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DS14 is so inflexible!
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mommy3b2c









  


Post  Mon, Nov 13 2017, 8:05 pm
I think 14 years old is way to old to be enforcing a no shabbos cereal rule....

Honestly, you treated him like a 5 year old. You sound extremely inflexible yourself.
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dancingqueen









  


Post  Mon, Nov 13 2017, 8:12 pm
mommy3b2c wrote:
I think 14 years old is way to old to be enforcing a no shabbos cereal rule....

Honestly, you treated him like a 5 year old. You sound extremely inflexible yourself.


This and then on top of everything else, you punished him! Yikes.

Btw Trader Joe’s has a lot of products that are yummy but use all natural dyes, maybe you would feel more comfortable with those?
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ChutzPAh









  


Post  Mon, Nov 13 2017, 8:17 pm
What was his punishment?
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Bizzydizzymommy









  


Post  Mon, Nov 13 2017, 8:20 pm
mommy3b2c wrote:
I think 14 years old is way to old to be enforcing a no shabbos cereal rule....

Honestly, you treated him like a 5 year old. You sound extremely inflexible yourself.


We have certain foods designated for Shabbos . But if a teen of mine asked for a piece of the cake or whatever that food may be, I'd say " if it's really that important for you to have right now, than yes you can have it, otherwise I prefer that you rather have it on Shabbos. Sometimes they will say they need it NOW and sometimes they will hold off until Shabbos, but it's them makin the ultimate decision. At this age cereal "rules" should no longer apply. Your DS just mimics your own inflexibility.
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amother




Natural


Post  Mon, Nov 13 2017, 8:33 pm
Imagine it from his perspective. Your family has a special Shabbos treat cereal that you look forward to having. You only gets that one chance every week. This motzei shabbos your parents took you out for a nice birthday meal so you didn't get your usual opportunity to have that special cereal you've been looking forward to all week. So, you ask your mother if you can have it on Sunday. You're so excited, but she says no because you missed your opportunity. But that wasn't your fault, it was something that your parents decided. You explain this because surely your mother must understand, but she doesn't listen. She says no again. You can't understand why she's taking away this one little thing from you. You've always followed the rules, and in your mind you're not really asking her to break them, just to have something that you didn't get a chance for that wasn't your fault.

You've looked forward to eating this cereal so much. It's such a little thing, but it's a big thing for you. You don't understand why you're being treated like you've done something wrong. You start crying. It's not just not getting cereal. It's how your mother is not listening to you, not taking a moment to understand how you feel, just coldly telling you that you missed your chance (even though you weren't given the opportunity to take your chance). It's just not fair, and it hurts, so you cry. Then you get punished for crying.
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amother




Azure


Post  Tue, Nov 14 2017, 1:21 am
Congratulations! You've done a great job in ensuring that your son will have a much, much, much harder time avoiding sugar for his adult life than his peers. Or maybe he'll become just as much of a control freak as you.

How would you like it if, when you went to your mom's house, she set a limit on how many pieces of kugel you could take, no exceptions? When do these limits stop -- 17? 18? 22?

Seriously, as someone whose mother assumed that all children will be gluttons and monsters unless coerced into acting otherwise, I have very low confidence in my ability to make independent choices. I am going to extremely expensive therapy and will be going for who knows how long. My friends who had similar childhoods have all had terrible eating disorders that make me fear for their lives sometimes. And yes, boys can get eating disorders too!

So, a recommendation for the future: Assume your 14-year-old can make his own choices about his food, clothing, homework, and leisure time unless experience proves otherwise or he has a proclivity for playing with matches. You may yet have a chance to salvage his self-confidence.
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amother




Plum


Post  Tue, Nov 14 2017, 1:30 am
amother wrote:


What drives me nuts is how inflexible he can be sometimes. He just can't take no for an answer. Today that was illustrated right when he got home from school. He gets home at 5:30 and is sometimes hungry. He eats a hot lunch at 1:30. Today, he asked if he can have Shabbos cereal because he didn't get on Shabbos. He never gets on Shabbos since he's in shul until the meal, but we have a rule in our house: You can have Shabbos cereal only on Shabbos or motzei Shabbos (if you didn't have it on Shabbos), but if you don't take it then for whatever reason, there are no rainchecks during the week. This rule has been around for years.


Can you see just how inflexible your arbitrary and long-standing rule is? Or do you fail to see that?

At 14 you may want to think about a power-sharing relationship with your kids, though if that is too far from your comfort zone I'd be curious to hear from you til what age you expect your son to be "obedient".
Are you still obedient to your parents? If not, at what age did that stop?
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amother




Plum


Post  Tue, Nov 14 2017, 1:44 am
amother wrote:
how can we help him become more flexible so that he can deal with what life throws in his direction?


You mean, how he can deal with inflexible rules as the one that prompted this thread?

It's simple: kids learn what they experience. If they experience flexible parenting, they learn to be flexible.

I would tell my son, "I thought about it...I regret I didn't hear you yesterday. I was too focused on adherence to the rule and disregarded your specific needs. I would like to make it right and offer you to have your cereal during the week."
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amother




Maroon


Post  Tue, Nov 14 2017, 2:41 am
Wow, you guys are a tough bunch. Very Happy

I hear what you're all saying and am rethinking my approach.

I was at an event last night for mothers and came home with an expensive chocolate bar, which I passed on to DS after everyone else went to bed. He was very grateful.

(FTR, we are really not into health food at all and readily have available biscuits, cookies, wafers, etc. So no worries about our kids craving sugar. Shabbos cereal is one of the only things we restrict around here. That and soda are special for Shabbos.)

No more bashing necessary. Your message was heard and is being contemplated.
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amother




Maroon


Post  Tue, Nov 14 2017, 2:46 am
ChutzPAh wrote:
What was his punishment?


Not going to get into details here, but it was just something symbolic to get the message across that even when he's not happy with something I do, imitating me is never okay. Nothing too painful or long lasting and something he finds fair.
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amother




Rose


Post  Tue, Nov 14 2017, 2:48 am
amother wrote:


No more bashing necessary. Your message was heard and is being contemplated.


Maroon- you ROCK!

The righteous fall 7 times. The falling is an important part of the growth process.

Then they get up.

Wow . You totally totally rock!
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salt









  


Post  Tue, Nov 14 2017, 3:27 am
OP I'm actually quite surprised at the amount of people telling you you're not being flexible. I completely understand you trying to stick by your rule. I probably would have given in to him, with a "just this time, since I can see it means a lot to you, but usually I want to try and keep to the rule of only on Shabbos" - and then I'd have probably felt I was too soft and gave in.
But he actually sounds like a really good boy. He didn't sneak into the kitchen and take the cereal after you said no, did he?
If you'd have given in, it's not like he's going to think he can start having the Shabbos cereal every week, any day he wants, I doubt it's very often that he misses it on motzei Shabbos. So I don't think you have to worry about it becoming free-for-all.
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amother




Maroon


Post  Tue, Nov 14 2017, 4:51 am
salt wrote:
OP I'm actually quite surprised at the amount of people telling you you're not being flexible. I completely understand you trying to stick by your rule. I probably would have given in to him, with a "just this time, since I can see it means a lot to you, but usually I want to try and keep to the rule of only on Shabbos" - and then I'd have probably felt I was too soft and gave in.
But he actually sounds like a really good boy. He didn't sneak into the kitchen and take the cereal after you said no, did he?
If you'd have given in, it's not like he's going to think he can start having the Shabbos cereal every week, any day he wants, I doubt it's very often that he misses it on motzei Shabbos. So I don't think you have to worry about it becoming free-for-all.


No, he didn't sneak it afterward. BH my kids do accept our authority (though they occasionally grumble about it).

This rule came about because the kids were coming up with all kinds of excuses to eat Shabbos cereal during the week. Things like, "I didn't get in the morning because I slept until 11 and I didn't get motzei Shabbos because I was playing with my Gameboy and I forgot that I hadn't had in the morning." We had to draw the line somewhere. It's not often that DS misses his cereal on motzei Shabbos, but it's because of those less valid reasons that we decided that Shabbos and motzei Shabbos were the only times we would allow Shabbos cereal. As I said previously, we have bent it in the case of illness or similar situations. (There was one time the cereal turned out to be milchig, so our milk-allergic child got to have it later in the week when we bought a pareve one. We're not totally ridiculous about it.)
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SuperWify









  


Post  Tue, Nov 14 2017, 5:00 am
Op, while I hear that your upset your son didn’t listen to your please understand that he’s 14.
At 14 most kids would take cereal without even asking....
I’m actually impressed that he asked you even.
It must be a strictly reinforced rule.
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amother




Amethyst


Post  Tue, Nov 14 2017, 6:29 am
OP is there any way you can buy a small box of cereal that gets finished over shabbos (put away some for son in shul) so there's no power struggle over the week? Or purchase enough individual travel size cereal boxes/bowls for everyone to have one and don't keep extra in the house? I don't think this power struggle you have going is healthy. Find a way to stop it either by changing the rule or making sure the cereal only lasts through shabbos.
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amother




Maroon


Post  Tue, Nov 14 2017, 7:28 am
Other than the incident yesterday, there is no power struggle. We can't afford to buy individual boxes or smaller boxes that will get used up. We buy large quantities on sale and the kids know it's only for Shabbos or motzei Shabbos. 99% of the time, nobody mentions it during the week.
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carrot









  


Post  Tue, Nov 14 2017, 9:08 am
If I was worried about younger kids seeing and wanting too, I would discreetly instruct the older one to eat it where they don't see. Kinder not to tempt them...
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mandksima









  


Post  Tue, Nov 14 2017, 9:28 am
OP, it sounds like your son is really great! That is the first impression I got, anyway. As teenage kids go, you've really lucked out!
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amother




Royalblue


Post  Tue, Nov 14 2017, 11:51 am
OP, just wanted to let you know that I'm impressed with you. You sound like a great mother you thinks that once incident may have not been the exact right away so you asked others and accepted what people have to say.
I personally, dont think its actually about the cereal but more about the relationship with your son. I think something to keep in mind is "am I doing this for my child's highest good". Is it going to affect the relationship with my child in a negative way or positive way. There is nothing wrong with boundaries and some rules, but for a teen it should be less then the rules for children. Also I think with saying no, a big thing is to empathize with the teen, ex: "I know you really want it and your upset that you didnt get it on shabbos or Mtz shabbos, at the same time, we do have a rule in the house and I dont want to change that now" or you could have made the exception. I think it's more in the HOW then in the WHAT.
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