8 year old daughter - no friends

amother

Plum

Wed, Nov 01 2017, 4:07 pm

My almost 8 year old daughter is shy and very slow to warmup in general, especially in large groups, so school social situation is an issue with her. In school, she is unhappy because she has no close friends (and sees so many other people who have close friends) and constantly feel teachers call on others more than her (she's pretty good academically though), etc and gives off that unhappy type vibe, so that also probably turns off potential friends. She's pretty much a loner (tries to join in group games like tag, but never really playing with someone if you know what I mean) and feels bad about it. Even on the school bus, she doesn't sit near anyone in her class & if she tries to, they say someone else needs to sit there or something like that. I've tried having over individual girls from her class for playdates and in those situations, on the other extreme, my daughter becomes pretty bossy - kind of like to assert herself, that she is a someone (or maybe she sees other popular girls acting like that & get away with it, so thinks it's the appropriate behavior?), so I don't think that is helping her have friends either. As an aside, at this stage of life, I am also pretty much a loner and introvert, but it doesn't bother me all that much. What would you do in this situation to facilitate her making friends?

Lizzie4

Wed, Nov 01 2017, 4:13 pm

Firstly, Does this bother her?
At that age, she doesn't really need close friends, as long as she is happy.
If this bothers her, I would try social skills groups, if you have in your area. Maybe there's something she can work on to boost her chances of making and keeping friends. Also, what does she enjoy doing? Maybe get her involved in clubs or lessons.

amother

Plum

Wed, Nov 01 2017, 4:20 pm

Lizzie4 wrote:

It does bother her, she is unhappy and it probably feeds on itself. I think people are more attracted to happy, enthusiastic people and I am told that at school she generally gives off this unhappy sort of look - frowning a lot (instead of smiling).

I'm not aware of social skills groups, though I have looked into that at one point. I send her to a club, but same issue there.

amother

Plum

Wed, Nov 01 2017, 4:50 pm

Lizzie4 wrote:

It's a tough call. Sounds like she takes life too seriously ( like a lot of us). Would she benefit from a big sister program or speaking with a Therapist?

Yes, she does take life too seriously. Thanks - she'll be seeing the school social worker, it's worth the shot certainly - maybe the social worker can give me some ideas to work with. I just figured I'd also try to see if I can get some good ideas through the combined wisdom of imamother mothers. I also am worried if she will really be able to develop any sort of rapport with a therapist due to her nature, but I guess time will tell. Did anyone have their extremely shy & slow to warmup children in therapy and has it worked successfully?

amother

Mauve

Wed, Nov 01 2017, 7:07 pm

amother wrote:

It is a good idea for you and your daughter to watch Dr. Joel Shaul's social skills on youtube.
He originally made it for children on the Autism spectrum but it is extremely effective for normal people. It can give you and your daughter insights that years of therapy may give you.

amother

Lemon

Wed, Nov 01 2017, 7:42 pm

I totally feel for her, I was (still am) the same way. I think you should continue setting up play dates. Call the mother of a friend to set it up if it's hard for her to invite a friend herself.
Try to set up activities to do together with them and supervise the entire time. Make sure to give the friend a fun time so she should come home feeling she had a blast by dd's house. If you see your daughter being bossy, gently explain that this can cause her friend not to wanna come. Its a lot of work but worth the investment!
I did this with my daughter, and I wish my mother would have done it for me.

Petra

Wed, Nov 01 2017, 8:48 pm

Having kids older and young, I can see how some of my kids take after my DH and some have mannerisms like me. This has become obvious.

So, perhaps she is modeling what she sees.

For what it's worth, I've always felt like "I don't belong"; as far back as I can remember. Like I'm showing up late to the party and the odd person out. I have know idea why I would feel that but it had shaped my childhood.

I'm still a bit of a loner now. I don't have a clique of friends. I used to be self conscious that I wasn't surrounded by friends like it seemed all my peers were. But then I realized that I make it that way and actually prefer it that way. And I don't care anymore that I'm a loner. But, I'm also an adult. Children have a very strong need to fit it and be just like everyone else.

Perhaps try and roll play with your daughter. When one of my DD's was having trouble with a bossy girl in her class, we roll played. She seemed to get something from it.