"The food is decent"

rowo

Thu, Nov 02 2017, 12:52 am

Sounds like it could be really hurtful.
I wouldn't want to be 'just ok' to my husband.

But if he is insisting on using it - looking up the definition etc.
In a playful way I would over-use the word as a joke, but also to make the point.
Because he is being a bit weird about it, turn it into a shtick. The word your family uses for everything

amother

Ecru

Thu, Nov 02 2017, 4:32 am

My brother uses decent when he thinks the food is really good. He doesn't say how amazing food is but when he says decent you know he really likes it!! Even if he says it in a kind of neutral tone it's praise.

I'm pretty sure you should discuss it with him though. Tell him it makes you feel really really good when he uses other better words to describe how good the food is. Because to you, decent means just passable and you worked really hard on it.

imasinger

Thu, Nov 02 2017, 4:53 am

We have multiple family members with ASD, and they would do such a thing. It comes from an overly literal brain.

I would need to spell out, "there is a social convention that when someone does something for you, it's important to thank them and say something that gives extra praise. Because that's what people do, merely saying the food was decent comes across as an insult. When I or anyone else cooks dinner, it's polite to say the food was good. If you liked anything more than a little, you say that was delicious. And you always say thanks for doing it. There's nothing wrong with the word "decent" per se, but that's how it is perceived, so unless you mean to be insulting, don't use it please."

Then, every time he says delicious, give him a big smile or a hug and thank him. And if he forgets and says "decent"again, offer a correction. "You meant to say delicious, not to insult me, right?" As often as needed to form the new habit.

But never ever take it personally. Life is too short.

mommy3b2c

Thu, Nov 02 2017, 5:20 am

amother wrote:

OP here. I actually did say "I prepare a hot meal for you each night, you mean delicious, right?"
and he took out his phone and googled 'decent' and said that decent is like saying 'fine, okay, acceptable and he doesn't change his answer. He said good (and beyond) would be like a 3 course nice meal, restaurant quality....and being that its not, its simply decent

Well that is very rude. Is he rude in general?

MitzadSheini

Thu, Nov 02 2017, 5:25 am

Haven't read the whole thread, but I would have agreed with what imasinger wrote here on this until LAST WEEK, when one of my NT kids enthusiastically told me the food I had served him was Decent!. He meant it as a big compliment. I am wondering whether the word has taken on a new meaning with the younger generation, in the same way that they say something was "Sick!" to mean that it was really wonderful.

etky

Thu, Nov 02 2017, 6:02 am

MitzadSheini wrote:

But that's obviously not what he meant. Did you read what OP added about him googling the word decent and sticking to the meaning of just ok?
To me his behaviour sounds intentionally mean - not overly literal like imasinger suggested and certainly not that he was using the words decent as a trendy code word for wonderful.

Orchid

Thu, Nov 02 2017, 6:27 am

He is being mean.
OP told him she doesn't like the usage of that word, yet he does it anyway. How is that not mean? How hard would it be for him to not use the word that bothers his wife?

It's like if I hate one specific tie out of my husband's wardrobe full of ties and ask him not to wear that ONE tie, yet he goes out of his way to constantly wear that tie, that would be mean too.

She explained how that word is insulting, yet he continues to use it. That's a problem, notwithstanding that some people truly mean it as a compliment. If my husband hated it when I used a certain word, I would just not use that word. End of story.

STMommy

Thu, Nov 02 2017, 6:45 am

Absolutely perfect advice, Imasinger. I have intentionally refrained from replying on this thread; I must be getting a little triggered by OP's issue because the only response I could think of was something that would be harshly judgmental of OP's DH and I am loathe to interfere with someone else's shlaom bayis. Thank you for providing OP with a well-worded and helpful answer.

amother

Denim

Thu, Nov 02 2017, 1:49 pm

(disclaimer: you may not want to read my concluding thoughts if this thread is triggering to you)

Thank you everyone for sharing your opinions.
I feel like half of you are of the opinion that he is literal and/or uses words incorrectly and does not mean to be insulting. while the other half thinks it is extremely rude and insulting, and that this is not an isolated incident. my conclusion is that since my husband is actually extremely lacking in the middos department, comments like 'food is decent' is so small in comparison to everything rude he does and says that it is easy to just roll right over me. It happens to be that last night by dinner he was in a pleasant mood so the comment was not said in an obnoxious tone.

MitzadSheini

Thu, Nov 02 2017, 1:58 pm

I read your conclusion op. Sounds like a very sad situation. I'm wondering why (not really asking, no need to answer) given that the whole situation is so awful for you that you chose this incident (which you yourself seem to consider to be quite "parev" in the scheme of things,) as the one to post about to seek validation. I hope things improve for you soon.