Why do the rich only want to marry each other?

RebekahsMom

Sun, Nov 19 2017, 7:16 pm

I had friends who were wealthy (they didn’t see it that way). They had very wealthy friends visiting for few days, I was asking the kids what their favorite dinner was, expecting either chicken strips or pizza. The little girl (5 yrs?) replied “I love going to eat out because I can get caviar”. The sheets were simply not soft enough (though mom was quick to remind them to be gracious about sleeping there), and I must say their manners at the table were amazing, as well as their care for ridiculously priced clothing that they insisted on playing in.

Oddly enough, they insisted on an older car, because they weren’t frivolous with their money. In other words, the maid wasn’t allowed to clean the kids toys- they needed to learn responsibility.

Gold-digging is a part of it, but there’s a certain expectation for rich families that the commoners like us will never fit into.

Fox

Sun, Nov 19 2017, 7:30 pm

amother wrote:

But I am sure that you would never have rejected a shidduch offer with a good boy just because he is too rich for you.

I'm with Mommy3b2c, et. al., on this one. I've actually known a solid handful or more of girls who rejected a shidduch because of wealth or at least wealth-related issues.

* Sometimes the money comes with strings attached -- the boy might be expected to work in a family business or the couple might be expected to live near the wealthier in-laws.

* Sometimes the money comes with expectations attached -- perhaps the girl will be expected to be active in certain chesed organizations or activities or wil be expected to always be groomed and dressed to a certain standard.

* Family dynamics -- where there's money, there's often fighting. I know one young woman who was given an expensive, fully-furnished house by her in-laws upon her marriage. She claims she'd happily give it back if it would mean she could escape the endless family fights that either stem from money or involve money as a weapon.

* Not every source of income is 100 percent kosher. It goes back a few years, but I had an employee once who turned down a very promising shidduch because the family was known to cut a lot of corners in business. She said her concerns were partly idealistic (she didn't want to live off the proceeds of possible ganeiva) and partly practical (she didn't want to be left alone with kids if her DH went to prison).

One of my DDs actually dated a very, very wealthy self-made man. She ended it because she felt he had a lot of unresolved issues and wasn't emotionally or mentally available to be a husband and father, which was true. This was after he'd told her to pick out a house in Brooklyn but keep it under $3 million or so, please. I was very proud of her for realizing that all the money in the world won't make up for a bad marriage. But, dang, I was all set to make myself at home in the guest room of that $3 million house!

simba

Sun, Nov 19 2017, 7:44 pm

amother wrote:

If they are already rich why do they need to marry people who are as rich as them? Is it because they want the honor that comes with it or because they really want more money?

It is rarely because they want more money. They want the honor of marrying into a "brand name" family and they don't want to be the ones who will be taken for a ride paying for everything because they are the rich ones.

I actually see nothing wrong with it.
I have 2 siblings who married into very wealthy families and my parents felt very uncomfortable with what they contributed towards the wedding and couple because the other side insisted on "over the top" extravagance. It is not a pleasant feeling. You don't need to have matching bank accounts but similar expectations are definitely helpful.

I beleive it is also easier for a couple to come from similar backgrounds in this regards. One less thing to get adjusted to/fight about!

amother

Mistyrose

Sun, Nov 19 2017, 8:06 pm

It's mostly statistics. Rich people hang out with other rich people so they are simply more likely to meet prospective spouses of similar. There is the cultural element too, but IME it's more often the not-so-rich side that hesitates to get involved with the rich side. I grew up in a wealthy family and married someone from a wealthy family. Neither of us went out davka looking for spouses of similar means, we just had a lot of mutual acquaintances, all within these affluent circles.

mema613

Sun, Nov 19 2017, 8:48 pm

When my daughter was of marrying age, I was at a simcha where a woman asked a group of woman at my table if they had a daughter for her son. All the woman told her about their daughters if they were available. I am middle class and told this woman about my daughter. A friend over heard this conversation and called me over. She told me not to be disappointed but the boy is not for my daughter because he is rich and " rich go to rich"

amother

Lawngreen

Sun, Nov 19 2017, 9:06 pm

amother wrote:

But you would never find someone rejecting a shidduch offer because he/she is too rich for them.

I know others have already responded to this one, but I wanted to add my voice to the choir...

We were redt a shiduch for ds with a very rich girl. We initially said no, my ds did NOT want to marry a rich girl. The shadchan pressured, so we looked into it, and the girl did seem suitable in many other ways, so we finally agreed. When I called a friend for information, she was so surprised that a rich family wanted my son! She said - there must be something wrong with the girl. We double checked, and triple checked, no, there wasn't. She was a wonderful girl with aleh maylos, but my ds is a wonderful boy as well... just that his parents (us) don't have any money.

Both my husband and I, and my son, were extremely hesitant all the way through, (just because of the money, both the girl and her family were truly wonderful) and we were all relieved when the shidduch fell through for other reasons.

No, not everyone who is poor wants to marry rich, just so you know. We think that while obviously, money is a benefit, there is a lot that may come along with the money - high expectations, a sense of entitlement, a much higher standard of living that ds would have to work for, etc. that the negatives can sometimes easily outweigh the positives.

On the other hand, if someone were to hand me a lot of money, no strings attached...

amother

Burgundy

Sun, Nov 19 2017, 9:17 pm

Fox wrote:

This.

I turned down a shidduch with what was by all accounts a very nice boy because he came from a very wealthy family where some relatives were in jail for white collar crimes. I just couldn't imagine being comfortable becoming part of his family. I come from a very down to earth family who lives well below our means. My father and grandfathers are/were businessmen who had/have reputations for yashrus and ethical practices. B"H DH fits right in to my family and I'm very comfortable with his down to earth family as well.

amother

Beige

Sun, Nov 19 2017, 9:56 pm

My SIL married a fellow who is wonderful but doesn’t earn much money and doesn’t come from money. SIL comes from a wealthy family and her husband was clear that they would have a simple life and that h wasn’t comfortable taking any money from my in laws.

SIL thought she’d be fine with a simple life but she is honestly miserable. She’s constantly harping on him to go into business or to to law or medical school. Everyone else of the family has a solid business or profession and earns well above $300k per year while SIL’s DH earns about $80k. She refuses to work and only want to be a SAHM.

My in laws didn’t want to write this guy off when SIL started seeing him just because he didn’t have money. But the money issue has turned out to be very very hard for my SIL. IMO she really should have known herself better and married a guy who could support her they way she’s accustomed to.

amother

Chocolate

Sun, Nov 19 2017, 10:20 pm

I'm surprised by the OP's surprise.

Tall people marry tall people. (Of course, there are exceptions.)
Thin people marry thin people. (Of course, there are exceptions.)
Rich people marry rich people. (Of course, there are exceptions.)

OP, are you mad because a rich family said no to your child? That hurts, of course, but I don't think you should be shocked that rich like to stick to their own.

Often, rich people don't want to support others. They'll happily support yeshivos and tzedakos, but they don't want to have to support a SIL to make sure that their daughter continues the life she's been accustomed to. They would rather she find a man of similar means, who will know how to take care of her.

Nothin' wrong with that.

This is said as a woman who married a man from a very simple home. I was accustomed to much more, though I would never consider myself rich, just "very comfortable."

Every day I curse myself for being so stupid. If I would have known how much stress the difference in our lifestyles would add to our marriage, I would never have married him...and I'm not even rich.

southernbubby

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 9:08 am

amother wrote:

I do think that whatever economic background people come from, when they are dating they need to discuss their attitudes toward money. They need to ask each other what their financial priorities are. For example, is life insurance a priority over vacations or cleaning help? They need to discuss what they would cut back on if money was short. They need to discuss what they think is fair to give as tzedukah, spend on hosting guests, give as gifts to friends getting married, etc.

In general, though, the more people have in common, the better that they understand each other. When people marry someone from another culture, they must spend time and effort understanding that culture and the nuances that only insiders are privy to. That is something else that has to be explored at length while dating.

amother

Amber

Mon, Nov 20 2017, 11:34 am

I definitely find this to be true for the most part. Of course there are always exceptions everywhere. I (as a lower income person) wouldn't want to be or feel indebted to anyone. Imagine always hearing things along the lines of "it's all my side that put in money for xyz,"
or imagine if the richer side gets resentful.....

similar culture as well, they are used to similar things.

I work in the secular world and this is just as common there. Rich with another rich, intellectual Phd with someone the same, etc. etc.

You won't find a doctor or a lawyer or a professor marrying the sales woman at the local GAP or wtvr even though there is absolutely nothing wrong with that and she might be a lovely girl.