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Parenting technique instead of yelling



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amother
Taupe


 

Post Sun, Nov 19 2017, 11:35 pm
My thoughts are running so I hope what I say is clear.
I know that I have to improve my (or I should say my husband and my) parenting strategy. I yell too much and I know it's not right. I feel terrible about it. I wish I had a different strategy that I knew that if I kept to it, I'd have results. Most of the yelling is targeted at my almost 5 yr old. 2 things he does that makes me upset:
1. Bothers sister(3yrs)
I know it's normal, but I feel like I'm constantly hearing "so and so patched me/pushed me/coloured my paper/took my toy etc." Seriously I'm supervising kids playing/eating and I leaved the room and 8 seconds later she's coming to me crying.
2. Plays too wildly with baby. Now this one is the bigger trigger bec I feel that it is dangerous.

so,
I've been trying to make a rule that when any child hurts someone they are required to sit on couch/chair for 2 min. I figured that if I am really good about it the kids will see I'm serious and hopefully it will stop or at least get less. I did this for 4-5 days and not sure if it's working. I'm hoping this strategy will help me bec. I can execute without getting emotionally involved. Child hits, I send to chair. rinse repeat if needed.

Now the next problem is that if I do yell, or if I punish in a way that upsets the kids my kids respond by crying hysterically and asking for hugs in order to calm down. At this point I'm not sure if I should or shouldn't be comforting them. (They deserve their punishment. It's there to help them remember not to repeat the bad deed.) Specifically the older child is very expressive and will yell "I'm so angry at you right now! You're making me so sad! I can't stop crying! You have to calm me down!" I do know that he is saying some of this bec of how I express myself when I'm upset. (Read in "how to talk so kids will listen....")

There is way too much raised voices in my house. I despise it enough that I am determined to minimize it, but what will I do instead? How do I stop child from doing these things?
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Teomima




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 20 2017, 12:02 am
So starting at 2 or 3 I began time outs (a minute per year). If they did something wrong, which they obviously knew was naughty, I'd send them strait to time out, set a timer, and basically ignore them till the time had passed. In the beginning they'd cry and yell, but I wouldn't pay attention. It was a good time for me to calm down, as well. BUT (and this is key), when the timer would go off, I'd go sit with them, snuggle them on my lap, and have a very open conversion (taking with them, not to them), discussing what they did wrong (really I just asked questions, and they'd answer, so they'd really reflect on their behavior). It would always end with extra hugs and kisses and reassurances that no matter what, I still, and always, loved them.

This way, the child not only gets their punishment, but learns their lesson. I don't have to yell, and they (eventually) get all the hugs and reassurances they need.

That said, I'm fully aware this doesn't work for everyone. But it worked very well for me.
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amother
Seashell


 

Post Mon, Nov 20 2017, 12:15 am
I also struggle with this. Time outs used to work better, but lately, either he runs right out of his time out, or he laughs it off and doesn't care. If he runs out, I keep putting him back, with no communication (learned this from Supernanny), but lately it just does not seem to do any good.
He will deliberately tell me "no" when I tell him to stop doing something destructive or dangerous. I find myself yelling too often and I hate it. I want to improve my parenting skills so I can control my anger and find another way to discipline.
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amother
Orange


 

Post Mon, Nov 20 2017, 4:01 am
amother wrote:
There is way too much raised voices in my house. I despise it enough that I am determined to minimize it, but what will I do instead? How do I stop child from doing these things?


1. I take myself to time out every time I feel I'm about to yell.
2. I identify my triggers and work on neutralizing the charges.
3. I limit the amount of babies. The less babies, the less stress on my nervous system. The less stress on my nervous system, the less triggering happening. Less triggering equals less yelling.
4. I meditate as soon as I wake up and before the kids come home from school.
5. I take a nap before the kids come home from school. This has been my most helpful and least expensive strategy.
6. I imagine myself being my child, and imagine how I would like my mother to respond to me. Lovingly, of course.
7. Instead of focusing on "how to stop my child from doing these things", I focus on, "how to stop myself from doing these things (yelling, etc.)". The other things fall into place once I figure out how to stop MY unlike-able behavior.
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RebekahsMom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 20 2017, 7:51 am
You’re halfway there. First, a punishment is typically 1 minute per year (5 mins for 5 yrs old).

Second, of course he’s upset and wants to be comforted. Do not give in and stop the punishment. Make him stay (quietly) for the full 5 minutes. Crying is one thing, screaming/ wailing about it is another. When the punishment is over, sit/ kneel down so you are eye level with him. Tell him that you love him even when you’re angry. Ask him if he understands why he got punished. Tell him that you understand why he is angry, and that you know that you’re screaming upset him, so in the future, what can he do to prevent you from screaming?

He needs to understand that if his behavior has caused a reaction, he needs to control those behaviors to prevent that reaction. He also needs to understand that if he’s angry, it is not necessarily your job to calm him every time. So if he’s screaming that you made him angry, tell him you won’t discuss this until he calms down and uses his nice voice. He is welcome to go to his room for a while, or color quietly, or close his eyes and count until he’s calm. It’s very important that he learns to calm himself, because if he gets into a fight in school, the other student or teacher will not try to make him feel better.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 20 2017, 8:16 am
One minute per year? This would be laughable to my children. If you do time out, which I don't (I use other punishments, no I do not hit though most do in my world), you need it to not be a token time out.
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Teomima




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 20 2017, 8:20 am
Ruchel wrote:
One minute per year? This would be laughable to my children. If you do time out, which I don't (I use other punishments, no I do not hit though most do in my world), you need it to not be a token time out.

I don't think it's a token time. Five minutes of sitting still and all alone to a five year old can feel like a very long time.
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amother
Wheat


 

Post Mon, Nov 20 2017, 8:33 am
amother wrote:
1. I take myself to time out every time I feel I'm about to yell.
2. I identify my triggers and work on neutralizing the charges.
3. I limit the amount of babies. The less babies, the less stress on my nervous system. The less stress on my nervous system, the less triggering happening. Less triggering equals less yelling.
4. I meditate as soon as I wake up and before the kids come home from school.
5. I take a nap before the kids come home from school. This has been my most helpful and least expensive strategy.
6. I imagine myself being my child, and imagine how I would like my mother to respond to me. Lovingly, of course.
7. Instead of focusing on "how to stop my child from doing these things", I focus on, "how to stop myself from doing these things (yelling, etc.)". The other things fall into place once I figure out how to stop MY unlike-able behavior.


Best post ever, Orange. Hats off to you for your incredible work on yourself and really working to build your children's healthy inner world.
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amother
Wheat


 

Post Mon, Nov 20 2017, 8:38 am
I really disagree with everyone's advice to not help child self regulate. Children are built to need an attachment figure to help them self regulate. When that is modeled to them, they internalize it and naturally start to self regulate on their own. When Children ate punished this way and ignored when they are in distress and told that they need to be alone, children learn that their attachment figure (mom) will abandon them when they are in need emotionally. This sets them up for relationship problems down the road,into adulthood.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 20 2017, 9:11 am
Teomima wrote:
I don't think it's a token time. Five minutes of sitting still and all alone to a five year old can feel like a very long time.


Really? I have never heard of time out for such short times irl and don't think my kids would even really mind.
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Mommyg8




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 20 2017, 10:26 am
amother wrote:

5. I take a nap before the kids come home from school. This has been my most helpful and least expensive strategy.


I love all of your ideas, but especially this one! This is the best advice I ever got, and it really works (when I do it).
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amother
Fuchsia


 

Post Mon, Nov 20 2017, 11:32 am
OP I've tried all the techniques for many years. They worked somewhat but I was never able to overcome. Intellectually I knew what's right but emotions took over. You need to get to the root of the issue. In my case it was taking everyone else's issues personally, blaming myself & panicking from chaos. Go see a good therapist and do inner child work to overcome whatever you've been through and learn new patterns to be healthy for yourself and children. That's the best parenting class ever and the rest will come naturally.
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mommy201




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Nov 20 2017, 2:36 pm
Pm me. I know of an awesome parenting class starting tomorrow in Lakewood. You can also join over skype or facetime. It is life changing and helps tremendously.
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amother
Taupe


 

Post Mon, Nov 20 2017, 8:17 pm
Thanks everyone for responding. Maybe if I ask a practical question I'll get more concrete advice.
ex: I see (sometimes right near me, but other times across in the next room,) DS(5) is trying to hold DS(1.5) and walk with him. Baby is slipping out of his grip almost in wheelbarrow position to the floor. Or, DS(5) insists he is watching the baby play on the couch (baby loves it,) but I catch him walking away from the couch while baby is still on it. (attention to the fact that I never put baby on couch, nor asked DS(5) to watch him, and baby can't get on couch alone. His brother had to give him a 'boost.' OR, Children are playing 'ring around the rosy' and DS(5) decided to run really fast when baby is in the circle after him. So essentially he is pulling baby to run as fast as he can until he loses his balance and crashes to the carpet.

Now all these stuff happen on the same afternoon in addition to regular 'don't take away toys/push etc".
How do you react when catching your son playing dangerously with your baby for the 4th time in a few hours?

Truthfully what I think is that he is a very smart boy. He knows exactly what he is doing. He actually was really gentle and careful with this baby until he got mobile enough to 'hold his own', including walking around and getting into his brothers toys and breaking his stuff. He has in the past expressed how he is really upset and angry at the baby. In general though, he loves him and really enjoys playing with him and making him laugh. It's a shame its the silly wild games that makes the baby laugh the hardest.
One more point is that DS has lots and lots of energy. But I have not found that if I take him out s/where and use up energy that he is more calm/well behaved when we get home.

mommy201, I started taking a parenting class. Got through most of it, then took a break. It wasn't really covering the topic of siblings getting at each other. I don't have much issue with listening to regular things like getting dressed, eating meals, cleaning up etc.
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