Consequense for hitting

JoyInTheMorning

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 4:27 pm

Do you or your DH do any hitting? If you do, the first thing I would do is totally stop hitting. If your child sees you hitting as a means of solving a problem, why shouldn't he?

Then I would do role playing with dolls or stuffed animals. Make up stories and situations where someone gets very frustrated and would like to hit but figures out another solution instead. E.g., the zebra tickles the bear, and the bear gets annoyed and wants to hit the zebra. The wise elephant explains to the bear that if he hits the zebra, she will just become more annoying and the bear will be worse off! Instead the elephant counsels the bear to talk to the zebra and see what they can do together that makes them all happy.

Stuff like that. Give your kid a chance to find ways to work out his frustrations.

I can think of all sorts of consequences for hitting, like having to wear mittens for half an hour or something. But to me, most consequences are really just punishments, and I'm not sure punishments are the most effective ways to teach kids how to behave. Better to give kids tools to cope with hard situations.

amother

Periwinkle

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 5:14 pm

amother wrote:

my older child hits younger sibling. they are 18 months apart. older one is 5. what is a fair consequence that will have positive results. time outs, giving treat to the younger one and talking to older one is not helping. I'm at wits end.

This method has a very high success rate:

When the older one hits the younger one, take her hands very gently and kindly and hold them. Then hug her. gently. Until she pulls away.
Repeat each time older one hits younger one.
Eventually, older one will come for soothing touch when her nervous system becomes stressed, and instead of hitting her younger sibling she will come for a hug.

This method is effective 99.99% of the time. For it to work, you gotta be internally calm. May want to get some good support to help you remain calm and kind.

Teomima

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 5:23 pm

amother wrote:

Huh, so you should never do anything your kid isn't allowed too, even if the situation is different? lol

Wow, you're taking this a bit far, don't you think?

I agree with Joy, physical violence is crossing a red line, and if there is any chance a child could be learning by example, that is the first action that should be cut out. Of course this isn't applicable for every bad behavior, but for hitting, sure.

OP, when you say talking to the older child isn't helping, are you taking TO your child or talking WITH your child? Good examples of what I mean can be found in the book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And How To Listen So Kids Will Talk. There's a BIG difference between the two and I've found talking WITH my children to be far more effective.

amother

Forestgreen

Tue, Oct 31 2017, 5:50 pm

amother wrote:

I look forward to trying this. how many times does child have to experience this in order to see a change?

teomima, can you please give me an explanation in 2 sentences? just so I can evaluate myself?

Teomima

Wed, Nov 01 2017, 3:00 am

amother wrote:

teomima, can you please give me an explanation in 2 sentences? just so I can evaluate myself?

Instead of saying, "don't hit your brother!", get on eye level with your child, make them feel understood, and ask questions.
"I can see you must be feeling quite frustrated[/angry/sad/whatever is applicable]."
"Please tell me what you did to your brother?"
"How do you think that made him feel?"
"And how did that make you feel?"
"Let's think together about different ways to react when your brother annoys you."
Just as some examples.

Chayalle

Thu, Nov 16 2017, 11:56 am

I like Periwinkle's idea, though I don't have that issue anymore in my house, so can't try it out to see if it works.

My own method when my girls were young is not as kind. I simply did not allow hitting. If you hit, you were not able to be around everyone else, and you went into timeout (number of minutes of your age. So if you were five and you hit, that was a five minute timeout. I remember just after my daughter's birthday, she was about to hit, and I asked her whether it would be worth the extra minute of timeout now that she was a year older than before...she controlled herself.)

I also worked on myself in this regard. No hitting.

Mommeeeeeeee!

Thu, Nov 16 2017, 12:30 pm

Just want to point out two things I have learned from experience:
1) It often takes around two weeks after implementing a new approach to see a true change in a specific behavior - the longer it's been happening, the longer it may take in some cases.
2) Behavior sometimes gets worse before it gets better. If you wait it out and keep being consistent in sticking to one method only and not letting a single instance of the behavior slide, you will indeed see a change in the future, iy"H.

That said, here is a technique that worked well for me.
Start by sitting down with the child during a calm moment, one time and one time only, and gently but firmly explain that hitting hurts, that it's not ok and why, and that you won't be allowing it ever again, and that there will be no more warnings or requests to stop because he already knows he shouldn't do it.

Then, when my child hit again, I would immediately take hold of both hands, not firmly enough to cause pain but just enough so that there is no escaping. I would not speak or make eye contact with the child at all, just hold the hands for a specific amount of time - for my dc 30 seconds worked well, you may need to experiment to see what works for your kid. The idea is that toward the last 15 seconds or so of the specified time period, the child starts getting edgy and trying to escape. Count in your head.

When time is up, say to the child, "Let me know when you are ready to apologize and keep your hands to yourself." Then don't talk, respond to anything he says, or engage further with the child in any way.

When the child says "I'm ready," walk with him over to the child that was hit and have him say he's sorry and offer a hug to the victim. If he says he is ready but when it comes down to it he doesn't follow up by saying sorry or demonstrate that he can behave kindly by hugging or some other gesture, you go back to step one and hold his hands again until he really is ready. Rinse and repeat as needed.

Once your child has grasped the concept that hitting as an option is completely off the table, that is the time to teach him other ways to solve problems or express his feelings, and work on fostering kindness and empathy. And don't forget to point out when he is behaving considerately, so he begins to see himself as a person capable of treating others well, and is more likely to act as such.

mommy201

Thu, Nov 16 2017, 12:49 pm

Your child at 5 years old is hitting for a reason. You need to meet that need/reason. Covering up with a bandaid - time-out, punishment will not teach them long term that they are doing something wrong. Here's an idea.
Next time your child hits, go over to the child and empathize with them "It looks like you are very upset, because younger one took your toy etc..., It's ok to be upset, it's not ok to hit ever" Depending on childs response then, you can role-play, do-over and teach them how to verbally express their feelings. This way they will learn, next time they're upset they can say they are instead of hitting.
It may take a few tries until you see a difference but the empathy for your child, putting yourself in their shoes, will go a long way!