Do mother's miss their severe disabled kids?

creditcards

Mon, Nov 06 2017, 10:16 am

Do mothers miss their severe disabled kids after they pass away?
My cousin passed away recently, was severely disabled. The first thought that came to my mind was" B"h, now it will be easier for the family"
Would the parents be mad knowing that people think that way? Did the parents really want their child to survive?
I have a different relative that's also severely disabled who was hospitalized a while ago. My husband spent overnights in the hospital with that relative. Everyone was davenging the child should survive. I couldn't help wondering if this is really what the parents wanted. What do you think?

Raisin

Mon, Nov 06 2017, 10:38 am

I am sure they do. I'm sure there are also many mixed emotions in such a scenario.

In some cases a child who is very challenging to look after is placed in a home, but many parents still want to visit their child.

Then again there are the parents who leave the hospital without a disabled newborn.

Raisin

Mon, Nov 06 2017, 10:39 am

zaq wrote:

. Do you think people miss their severely disabled parents when they die?

You can be relieved of the burden of caring for someone and still miss them and mourn their loss.

Often there are 2 types of loss, once when the parent becomes disabled, (this can take a while in cases like alzheimers) and once again when they pass away.

Kiwi13

Mon, Nov 06 2017, 10:44 am

Zaq’s right. There’s probably an element of both. When I was in high school my grandmother passed away after a lengthy illness. The family was sad and grieving but at the same time there was some relief that it was over, she wasn’t suffering anymore.

I can’t speak to the children side of it, other than to share that I once had a pregnancy that wasn’t going well but kept hanging on week after week, and my doctors told me I’d either lose the pregnancy (miscarriage) or have a very sick baby. The way things were going there was virtually no chance it would turn out okay. My husband and I davened and davened for that baby to live. Ultimately I miscarried anyway, and even though part of me was relieved about not having to face the challenge of having a baby with severe disabilities, I was still grieving and terribly sad. I would imagine this is only the tiniest fraction of what parents feel who have lost a child after knowing them and bonding with them, no matter how hard it was to care for their child. Parents love their children unconditionally.

BasMelech120

Mon, Nov 06 2017, 10:56 am

I think many feelings can be true at the same time. A parent can miss their child terribly - miss their smile, miss their voice, miss the familial scents and sounds associated with the child - while at the same time also feel relieved - relieved that the child is no longer suffering, relieved that this part of their journey as a parent has come to a close.

Neither of these feelings can be judged. Oftentimes, parents will feel the relief and immediately be flooded with guilt: "How can I even think that? What kind of mother/father am I?" But this combination - relief and sadness and pain and any other feeling - is completely normal.
There is not one way to grieve when anyone passes away, whether they were disabled or not.

If I am conversing with someone who has lost a parent whom they cared for, or lost a child who was disabled, I try to validate that there may be a variety of feelings present. I might say something like, "I am so sorry for your loss. You've been through a lot in the past week/month/year(s), and must be flooded with so many emotions now that it's over. I'm here to listen - whether it's about feelings you're proud of or feelings you feel guilty about. They are all normal."
(Depending on my relationship with the person, I'd change the words as needed)

Debbie

Mon, Nov 06 2017, 11:29 am

My husband's sister and her husband had a severely disabled child who passed away a few years ago when she was in her late teens.
At her Shiva people tried to console her parents by telling them that the bad times were over, and she is past her suffering.
To that my sister in law replied, that her daughter didn't suffer, and there were no bad times.
I know she is very missed.

zaq

Mon, Nov 06 2017, 11:46 am

Debbie wrote:

At her Shiva people tried to console her parents by telling them that the bad times were over, and she is past her suffering.
.

Oh, dear. Don’t you wish people wouldn’t say “ consoling” things like that? It’s almost as bad as asking how old was the departed. “Ninety-six? That’s not bad!” as if you shouldn’t mind losing your loved one because s/he had outlived the warrantee.

Somewhere online there is a list of things you shouldn’t say to or ask a mourner. It should be required reading. Basically you don’t try to console mourners by negating their pain. That’s insulting, not comforting You comfort them by being there, by listening if they want to talk, and by sharing pleasant memories of the deceased.

Debbie

Mon, Nov 06 2017, 12:01 pm

zaq wrote:

I love this ^, it's so true!

Jeanette

Mon, Nov 06 2017, 12:11 pm

I used to care for a severely disabled little girl. She had multiple surgeries and hospitalizations, was vent dependent etc. She was also adorable, had a cheerful sunny personality and won the hearts of anyone who cared for her. She passed away at age 3 (and it was a miracle she lived that long) but she was definitely missed and many people mourned her passing.

benny

Mon, Nov 06 2017, 12:43 pm

I lost a disabled child 15 years ago. I still
Miss her terribly to this day. The child means the same to the parent as any other child. (Maybe even more because of everything we put into her! The more you give the more you love). Don’t anyone ever think a disabled child (who lives at home) isn’t the same to the parent as any child is. Every child has challenges, and these are just a different set of challenges.