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Forum -> Relationships -> Simcha Section
Bar mitzvah son from 1st marriage



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amother
Taupe


 

Post Tue, Nov 07 2017, 7:44 am
I got remarried a couple of years ago. I have 2 children from my first marriage . Dh is an amazing amazing father to them. People who don't know our history would never believe my children are not his biological children .
We made bar mitzvah recently . It was a beautiful simcha . It was everything ds and I wanted . A beautiful hall. Amazing caterer . The flowers and photographer... everything was so perfect bh.
BUT.... nobody from dh family made an effort to travel in . Only his father (and this after dh asked him to come and paid his full ticket plus expenses)
We live in a different country . About 4 hour flight and it's not terribly expensive .
Not just this . They didn't even call to say mazel tov .
His mother sent a fruit arrangement and then I found out she was upset that I didn't call to thank her . Well , How about she was supposed to call me to wish me mazel tov ? I ended up calling her and thanking her and the conversation was very short cos it was 3 days after and she was hurt .
I thought I'm close to dh family. That's the feeling they gave me every time we visited .

From my family EVERYONE came . My parents , grandparents and all my siblings. And they all had to travel in.
My friends who didn't come called me and sent something in .
My cousins called to wish me mazel tov

I have a brother who was divorced . He also remarried someone with a child . Her daughter is MY niece . We love her . My parents buy her birthday presents and even hosted her bas mitzvah party .

I guess not everyone is like my family
But I feel hurt

And on top of it dh brother and his wife are coming to stay with us now for a week cos they need a vacation .
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amother
Apricot


 

Post Tue, Nov 07 2017, 8:19 am
When my DS from first marriage had his bar mitzvah, my DH's brother (his only living close relative) was there the whole time, while my non frum sister and family showed up for an hour then left for a soccer game. The other sister and family lived overseas and didn't come.

Each family is different.

For your MIL, sending her DH, (granted, on your dollars), and some nice fruit was probably a sufficient gesture to express love. Did you tell her you were hurt she didn't come or call?

You can make a decision.

Is it better to accept their limitations without confrontation, and just assume that they care in their own way? Or is it better to hash this out?

The thing to avoid is assuming that they see you and yours as unworthy, and therefore, be filled with resentment.

Personal note. My DH's parents never treated my kids like his, didn't send them birthday gifts, didn't remember them in their will, etc. It stung a bit, but I opted to accept their limitations. So I do get where you are coming from.
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amother
Khaki


 

Post Tue, Nov 07 2017, 10:05 am
Look, the reality is they are not related to your kids.
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amother
Khaki


 

Post Tue, Nov 07 2017, 10:06 am
And, yes, you definitely should've called to thank your mil! That WAS her way of saying mazal tov!
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amother
Slategray


 

Post Tue, Nov 07 2017, 12:32 pm
I am married to a widower with children. My family lives 6000 miles away from us, and even though I am raising these children full-time, as if they are my own, the reality is that my parents and siblings just don't know my kids and can't have a relationship with them. None of my family visits so they met my kids once at our wedding and that's it. I am making a bar mitzvah but no one from my family is coming. It hurts, but there's nothing I can do.
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cm




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 07 2017, 12:55 pm
Mazal tov on your son's bar mitzvah.

It seems natural that your in-laws will not feel as close to your children, especially if they live in another country and do not see your family frequently. Considering your husband's strong relationship with the children, his parents may come to take a stronger interest in time.

All gifts should be acknowledged. Not thanking her because she didn't call is petty and unproductive.
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amother
Peach


 

Post Tue, Nov 07 2017, 1:05 pm
B"H that your husband has bonded so beautifully with your children. This is really special. It doesn't always happen.
His family lives in another country. How much time have they spent with your children since you married? Maybe you are expecting a feeling of attachment and love where it just hasn't had a chance to grow (yet). Which is not to say that it wouldn't have been nice for them to make the effort, even if just for your husband's sake, to show that they accept his choices and his new family. But not everyone is the kind of family that flies off to every simcha anyhow, even when blood related. So who knows? And maybe the fruit basket WAS your MILs way of saying mazel tov to you. Do you speak regularly? Does she ever call you? Maybe she feels awkward. Who knows.
But really, focus on how amazing it is that you have this successful blended family under your roof and a lot of support from your own side. And let that be enough.
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nechamashifra




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 07 2017, 2:25 pm
Maybe your dh's family didn't want to intrude on your ex and your ex's family. I think for your son, the important thing was to have his father and his family from his father's side there, more than his step-father's extended family.
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keym




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Nov 07 2017, 2:52 pm
nechamashifra wrote:
Maybe your dh's family didn't want to intrude on your ex and your ex's family. I think for your son, the important thing was to have his father and his family from his father's side there, more than his step-father's extended family.


Thats assuming there is an ex and family involved. I reread the OP and no where does it indicate a biological father.
Either way its fair that the OP feels hurt that her new dh's family dont really acknowledge her kids like "blood relatives". The question is what to do about it.
OP as a product of blended families myself, I think you and your dh need to sit down when the dust settles and figure what kind of relationship you want for all the branches.
If you want a "real bubby and zaidy" relationship then you need to encourage small things.
Call them to let them know about milestones, encourage your son to learn with his new zaidy over the phone. Do as much as possible to discourage yours and mine thinking but rather ours.
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