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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
I am dying a slow, painful death with my son's behavior.
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cheeseblintz




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 01 2017, 3:09 pm
Go to a dr asap. And if he assaults you, call the cops.
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amother
Aqua


 

Post Wed, Nov 01 2017, 4:51 pm
little neshamala wrote:
I am curious, after OPs clarification, how many posters will continue yelling that she is the victim of abuse? Or, like I said earlier, she is hurting her son. Abusing him, in fact.

OP, I commend you for being honest with yourself. Good for you. However, id like to take it one step further and ask you to be even harsher with yourself. Really harsh. (Go ahead and bash me everyone, I dont care).

You are abusing your child. Physically and emotionally. You need to get help for yourself, faster than youve been trying. IMMEDIATELY. Speaking from experience unfortunately, I can tell you that most (if not all) of our gedolim today would tell your son that he does not have the din of being your child Kibud Av Vaem wise. In other words, you are not behaving like a parent, therefore all halachos to do with him and you with kibud av vaem do not apply.

Imagine a tiny adorable puppy that is being yelled at and kicked around by his owner...beaten...then put in a bag with stones and dumped into the river. That is what you are doing to your poor baby.

If this thread wouldve started from the point of view of your neighbor who overhears whats going on in your home I guarantee you EVERYBODY would've been yelling at her to report you.

I am not saying that...but I am saying that its not nearly enough for you to say youre not parenting well and you need some help.

You need to look at this like pikuach nefesh. You MUST get a lot of help right now before you KILL your son. (Physically or emotionally)

Btw, if your son is doing well in school, that shows me hes got some amazing inner strength and probably an awesome hidden personality. Get to know him.

I hope my words havent hurt you. I wasnt trying to-if I did, please please be mochel me.
Im just coming from the point of view of a child who went through this and more...wishing you tons of hatzlacha and a beautiful future.

Now go start on getting real help. NOW. Hug

I think this was not necessary. OP already acknowledged what she is doing wrong and expressed that she is going to get help. I don't believe we need to vilify her now that she made herself vulnerable by opening up and admitting her mistakes.

I agree that this may have been necessary before she acknowledged what she needs to change.

But we don't need to kick her when she is down. Once she said what she's doing wrong, we need to be kind and supportive and encouraging and help her go in the direction she says she is heading.

(I see this problem on other threads too.)
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little neshamala




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 01 2017, 5:08 pm
amother wrote:
I think this was not necessary. OP already acknowledged what she is doing wrong and expressed that she is going to get help. I don't believe we need to vilify her now that she made herself vulnerable by opening up and admitting her mistakes.

I agree that this may have been necessary before she acknowledged what she needs to change.

But we don't need to kick her when she is down. Once she said what she's doing wrong, we need to be kind and supportive and encouraging and help her go in the direction she says she is heading.

(I see this problem on other threads too.)


I hear what youre saying. I did think twice before posting that. But I dont regret posting it and heres why.

OP is not an idiot. Far from it; she actually sounds like quite an intelligent woman. Do you really believe that for the past two plus years she never once acknowledged her behavior was wrong? You really think she's believed her parenting to be normal, and only after reading this thread has realized that its wrong to hit, call names, etc?? Of course not!

The purpose of my harsh post was not ch"v to pour salt in her wounds. It was to light a fire underneath her. Its very very very difficult to change this type of behavior.

And far too often ive seen people acknowledging that theyre wrong, and slowly, genuinely, attempt to get help, and life kind of takes over, and nothing really gets done in the end....and then they try again....and later on again...

Which is why im begging OP...dont simply acknowledge and decide to get help. RUN!!! Run now and run fast! This is not a parenting mistake that you can afford to move slowly about. This is pikuach nefesh and you're running out of time.RUN.

OP please know im saying this with only love for your child in mind, as well as love for you. Hug
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 01 2017, 5:29 pm
One must be careful in attempting to light fires that they do not cause anything to explode.

Just saying.

OP, I'm glad you are committing to the idea of seeking help and support for all. May you find good people who move things in a positive direction.
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pause




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 01 2017, 9:35 pm
I couldn't agree more, little neshamala.

For me the sticking point was "this has been going on for 2.5 years."
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amother
Bisque


 

Post Wed, Nov 01 2017, 9:48 pm
OP, Your son is severely traumatized from the abusive parenting he has been exposed to. He is also acting in the way he has been taught by his mother. He has been taught to call names, humiliate, and use physical violence in response to conflict. The entire family needs emergency intervention, and blaming this child will just further scapegoat him. OP, get yourself help immediately and stop abusing your child.
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amother
Pink


 

Post Thu, Nov 02 2017, 9:20 am
amother wrote:
OP, Your son is severely traumatized from the abusive parenting he has been exposed to. He is also acting in the way he has been taught by his mother. He has been taught to call names, humiliate, and use physical violence in response to conflict. The entire family needs emergency intervention, and blaming this child will just further scapegoat him. OP, get yourself help immediately and stop abusing your child.


Not to mention, have his possessions forcibly removed and suppers withheld.

I think OP and her son should be separated temporarily while everyone gets therapy to sort out this terrible situation. NOT THROUGH THE AUTHORITIES (I'm the amother who posted about not getting CPS involved because it will likely result in the removal of all the children - a prolonged court battle is not what OP needs right now) - but perhaps with caring community members. Is there a caring family who knows OP well who could take the son in for a few months? I know a family that wasn't at all dysfunctional, but had many small children and couldn't deal with the needs of their oldest, and thus arranged for him to live in someone else's house for about 6 months. It was win/win for them at that time and looking back it was win/win for the long term as well. OP, maybe your son's rebbe can help find someone (or perhaps he, himself)?
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