy. My husband is not talking to me, he loved her long hair . He told me I was out of control and didnt think things through....
I agree, but I think it's only hair and will grow back....?
Is what I did really terrible? What are my options now?

amother

Bisque

Sun, Oct 22 2017, 10:48 pm

since curls boing up, it takes way longer for it to look long than straight hair. So all you can do is daven that her hair grows fast, and thank Hashem that she is only 4
I know of someone who butchered her daughters curls later on and she looked terrible, but the mother didnt even regret it

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, Oct 22 2017, 10:57 pm

amother wrote:

Doesn't sound like this mother regrets it either

Kiwi13

Sun, Oct 22 2017, 10:58 pm

If she really had dreadlocks going on in her hair, if might have actually been necessary to cut it and let her hair grow in again fresh and healthy. Use a lot of conditioner from now on. Maybe some of the leave-in conditioner as well, if needed. I don’t have much experience with curly hair, but there must be some helpful products out there.

If her hair is uneven, maybe take her to a salon to have it professionally recut/cleaned up. Buy her some pretty hair accessories.

Maybe it was impulsive and over the top, but I don’t think it’s the biggest deal in the world. It’ll grow back.

Iymnok

Mon, Oct 23 2017, 2:42 am

Does it fit into a half pony? Those always look cute, especially with a bow or flower.
I agree that long hair belongs where it could be taken care of.
Find a hairdresser who can make it look decent.
It will grow back.
Since it's now short, try to teach her some hair care so it won't all fall on you again.

JoyInTheMorning

Mon, Oct 23 2017, 2:50 am

Ugh. It's not your hair, it's your daughter's hair. Unless you discussed this with your daughter (yes, even a four-year-old), and she agreed, I think this was the wrong thing to do. If she told you she didn't want you to do it, this is borderline abusive. And if you did it without discussing it with your daughter at all and/or you cut it without really thinking through a plan for a decent hairstyle, then you are out of control, IMO. Not to mention self-centered ... You write, "I constantly had to hear her screaming." You were causing her pain, and you're focusing on what you had to hear? Ugh.

If you really cut it so short that she looks like a boy, mousse -- or I was going to suggest those anti-frizz serums from John Frieda -- will not help all that much now. Three or four months from now, they may help a bit to temporarily deboing the hair and make it look a drop longer. Yes, curly hair takes a long time to grow. Poor kid.

For when your daughter's hair grows again: To get out tangles from even badly tangled long hair, soak it thoroughly, put in deep conditioner throughout the hair, and let it stay in for a good long while (anywhere from 15 minutes to half an hour or maybe longer, if necessary). Starting from the bottom, use your fingers to start separating some of the tangles. Do not pull. Slowly, slowly, work through more tangles, eventually working upwards. It may take hours. That's fine. For maintenance, there are plenty of detangling products around, or use deep conditioner as often as needed.

water_bear88

Mon, Oct 23 2017, 2:51 am

Never brush curly hair! I wouldn't know, never having had straight hair, but are hairbrushes actually useful for anything besides awful 80's styling?

Curly hair needs to be combed, while wet, preferably with conditioner in (especially for little girls whose hair gets tangled more).

I really hope you do regret this, OP, though your husband bears some responsibility for bathing her with her ponytail in and just ignoring her hair until it turned into dreadlocks. Both of you need to read up on how to manage curly hair, from the sound of it, if you're both involved in her bathing and hair care.

amother

Plum

Mon, Oct 23 2017, 2:52 am

I did this too by mistake... Gave my curly haired girls awful too-short haircuts. I have curly hair myself and I still went a bit too far. I felt terrible.

Afterwards I vowed to let if grow and take them to a professional. (And at my first attempt at that, the professional messed up...)

It will grow back.

little_mage

Mon, Oct 23 2017, 10:19 am

First of all, OP, you're right. Hair grows back. If it looks really bad, maybe take her to a professional who can even things out and make them a little neater.

Joy in the Morning, I think you're both wrong and right. On the one hand, yes, even a four year old should have bodily autonomy, especially with something like hair. On the other hand, if the hair can't be cared for, that's not exactly okay either. My daughter has straight hair, and we've had some serious battles over brushing it, to the point where I've been extremely tempted to chop it mostly off. It needs to be cared for.

nicole81

Mon, Oct 23 2017, 10:40 am

My curly dd cut off her own beautiful hair at that age (into a mullet) and I had to cut it within 1-2" of the scalp all over just to make it even. It grew back eventually and in the meantime I used pretty clips to make it a bit cuter.

FWIW, I still comb through dd's hair once a week for good measure, and she's 11. Curly hair is hard to manage. We douse her hair in conditioner, comb it through with a detangling comb, and then wash with shampoo. You can also try using a wet brush, although I haven't had much luck with that.

simba

Mon, Oct 23 2017, 10:44 am

I have no curly hair advice. I don't think your DH should not talk to you because you did this.
Agree with him that this was not thought through and you apologize about that. In the bigger picture this will take care of itself and you know for the future. Your relationship should not be affected.

amother

Amber

Mon, Oct 23 2017, 10:50 am

things like brushing hair is not my mothers forte and my grandmother loved short hair so when I was younger I literally had short short curly hair like a short boys haircut. It looked dreadful but the attitude was until I would take care of it myself it would stay short. Ironically once I was allowed to grow out my hair my friends had cut their long beautiful hair in to short haircuts but not as short. Whenever my older dd would give me a hard time about brushing, I would ask her if she wants short like I had as a kid. The answer was a resolute no! lol!

PinkFridge

Mon, Oct 23 2017, 11:50 am

OP, my immediate reaction to the thread title and forum was, call Guiness! First mother in history!
Not ;-)
Look, this was a great learning experience, and the stakes were much lower than they could have been - your daughter's young, no up-coming simchos (I hope. Right?), etc. I would take to heart much of what's been written here. I will say the following from experience, though not re hair cuts: when you feel compelled to act, and act NOW, as cumulatively fed up as you are, you will almost always have time to breathe and take a break to think about it, consult, have some chocolate, take an invigorating walk, throw in a load of laundry, do a Sudoku, any or all of the above.

Hatzlacha! We're all on this journey somewhere along the road.

Kiwi13

Mon, Oct 23 2017, 12:27 pm

amother wrote:

The part that concerns me most is how out of control you must've been to do something like this.

Please get help, OP.

I’m not convinced OP was “out of control.” She made an impulsive decision to make the situation easier, without fully thinking it through. This doesn’t sound like it was a punishment or the result of a fight. Just a mother frustrated with her daughter’s difficult-to-manage hair.