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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Toddlers
Leaving a child for a week.
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amother
Chocolate


 

Post Wed, Nov 15 2017, 6:23 pm
Seems there are strong feelings on both sides of the aisle.
I wish you good luck on your decision.
Mazel tov and may you feel at peace either way.
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imamother153




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 15 2017, 6:59 pm
For all u suggesting to try it out for one night. They might cry the first night but be adjusted by the second. So its not really a marker.
Do u consider not sending a child to school because they might cry the first day?
I would rather weight the pros and cons of the particular situation.
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amother
Natural


 

Post Wed, Nov 15 2017, 7:04 pm
imamother153 wrote:
For all u suggesting to try it out for one night. They might cry the first night but be adjusted by the second. So its not really a marker.
Do u consider not sending a child to school because they might cry the first day?
I would rather weight the pros and cons of the particular situation.


I'm betting that ds would cry for 20 mins when dropped off and be fine.... hence that's why I made the suggestion. This is based on my experiences with the under 2 set being left with people they know and love (and who love them).

And if ds cried for more than that - and that amount of crying bothered OP - skip the sleepover and bring ds to Israel.
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amother
Beige


 

Post Wed, Nov 15 2017, 7:04 pm
Btw I totally agree with chocolate. Read up on attachment disorders and you will agree with her too. There is no reason to bash her when she is obviously is trying to protect the child. All mothers who think it is no big deal at all I think you need to think this over and consult with professionals. I don't mean this as an attack:)I truly mean well... but I believe either you have a completely different personality and don't get emotionally involved or you feel guilty so you are in denial. The third option is you leave your baby for many hours at a time in your personal life so to survive this way of life you block out the whole mindset of a baby's need for attachment, and therefore don't think its a big deal. May Hashem guide us in making the correct choices for our children.
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amother
Natural


 

Post Wed, Nov 15 2017, 7:09 pm
amother wrote:
Btw I totally agree with chocolate. Read up on attachment disorders and you will agree with her too. There is no reason to bash her when she is obviously is trying to protect the child. All mothers who think it is no big deal at all I think you need to think this over and consult with professionals. I don't mean this as an attack:)I truly mean well... but I believe either you have a completely different personality and don't get emotionally involved or you feel guilty so you are in denial. The third option is you leave your baby for many hours at a time in your personal life so to survive this way of life you block out the whole mindset of a baby's need for attachment, and therefore don't think its a big deal. May Hashem guide us in making the correct choices for our children.


which attachment disorder specifically?
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amother
Beige


 

Post Wed, Nov 15 2017, 7:40 pm
Abandoned Baby Syndrome. Btw if anyone cares to learn more about how vital the attachment piece is with raising children , if you google Abandoned Baby Syndrome you will see an excellent article on chabad.org that is written by Dr. Miriam Adahan that discusses how this effects a child when a mother goes to work. It is a great, informative read- I highly recommend!
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amother
Natural


 

Post Wed, Nov 15 2017, 7:51 pm
amother wrote:
Abandoned Baby Syndrome. Btw if anyone cares to learn more about how vital the attachment piece is with raising children , if you google Abandoned Baby Syndrome you will see an excellent article on chabad.org that is written by Dr. Miriam Adahan that discusses how this effects a child when a mother goes to work. It is a great, informative read- I highly recommend!


It doesn't make the DSM. and somehow I doubt a parent who undoubtedly would be skyping with their child, who is spend a week with a loved one would be susceptible to this Syndrome.
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groovy1224




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 15 2017, 9:17 pm
amother wrote:
Abandoned Baby Syndrome. Btw if anyone cares to learn more about how vital the attachment piece is with raising children , if you google Abandoned Baby Syndrome you will see an excellent article on chabad.org that is written by Dr. Miriam Adahan that discusses how this effects a child when a mother goes to work. It is a great, informative read- I highly recommend!


I have read that article in the past. What could that have to do with what the OP is talking about? That article is about leaving a child younger than 6 months to go back to work, and attachment issues that may result because of mom's burn out.

I can see how you'd connect it to a mom who drops her baby off for weeks at a time on a regular basis to globe trot, but that is clearly not what we're talking about here. I just don't think this article is relevant at all to this discussion.
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oliveoil




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 15 2017, 10:00 pm
It makes no difference to the baby why you're leaving.

All the kid knows is you disappeared.

At that age kids have no concept of time, and a week is endless.

Some kids will be fine.

Some kids won't be.

But it goes beyond what you see on the outside - ie. if the kid cries and for how long.

It can cause deep internal damage in terms of that child's attachment. Does it always? No. Will it this time with this child? No way to know, and often you don't see the full effects until way down the line.

It's a gamble. And it's up to you to decide whether it's a gamble you're willing to take with your toddler.
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cityofgold




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 16 2017, 12:13 am
My advice is, take this conversation off a public board and just talk it over with people who know and love you.

Whatever you decide, people (who know you) will be much more sensitive of your feelings in real life than here. If you take this thread to heart, you won't be happy no matter what you choose!
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amother
Violet


 

Post Thu, Nov 16 2017, 4:09 am
amother wrote:
Btw I totally agree with chocolate. Read up on attachment disorders and you will agree with her too. There is no reason to bash her when she is obviously is trying to protect the child. All mothers who think it is no big deal at all I think you need to think this over and consult with professionals. I don't mean this as an attack:)I truly mean well... but I believe either you have a completely different personality and don't get emotionally involved or you feel guilty so you are in denial. The third option is you leave your baby for many hours at a time in your personal life so to survive this way of life you block out the whole mindset of a baby's need for attachment, and therefore don't think its a big deal. May Hashem guide us in making the correct choices for our children.


Oh please.
I had to leave my 20 month old behind for health issue when I needed to travel cross country for a week.
I left her with a loving babysitter, not even a family member. And I never ever left her anywhere before, not even for overnight. I never sent my kids to playgroup either. So, none of the criteria you mentioned, for a mother that leaves her child for a week, were met. It was really hard, but she has long forgotten about it.
Kids are resilient. I'm not saying what the right thing to do here is, but when people start spouting stuff like..... You don't have the normal motherly instincts or you're feeling guilty because you know it's wrong then I feel the need to speak up. Don't put down other people because you think it's wrong or they're not doing it your way.
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amother
Beige


 

Post Thu, Nov 16 2017, 6:00 am
To all those who are saying what is the relevance ...it had to do with attachment and I brought it up for those interested in that ...it doesn't relate exactly to the topic on hand. To amother violet , of course you should not feel bad/ guilty about leaving a baby due to a health issue. That is a situation that was sent from Hashem and He will give you and your baby the resilience to deal with it. ( I did write up thread that if a situation like this happens due to health issues; its sad; but what is a mom to do:)) This situation about going for a wedding is purely voluntary and I know I would never do that to my child but to each their own:)
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mommyhood




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 16 2017, 6:12 am
amother wrote:
To all those who are saying what is the relevance ...it had to do with attachment and I brought it up for those interested in that ...it doesn't relate exactly to the topic on hand. To amother violet , of course you should not feel bad/ guilty about leaving a baby due to a health issue. That is a situation that was sent from Hashem and He will give you and your baby the resilience to deal with it. ( I did write up thread that if a situation like this happens due to health issues; its sad; but what is a mom to do:)) This situation about going for a wedding is purely voluntary and I know I would never do that to my child but to each their own:)

Can you provide any relevant articles.
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observer




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 16 2017, 8:52 am
amother wrote:
Do you mind sharing why you feel it's problematic to take your toddler along to the wedding and again in 3 months? It's not like he's missing school.
It's true, alone time for a couple to reconnect without the distractions of children is great. But at 20 months old, I think it would be more appropriate to leave him with someone overnight - maybe a day plus overnight. Not a week.
I left my 1 yr old with my parents for about 5 days because I had to get medical treatment and couldn't care for him and needed DH with me (we had to go out of state). I survived; he survived. But I wouldn't have done it just for vacation. It was hard on everyone involved.


This. Yes, couples need time to reconnect but the length of time away from the child depends a lot on the ages of the children. A week is incredibly long for such a young child.
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observer




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 16 2017, 8:55 am
hot chocolate! wrote:
Hi!
We are very lucky, I know.
I'm having my bro in laws wedding overseas, next tuesday.
I have the most delicious,yummy 20 month old boy, our first. and after lots and lots and lots of discussions, we decided,that as were going to travel overseas again in roughly 3 months, we will leave him behind now for the week long vacation / wedding, and the next time we will bring him with.
We made arrangements (me and husb.) to leave him with someone I trust, a family member he knows, etc..
Yet.
I cannot fathom it! leaving my precious vulnerable baby-toddler behind.... I know its an amazing thing to do for couples, rejuvenation etc...
whenever I think about it, could sob..picturing his little face and him crying for me or his father.
any advice? anyone been there, done that?


Personally, I wouldn't. That's my advice Smile
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Mommeeeeeeee!




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 16 2017, 8:59 am
Can someone please explain why they feel it makes a difference that "the child will forget within a few weeks", as some posters have said upthread? What does it matter if they won't remember - that's a logical reason to subject them to a situation that may potentially lead to painful emotions in the here and now? Surely no one would justify something like pinching their baby with the excuse that "he won't remember any of this anyway." Crazy example, I know, just trying to make a point.
If you feel your toddler will be ok being left, that's for you to weigh and decide, but if you do think it'll be difficult for him, it doesn't justify it to say that he will forget eventually. JMHO.
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observer




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 16 2017, 8:59 am
Blessing1 wrote:
You said you're leaving the toddler by someone he knows. I'm telling you he'll survive. Chances are he won't even cry! People leave their kids longer than a week when they have a baby... it's very normal to leave the kids for a week. It's also normal for the mom to be nervous & anxious! Go & enjoy yourself.


That doesn't make it right or good that people do it. And I wouldn't leave my kids when I have a baby either, other than while I am in the hospital. As soon as I come home, my kids come home.

Just because people do it doesn't make it ideal.
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Thu, Nov 16 2017, 9:16 am
Op I just want to prepare you.
when you come home your child will be very cranky.

I’m not encouraging or discouraging, but just know it’s normal for kids to act up after they were away.
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funmother




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 16 2017, 9:17 am
I once had to leave my then 19 month old with my mother for 4 days. I didn't have a choice. We go to my mother all the time. He loves his gradmother She alway took care of him, played with him, fed him, but he was never there so long without me, his mother. The first day he was fine. The second day when he woke up in the morning, and before his nap he went to the window to look for me. He never cried but he clearly missed me. When I came back it took him a few days to trust that I was takeing him with me when I left my mother. This was my experience. And I didn't do it again. Do whats best for you and him. One piece of advice if you do leave him call him. In dr. shulmans book, She wrote that hearing your voice could make him cry but its better that way. Toddlers don't fully understand what happened and they feel abandoned that you dissapeared.
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gamanit




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 16 2017, 9:40 am
I left my daughter at that age. I think I cried more than she did. It was hard for me but not so hard for her. She didn't forget it though. She keeps asking me when she's going to sleep by them again.
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