Should child break up a fight?

LisaS

Thu, Nov 16 2017, 10:13 am

Today when my son (6th grade) came home from school, he was followed by our neighbor (4th grade), who told me that my son hit him. I asked the neighbor to start at the beginning and tell me what happened. The neighbor said that my son mixed in with him and his friends and then hit him. I thanked the neighbor for telling me and told him I would speak to my son.

My son said that what happened was that he was walking home from school and he saw the neighbor plus two other kids ganging up on a boy and hitting him. So my son and his friend went in to break up the fight. They held the hitting kids and told the boy who had been hit to go home. Neighbor kid was angry at them for mixing in and hit them repeatedly until they held him and eventually let go and ran home.

My son said that the boy who had picked on is a boy who is constantly getting bullied and they felt bad and they needed to intervene.

Now my son sometimes has poor judgement or starts up with the wrong kid, but the neighbor is actually rowdy and I have seen him bullying kids so I can believe the story.

I told my son that he was wrong to mix in because it added more people to the fight. He should have called an adult for help, but not tried to break up the fight unless there was real danger. He said that there were no adults around except for the street cleaner. I suggested he flag down the first car that drives by for help, but he said that's crazy.

I am not sure what to tell my son about what should have been done or should be done in the future. I am also not sure who to turn to at the school about this. Should the school be responsible for the kids once they leave school? Do I need to tell the school what happened or is it enough that the bullied kid will tell his parents? Should a kid be breaking up younger kids' fights? Only if there is a power difference?

lfab

Thu, Nov 16 2017, 2:04 pm

Personally I think you should be proud of your son. Too many people turn a blind eye when they see others being hurt (whether physically, emotionally,etc.). Good for him that he stood up to a bully and helped another person out, even though it made more difficulty for him. Good for him that he is not scared to stand up for what is right!

shoshanim999

Thu, Nov 16 2017, 3:37 pm

It's a tough question but you should be aware that kids don't always tell the truth. It seems like your neighbor presented the story in a way that he is innocent and your son is the bully, and your son is telling you the story in a way that he's a hero and the neighbor is the bully. When did that ever happen? Who's telling the truth? I don't know. But the important thing to realize is that neither do you. Your son got the last word and you seem to accept his version as the entire, full story.

SixOfWands

Thu, Nov 16 2017, 3:37 pm

LisaS wrote:

Wow you have all given me a different perspective. You are right. I will tell him that I realize now that he really did the right thing and I am proud of him.

Thank you ladies!

Any more thoughts on what to do in these unsupervised situations or about them are welcome.

He's amazing. You have a lot to be proud of.

IMNSHO, call the parents of the alleged bully. "This is Lisa. My son Yossi, is in school with your Shloimie, a couple of years ahead. After school today, your Shloimie told me that Yossi hit him. I spoke to Yossi and looked into the incident. Here's what I learned: _____"

Lots of reasons to do that. First, maybe the parents don't have a clue. Next, if Shloimie was so bold as to tell you that your son hit him, then I think there's a risk the parents will take it to the school. And you want to be on the record first, if you get a call.

LisaS

Thu, Nov 16 2017, 3:56 pm

Update: I spoke with my son just now. I told him that I am proud of him that he stopped the fight. I asked him whether he felt proud of himself. He said that he is proud that he enabled the bullied boy go home, but not proud that he grabbed the bully's arms tightly. He said that next time if he sees a fight he will stop it, but not do it with anger.

BH I plan to call both the bullied kid's mom and the bully's mom. Like Six said, just to share with them what I heard and let them process the information as they see fit.

seeker

Thu, Nov 16 2017, 4:06 pm

Your son is right, it would be absolutely crazy to try to stop some stranger's car over a fourth-grade scuffle. If he walks a significant enough distance from school to home that you think he might get into situations where he can't access help from someone he knows, then give him a limited-use cell phone for crises. But frankly most of us spend a lot of our parenthood teaching our kids NOT to talk to strangers.

It's truly a difficult task to make sense of situations kids get into when it's one kid's word against another. If your kid is generally trustworthy then there's no reason to disbelieve him, but at the same time realize that 6th graders have limited perspectives. The best way to avoid him getting into trouble for being seen as the aggressor in future situations is to think about hands-free ways to intervene in these kinds of situations. Putting yourself physically between the fighting parties without actually hitting/holding anyone, telling them firmly that if they don't stop you will tell their parents/teachers/principals, I'm not an adolescent-bullying expert so I'm not sure what the most effective strategies are but there are surely ways to not do nothing but also not get yourself into trouble.

Regarding your question about the school's responsibility - the school is not responsible for what happens after the kids leave, but they would be well-advised to implement anti-bullying programs within school and hope that it carries over. While the school is not responsible for what their students do outside of school, they can certainly be informed of things like this so they can follow up.

Seas

Thu, Nov 16 2017, 8:17 pm

lfab wrote:

This. Teach your children to stand up for others without fear of being unpopular.

amother

Pearl

Thu, Nov 16 2017, 9:38 pm

Wow! Standing up to bullies so that the victims are okay. That is something that few kids do. I wish your son wouldve been there when my son was bullied. All the kids joined the bully and noone stood up to the bully.

By the way, the school is not responsible for kids once they leave and bullying is a big problem in a lot of schools; most schools dont know how to handle it.

Also, im curious how "well" the mom of the bully/ your neighbor will "take the news" that her son was bullying.... when I spoke to the parents of my sons bully, they didnt want to listen to me ( a lot of parents dont want to admit their child bullies others).

LisaS

Sat, Nov 18 2017, 2:19 pm

amother wrote:

Also, im curious how "well" the mom of the bully/ your neighbor will "take the news" that her son was bullying.... when I spoke to the parents of my sons bully, they didnt want to listen to me ( a lot of parents dont want to admit their child bullies others).

She was fantastic, BH. I was expecting a neutral response, but she actually said she had no idea anything had happened and thanked me for telling her and said she would discuss with her son.

amother

Plum

Sat, Nov 18 2017, 5:39 pm

amother wrote:

Neither parent was there during the incident. The alleged bully claims he is innocent and the other boy (the op's son) was wrong. This is a classic he said she said story.