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How come people don't care about being fat?
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Simple1









  


Post  Mon, Nov 13 2017, 7:49 am
What about those who are not overweight and don't have loads of friends running to give us attention? I think people tend to compliment when they see something new.

I do, though, understand Bizzy, how that can be painful. Sometimes innocent comments trigger painful feelings for me too.
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Reality









  


Post  Mon, Nov 13 2017, 9:04 am
I think people need to learn how to complement their friends or coworkers wisely. I never say "oh you got sooo skinny". That can be a back handed compliment. What you thought I used to be sooo fat?

Instead be vague. "Wow you look fantastic". Then let them say "I just lost some weight" or "I just got a new sheital". Maybe they will just say thanks. But you are safe that you didn't hurt someone's feelings by mistake.

I will never forget how uncomfortable I felt when people in my building who never had anything to say to me all of a sudden made so many comments on my weight loss. "Looking good. Keep it up" excuse me? I don't need a pep talk from someone who barely looked at me before.

Or the dumb neighbor who told me that we've all been talking about how good you look.

It got to the point were I got my husband to tell one man to stop commenting on my looks because he would compliment me every time we were in the elevator together and I was getting creeped out!
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Simple1









  


Post  Mon, Nov 13 2017, 9:10 am
I agree with you about the right way to give a compliment and that some can come across as offensive.
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lavenderchimes









  


Post  Mon, Nov 13 2017, 9:14 am
amother wrote:
Fair enough. I guess my lesson is that I will no longer offer simple friendly compliments to people unless I am very close to them.


It's more like: If you always ignore your neighbor who is overweight, don't make the first thing you even say to her about her weightloss. If you want to give simple, friendly compliments, you could do so at any time, about anything EXCEPT your ignored neighbors weight. But if your are only speaking to her because she lost weight, better start with something that is ACTUALLY simple, like, "Good Morning." I think that generally, only close friends should bring up weight, since we ALL know it is a loaded issue.
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amother




Babypink


Post  Mon, Nov 13 2017, 9:20 am
Reality wrote:
I think people need to learn how to complement their friends or coworkers wisely. I never say "oh you got sooo skinny". That can be a back handed compliment. What you thought I used to be sooo fat?

Instead be vague. "Wow you look fantastic". Then let them say "I just lost some weight" or "I just got a new sheital". Maybe they will just say thanks. But you are safe that you didn't hurt someone's feelings by mistake.

I will never forget how uncomfortable I felt when people in my building who never had anything to say to me all of a sudden made so many comments on my weight loss. "Looking good. Keep it up" excuse me? I don't need a pep talk from someone who barely looked at me before.

Or the dumb neighbor who told me that we've all been talking about how good you look.

It got to the point were I got my husband to tell one man to stop commenting on my looks because he would compliment me every time we were in the elevator together and I was getting creeped out!



Even saying "wow, you look fantastic!" Can be a trigger. The obvious implication is that before I lost weight I didn't look fantastic. Did you think I was ugly before I lost weight? The safest thing is to never initiate new compliments based on changes in appearance. If you've been telling someone they look great all along, then continue. Otherwise it is potentially insulting and hurtful to acknowledge someone's nice and improved appearance.
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amother




Plum


Post  Mon, Nov 13 2017, 10:10 am
I'm a little overweight, nothing terrible but my bigger problem is that I'm out of shape because I won't exercise. I was thin and in shape my whole life. To me I think it started when my dh became a health fanatic. The more he became the food police and obsessive about exercise the less interested I became. I think he's borderline anorexic and doing anything like he does makes me feel like I'm entering his crazy world where food is the enemy and fat people are gross. I think you can be overweight and still look good (not obese) and you can have a piece of cake without getting dirty looks. So maybe it's my immature revenge. It took me a long time to realize this but it's very hard to be motivated when your mind is screaming at you to do the opposite. I would love to lose weight just for me but then he'll get satisfaction from it and I can't stand the thought that he'll think I approve of his lifestyle which is very obsessive, without getting into too much detail.
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cookies6









  


Post  Mon, Nov 13 2017, 11:08 am
southernbubby wrote:
Pasta, if cooked only slightly and still firm, is a better choice than quinoa because quinoa is very high in calories. Protein bars are not very filling. There is a fiber such as Benefiber that is added to water to make the stomach feel full. Nuts are very high in calories.

It sounds like, although you have substituted better choices, your metabolism won't budge with these. Most people with stubborn weight end up losing when they eat loads of non-starchy vegetables and a little fruit, and a little lean protein. Unfortunately, the person has to adjust to feeling hungrier but carrots and cut up veggies are the only snack that will cause weight loss.


A person could eat whatever they want and still lose weight as long as they are in a calorie deficit. The key to any diet is that you are taking in fewer calories than you are burning. And carrots and veggies are NOT the only snack that will cause weight loss. Snacks don't cause weight loss at all - a calorie deficit (no matter how many meals you eat) causes weight loss.
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InnerMe









  


Post  Mon, Nov 13 2017, 11:15 am
Fox wrote:
Nope. Friends, whether IRL or online, do not properly notice their friends' weaknesses, whether those include spelling or a tendency toward obesity.

G-d, in His Infinite Wisdom, gave us professional editors and physicians to point out our failings in these areas, and they don't armchair assistants to help them do their jobs.

As far as we're concerned on Imamother, you're an outstanding writer and I'm just fluffy, like any fox might be as she prepares for winter.


Awww fox! Thanks for saying that!
Now I feel safe once again Laughing
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amother




Babypink


Post  Mon, Nov 13 2017, 12:37 pm
I guess I'll duck the eggs and say it (again). I think we have to be practical and not live in the politically correct bubble constantly worrying if our seeming kind and warmhearted remarks will offend someone. If we are looking for possible scenarios where people might be offended, we can ALWAYS find it. Can I say to my host on shabbos that her challah was amazing? What if she's thinking, how insulting! The guest said my challah was amazing. They must have thought my chicken soup was awful! Can I smile and say hello to someone that I don't say hello to everyday? What if she thinks, how offensive! I'm wearing my favorite yellow sweater today. That person who just said hello would've otherwise ignored me if not for my attractive sweater.

Same goes with weight loss. Maybe some people are offended, and to them I say I'm sorry. But when I see another class mother at my daughters PTA next week and she looks like she lost weight, I think the friendly thing to do is to smile and tell her she looks great! I won't ask her how much weight she's lost, what her goal is, and why she thinks she will keep it off since the last 9 times she's gained it all back (and then some). If she ends up thinking-how rude! This person is only acknowledging me because I'm now skinny and beautiful. She's probably worried her husband will have an affair with me so she's trying to be friendly so that she has access to me and my life so she will be able to keep better tabs on her dh when he puts the moves on me....well sorry you too it that way. I simply meant to give you a compliment. Am I really the only one who feels this way???
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etky









  


Post  Mon, Nov 13 2017, 2:29 pm
amother wrote:
I guess I'll duck the eggs and say it (again). I think we have to be practical and not live in the politically correct bubble constantly worrying if our seeming kind and warmhearted remarks will offend someone. If we are looking for possible scenarios where people might be offended, we can ALWAYS find it. Can I say to my host on shabbos that her challah was amazing? What if she's thinking, how insulting! The guest said my challah was amazing. They must have thought my chicken soup was awful! Can I smile and say hello to someone that I don't say hello to everyday? What if she thinks, how offensive! I'm wearing my favorite yellow sweater today. That person who just said hello would've otherwise ignored me if not for my attractive sweater.

Same goes with weight loss. Maybe some people are offended, and to them I say I'm sorry. But when I see another class mother at my daughters PTA next week and she looks like she lost weight, I think the friendly thing to do is to smile and tell her she looks great! I won't ask her how much weight she's lost, what her goal is, and why she thinks she will keep it off since the last 9 times she's gained it all back (and then some). If she ends up thinking-how rude! This person is only acknowledging me because I'm now skinny and beautiful. She's probably worried her husband will have an affair with me so she's trying to be friendly so that she has access to me and my life so she will be able to keep better tabs on her dh when he puts the moves on me....well sorry you too it that way. I simply meant to give you a compliment. Am I really the only one who feels this way???


You can say and do what you want but I would hope that after several women who have lost signficant weight have explained an aspect that you were obviously unaware of - that they and possibly other women in their position, might not relish the compliments for various reasons- that you would do it judiciously and with consideration. Political correctness is not the issue at hand - rather sensitivity to individuals regarding a very touchy topic. Compliments are supposed to give pleasure to the receiving party, no? Isn't that why we offer them? Now that you have been enlightened regarding the fact that they sometimes achieve the opposite, I have to say that your adamance on this issue is puzzling.
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amother




Azure


Post  Mon, Nov 13 2017, 2:38 pm
amother wrote:
Same goes with weight loss. Maybe some people are offended, and to them I say I'm sorry. But when I see another class mother at my daughters PTA next week and she looks like she lost weight, I think the friendly thing to do is to smile and tell her she looks great!

Here's how to tell the difference:

Do you ALWAYS smile at her? Do you USUALLY chat briefly about school? If so, a "you look great" is perfectly appropriate.

But if you usually IGNORE her, and now that she lost weight she gets your approval along with a smile and a "you look great," your "compliments" are unnecessary.
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Fox









  


Post  Mon, Nov 13 2017, 2:56 pm
Here's the problem with extremely specific compliments: eventually, they will come back to bite you. One of these days, you'll gush, "Oh, my gosh! You've lost so much weight! You look fantastic," only to be told without a smile, "I've been seriously ill. I'm just beginning to recover."

Like I suggested upthread, friends do not notice the foibles of their friends. The corollary to that is that if you didn't notice someone weighed 500 lbs, you only vaguely notice when she sheds 300 of it.

The best approach, IMHO, is to say, "Oh, you look so great! I don't know what's made the difference, but you just look amazing!" You can rinse and repeat to your heart's content.

This approach can be used with anyone who has lost/gained weight; with men who stopped wrapping a single 4-foot strand of hair around their heads; with teenagers who no longer dye their hair blue; with toddlers who've put their underwear on facing the right direction . . . It's a way of saying, "I didn't think anything was wrong with you, but I'm aware that you've made some improvements!"
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amother




Ecru


Post  Mon, Nov 13 2017, 2:58 pm
Fox wrote:
Here's the problem with extremely specific compliments: eventually, they will come back to bite you. One of these days, you'll gush, "Oh, my gosh! You've lost so much weight! You look fantastic," only to be told without a smile, "I've been seriously ill. I'm just beginning to recover."

Like I suggested upthread, friends do not notice the foibles of their friends. The corollary to that is that if you didn't notice someone weighed 500 lbs, you only vaguely notice when she sheds 300 of it.

The best approach, IMHO, is to say, "Oh, you look so great! I don't know what's made the difference, but you just look amazing!" You can rinse and repeat to your heart's content.

This approach can be used with anyone who has lost/gained weight; with men who stopped wrapping a single 4-foot strand of hair around their heads; with teenagers who no longer dye their hair blue; with toddlers who've put their underwear on facing the right direction . . . It's a way of saying, "I didn't think anything was wrong with you, but I'm aware that you've made some improvements!"


Very true. When I had a pregnancy loss I lost about 15 lbs. It was lovely to get compliments about how skinny I look when if not for the loss I would have been wearing maternity... Confused
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iyar









  


Post  Mon, Nov 13 2017, 5:09 pm
Fox wrote:


This approach can be used with anyone who has lost/gained weight; with men who stopped wrapping a single 4-foot strand of hair around their heads; with teenagers who no longer dye their hair blue; with toddlers who've put their underwear on facing the right direction . . . It's a way of saying, "I didn't think anything was wrong with you, but I'm aware that you've made some improvements!"


Rolling Laughter
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amother




Cobalt


Post  Mon, Nov 13 2017, 5:52 pm
Quote:
if you didn't notice someone weighed 500 lbs, you only vaguely notice when she sheds 300
of it
!"


This. Sums it up perfectly.
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amother




Natural


Post  Mon, Nov 13 2017, 5:56 pm
amother wrote:

I am wondering why people don't care they're fat. Do you just like the food so much that it's more important than feeling good and looking good?


Um, yes. As simple as that. What's looking good got anything to do with anything? I just can't wrap my head around the ''looking good'' concept? Why, do I not ''look good'' just because I'm fat? I really don't get it! Have you never seen people who look fat and fab?
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amother




Slateblue


Post  Mon, Nov 13 2017, 9:48 pm
Fox wrote:

with men who stopped wrapping a single 4-foot strand of hair around their heads"


This one made me lol!

Whenever I see one of those men desperately trying to hold onto the very few follicles they've got left, I thank heaven for sheitels!
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amother




Tangerine


Post  Mon, Nov 13 2017, 10:46 pm
amother wrote:
Um, yes. As simple as that. What's looking good got anything to do with anything? I just can't wrap my head around the ''looking good'' concept? Why, do I not ''look good'' just because I'm fat? I really don't get it! Have you never seen people who look fat and fab?


I think the people who feel that the only thing that matters is weight, when it comes to beauty, are battling their own insecurities.
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